Why is this so hard? Please tell me why this is so hard.

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AS is definitely not a first date topic. I had known my husband (as a friend) for several months before I told him.

Eventually, though, unless the girl is a complete moron, she is going to figure out that something is going on.

i think it is just good to have an answer to that.

I had many relationships where my AS was not discussed (they did not know). This spans from the age of 14 until now. There were a couple who appreciated my "quirkiness" but for the most part the guys just got really frustrated with me. They didn't know what was going on with me, why I behaved the way I did and they got violent. I am not saying that if they had known it would have ended differently, but being who I am and being able to accept myself would likely have kept me out of some destructive relationships.

There are so many people out there who will judge you, no matter what. They will judge you by the clothes you wear, where you live, who your family is...if you act a little "different," that just gives them more ammunition in another category.

I had to learn that not everyone who is nice to me is my friend. That is a hard one.

I also had to learn that some people don't deserve me, to be my friend. I don't want to be around mean, judgmental people anyway. It limited my social circle (in high school I had 2 friends), but the people with whom I was acquainted were just what I needed.

It isn't about being popular, it is about finding people who like you just as you are - and that is the hard part.

Knowing about as can help when a problem arises and knowing about it can make a relationship better, however bringing it up too soon can cause some sort of trouble because if someone doesnt know you well enough they might think you are faking it to get attention or somethingheres a link to a thread where this is discussed.

The thing I was worried about is that you didnt mention you spent sometime getting to know him before telling him about as and I was worried op might start doing that and I dont think its gonna help him/anyone.

There are many people who will judge you no matter what you do and lately I have noticed some students like to discuss weird behabiour of their classmates whenever the classmate isnt around, telling one of this people about as can be a great mistake thats why I think you have to be carefull when telling someone(which can imply only telling close relatives and good friends who might have a hardtime every now and then).

I tend to have a small amount of friends as well. Im carefull at making sure the other person wants to be my friend and it doesnt usually turn out too bad.(Im usually overwhelmed when theres too many people around me and Im supposed to talk to all of them, and the small amount of friends helps me getting to know the other person quite deeply which is something I enjoy).

Well it's easy to find friends like that. Yeah, it wont be a zillion people, but in my experience 2 or 3 really good friends is all you need in life, everyone else you can keep on a professional level. On the other hand, finding a lover is just downright impossible.

But then again, that's just my experience...

Finding a lover is nearly impossible.

I went through a LOT of people (four marriages prior to this one). Most of the men just got frustrated with me, then they started hitting or putting me down. I had one husband who was very emotional. He would get upset and flap his arms a lot, his voice would get high and he would yell at me. I would just sit there and watch him, never raising my voice. He said I was like Mr. Spock, very cold and clinical. A lot of times he would get right in my face and yell, "would you please just cry?!"

I would say, "no."

This husband is more understanding, but he is very, very rare. As much as women freak out over men who are aspies, I think men freak out just as much when the women are aspies. My husband said the men expect women to act a certain way and when they don't act that way, the men don't know quite what to do or how to act.

My husband is my friend. I have a couple of people I have known for a long time, but they live in different states and I HATE talking on the phone. We communicate via email now and then.

But to be honest, I am not really interested in people, or at least in having friends. There is too much mess, too much emotion. It makes me tired. I like my life just as it is now.

Well at least you have a decent life... i can't even get a woman to like me (the longest i've been able to do so was a few weeks, with the one woman who ever liked me back... and despite putting the biggest effort in my life to maintain the relationship, it still failed... and i'm still a failure.

No, you are not a failure. For the most part, society has failed us. Think of all the accommodations we make every single day just to function in their world. I asked a co-worker to please not yell at me and to communicate with me via email as much as possible.

She started yelling at me and crawled across the table after me (I was not mean about it and I did not act aggressively toward her).

When I first told my husband about my AS, he thought I was making it up. Then he started reading about it and he has a better understanding. In fact, he helps me find positive things about my AS. When I come in feeling completely frustrated because there were too many people on the subway, or a co-worker yells at me because I ask her to sign a letter than has to go out ASAP (the director said I did everything right) he says, "Let's think of some positives. How does your AS benefit you?"

He tells me some things and then I think of things. Then I remember that I am not a failure.

What are the benefits that you see?

I am not you so I can't say what benefits you see in your condition, but I know I am very detailed and honest and loyal.

Unfortunately, most people (NTs) are shallow, selfish and superficial. They see the AS, not the beautiful, bright person who has the power to make a difference in the world. Shame on them!

As I said, I was married four times before I found this man. To be honest, I often felt like I belonged on the Island of Misfit Toys.

There are people out there, though, who see the value.

This makes me sad. I'm sorry you have this experience in your life. I can relate, though. As a woman, I was always told I had to wait for the guy to make the first move, but that meant I didn't get any dates, or even asked out. So I started asking, and that didn't work so well either. What I've learned now, reconnecting with old friends from college and high school is that some of the guys I was wishing would ask me out, were actually crushing on me...and I think I was too clueless to get it. So...they thought I was rejecting them.

I guess what I'm trying to say, based on my own experiences, is that maybe you aren't as unlikable as you feel. Maybe you are just missing the signals and sending the wrong ones yourself. Relationships are tough for everyone, because in the end we're all human and kind of broken inside. I think the hardest lesson I've learned is that each of us has to bring ourselves to the relationship as whole as possible, because the other person, no matter how much they may love and care for you and want to make things work, that other person can never fill up your own inadequacies.

My hope for you is that you find some success in relationships. Everyone deserves that.

Thank you so much for your help, everyone! I would love to receive even more advice if you could spare it. This is better than reading a good novel!

One more problem I have is finding a girl I have anything in common with. I've found a few girls, but every time they have been over the internet. I desperately want to find a girl that I can actually talk to even at a deep level. What I need is a girlfriend that is actually as smart as me. They are so rare... So what can I do?

[quote="kiikasi"]One more problem I have is finding a girl I have anything in common with. I've found a few girls, but every time they have been over the internet. I desperately want to find a girl that I can actually talk to even at a deep level. What I need is a girlfriend that is actually as smart as me. They are so rare... So what can I do?[/quote

lol! You've got me there. I do think that is one area that Aspies have a hard time with. It's hard for everyone to meet people, but then throw in our sensory issues, our special interests and other gifts and it's really, really hard to find someone. Find a real life social group in your special interest maybe? if you find an answer to this one, I'll be reading it just as eagerly as you.

Meeting people on the internet might be easier, but it isn't necessarily better.

I did meet my husband online, though, so I can't say too much against it. I did meet some really strange people (stranger than me!) online.

I don't know about you, but I have a really hard time meeting people face to face.
I am phone phobic (so talking on the phone is pretty much out of the question - even if I would meet someone face to face, I couldn't talk to them on the phone - I would have them email me - they thought that was strange).
I also was not the dating type. I HATED dating.
I am pretty much a social idiot. I can pretend to be normal for a short time, but then it all falls apart.

I had lots of first dates - not many second dates. Mostly that was because after the first date the guy would call me and I wouldn't answer the phone. They would email, but I don't always want to be around people. Sometimes I like my alone time. That is not good when you are just starting to date someone.

My husband did not push me, he just kept on reaching out to me. He figured out early on that I don't handle social events or crowds well so he kept things very low key.

I guess I was fortunate to find someone who was sensitive to my condition before he even know I had a condition.