returning phone calls

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You're right, it wasn't. It was entirely substantive, on point, and designed to convey just how strongly (and differently) I would react to receiving a message like the one you proposed.


Clearly.

Thank you for being clear. And I didn't even recoil!

OK, time to give this thread back to the OP?

Hi all - you are all so sweet and helpful. And I think it was Raining Roses, I don't know why you think you do a multitude of things that are irritating to people. This seriously breaks my heart. I don't get all the NT intolerance. I have an Aspie friend in addition to the subject of these messages and I adore both (albeit they can be a challenge for my brain.

But now things have changed a bit. He and I talked, mostly he talked - I was quiet. He was in meltdown mode and I feel pretty emotionally abused now. He's been getting A LOT of calls lately (think political robo calls....), not just me, and now needs space. It's too bad. I wanted to set up regular phone calls with him so they were part of his routine and expected, which I think he'd prefer and have an agreement that for certain occasions there might be an extra call - e.g., crisis in either person's life. I thought this would solve some of the phone call issues. (BTW - I tried many of the tips mentioned before - said I liked his calls, wanted a return call, gave timeframes I'd be available....) with not a lot of luck.

But now it's too late - I won't be talking to him again until he calls next week. At that point, I just need to work on repairing our relationship and getting an apology. I refuse to be treated that way by anyone. I mean we can all lose our cool from time to time, but it doesn't make it okay.

Again, thanks for all your advice.

OK, here's a little bit of AS in action: do you mean NT intolerance towards those with AS -- or the other way around? I think both exists, quite honestly.

NTs are generally intolerant of uniqueness -- basic human differences. And it's almost instinctual. What else explains the merciless way "weird" kids get picked on? Is that learned behavior? If so, who's teaching "normal" kids to isolate those with differences and to shame and degrade them until they're socially broken?

Those with AS can be just as intolerant. Since they're a tiny minority, though, there's not a "movement" against normalcy; rather, it happens on an individual level. There's the basic intolerance of intolerance. That seems legitimate. But, there's also the intolerance that manifests itself as, "even if you're trying to be helpful and encouraging, since you don't know what it's like inside here, go away -- you have nothing legitimate to offer." Now, because I'm so super-guarded, I don't find opportunities to say this much. But, I would. I think there's some legitimacy to it; I also think it's partially fueled by jealousy.

@Raining Roses

I actually meant the NT intolerance towards Aspies - or complete obliviousness to the possibility of different actions/reactions. I can see the opposite happening too. But as a majority group - I think NTs need to work on their awareness. Including me. Easy to think of things hypothetically - another to actually implement the idea.

I do see your points. As a woman, though, I can somewhat relate. I can spend all my time ranting on the whole old boys network I deal with on an almost daily basis at work and all the other male-dominated themes in our society. But what is that going to get me? Just a bad label. So I do what I can to be successful and be heard and .... to get along. At the same time, I do what I can to make sure people see that women can do the same work as men - in their personal lives and professional lives. And I know that this struggle will take females in future generations to fight the good fight until we get equality.

At least "bullying" is now in society's lexicon and is being discussed in various venues and may be reduced over the foreseeable future. Let's cross our fingers that "different" will be equated with "new possibilities" versus "strange" or "weird" some day.

I hope so, obviously. At 38, the true "bullying phase" is over for me (one would hope). But, the same sentiment comes out in much less blatant ways. No one ridicules me outwardly anymore; but that doesn't mean that I'm included in anything either. I do take responsibility for the fact that lots of that is my own fault: I certainly don't reach out to people and often affirmatively push them away.

I'm lucky enough to live somewhere (New York City) that pretty much embraces weirdness. Not my type of weirdness exactly -- more the "cosmetic" manifestations of weirdness -- but it's a diverse place and generally pretty tolerant. I'm also lucky to have been able to hold on to a career in a pretty liberal and tolerant profession (law) -- although you wouldn't necessarily think of lawyers as an overly-accepting bunch. People would be surprised.

I think the root of adult intolerance is more in the discomfort those with AS instill in others. And the discomfort comes from the unpredictability, I imagine. I'm unpredictable in obvious ways -- like how I'm going to behave in any given situation -- but also in the not so obvious ways. I'm one of those Aspies with "gifts." (I don't think that's bragging -- in general, they're good for absolutely nothing!) But, occasionally they come in really handy. Like proofreading! Any document I touch with a red pen comes out scary perfect. People are amazed -- so much so that I encounter "if you can do that, why can't you do this?" more often than I'd like. It's confusing to people, and thus a little bit threatening -- or at least off-putting.

Anyway, it strikes me that we've completely diverged from your original topic. I wish you a lot of luck (and the patience to wait for it) with your boyfriend.

We did go off topic, but that's okay. Interesting discourse. Take care of yourself and try to open up to others. You never know - some of us NTs might surprise you. I'm in my 40s and I haven't learned yet how to protect myself from people's hurtfulness, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I open myself up to people and I've found much happiness and love (all kinds incuding in the agape sense of the word). BUT I've had my share of pain because I'm so trusting and open.

Thanks for the best wishes as I try to forge ahead with my guy.

Any voicemail I receive usually sits there for months before I listen to it. I also tend not to call people even when I want to talk to them. I've been meaning to call my friend for a month and a half now.

Wow!!

I'm the curious type -- have to listen to it immediately! I'll even do something inappropriate like walk out of a meeting to find out who is was, what they wanted...


WHY DO WE DO THIS??? I have lost every friend I ever made this way. Call, message, no return call. Repeat as many times as that person has an appetite for -- and then friend gone. Out of my life, and I'm back to being comfortable. So sad...