An NT guy in love with an Aspie guy *please help*

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Okay, that officially made my day! Hahaha! That was funny!

Thanks that's very good to know.. I'll try to adjust to that.. Yeah see I don't want to cause any of that stress.. What's important for me at least is I have given what I want him to have.. God, I wonder what other stress I could cause unknowingly..

YES.

this is the only thing in your post i know the answer to.



... to explain this a little further, it is completely exhausting (and sometimes uninteresting) to engage with other people especially constant back and forth banter. it's exhausting because we can spend the whole time talking to other people wondering what they mean or what's appropriate to do or say. it's rarely enjoyable or rejuvenating. it's work. and it's confusing and it can make us feel inadequate and lost. so time alone is completely necessary but it could be time spent together where you're both involved in a project and just aren't talking.



there was a topic about this not long ago ..

question about romanticness and men

that's a lot to read. to sum up i think for some with AS the whole romance thing is a good example of something we can't figure out the rules to but some like things like that, as expressing how they feel by doing things for / with someone is easier than finding a way to express the emotion otherwise ..

if someone did research on AS or made this sort of effort in any way to understand me better i would be very happy about it.

a lot of people who come here posting about their AS partners are very angry.



Gavin Bollard's blog is great. that would be a really good resource to try to understand someone with AS better. the people who have commented on the posts often have very good things to say as well.



well, that we have in common.

sometimes i have trouble keeping my composure (not getting irritable and snapping) when talking to other people because their voices start to hurt.. and there's this thing called "theory of mind" we lack .. so i think they're hurting me on purpose in a way, they know how much it hurts and keep talking. i forget they don't know what i'm experiencing. but when it's happening i just need it to stop, and i will become impossible to talk to.

there are so many things it would be hard for someone else to understand, i wouldn't know where to begin.

be patient if there's something you don't understand, and don't take it personally. try not to assume the meaning behind something as it would not be the same as if you did it.

typing and writing letters can be easier. ask direct questions and state your feelings and expectations directly.

and you kind of rock for trying so hard. i hope things work out for you.

Oh my God Katzefrau! You are a GODDESSSSSS!! !! Thank you for all the time you took to read and respond to this thread! You deserve a bouquet of flowers and hugs!! Thank you! But I only wish I know how to do that multiple and modified quoting thingy you guys do with the poster's name still on it! But anyway..

... is the best answer in the world!! ! Thanks!! It means and helps a lot!

... how i wish.. i keep on asking for a chance to have that too.. and yeah time just proves to be a very worthy adversary! but i'll conquer time! i'm crazy that way.. but I just really don't know if i'm getting through much less how am i getting through or perceived..

... well.. he doesn't know about this yet.. hehe.. and.. i do get angry too when i feel alone and get consumed by my thoughts but when i get to talk to him my anger is disabled, i feel it but talking to him kinda makes it all better.. and when i get mad, it doesn't mean for me that my actions or decisions should correspond such ugly emotion but that's hard to do too hehe..

... okay i'll try to become more of that and also try not to do those hehe.. i'm not saying its gonna be easy but okay.. hehe..

... well luckily i am already like this, this had always been the easiest way for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings too in any case..

... and thank you.. i do huh?! yeah i'm very rocked by all of this too hehe.. i really do hope so.. and thank you way way very much for all this!

after discovering so many things about AS from the people on this site, i really wish someday i could lead myself able to help a lot of people with AS in their relationships with themselves and their loved ones, i'll see if i could do that in the future hehe.. i think i have the resources in my character to do that and i really want to share it.. Thank you.. I really appreciate all of this..

wow .. you're very sweet. you must be one of those hyper-empathetic people i've heard about ..

you ought to hang around and give us social skills lessons.




i don't know if you literally wanted an answer to how to do it, but i just cut and paste .. [ quote = " (poster's name) " ] at the beginning then [ / quote ] at the end (minus spaces)




that's pretty much how i feel with people all the time, everyone. so i guess the only thing is to ask and check in until it makes more sense.

.. you have a natural curiosity about how others think and perceive things and a thirst for knowledge about people who are different than you. this is nice and not everyone is like that. it's kind of funny reading your posts .. they stick out so much, so full of bombastic expression . . they seem so loud!





i think a lot of us here would not even know how to be that expressive if we tried.



yes, maybe you could. you certainly seem to have good people skills.

glad to have been some help maybe .. let us know how it goes.

hehehe.. okay one by one.. lol!

What about them? Never heard.. hehe yeah, never had..
And lol again! No, its okay, I'll learn HTML in time or just those I'd need.. hehe..

I do.. I have a whole lotta history as to why I think I do.. I like seeing through the eyes of others.. And being very insanely sociable I've been north to south, east to west, deep to superficial, dark to light of the neurotypical conscious of myself and of others that the thirst for knowledge you were saying is more like a search for a conscious that I am home too. Deep huh?! hehe..

lol!! here's my fave!! is that bad?? lol! I'm sorry! Am i stressful? I'm not always like this, or am i? It's just that I really am happy or I really appreciate what I am reacting to haha! You know when you have a nice feeling you celebrate it, you let it out, don't hold it back.. hehe.. not in a funeral though.. hehe..

Give me a decade.. hehe.. but seriously I do, I'll post another thread about it..
And all the emoticons i love these! hehe


You are very nice Katzefrau! I like you, more flowers for you till you're a flowershop!! hehe..

Helloooo again NcNbl

About your first sentence; noooooo! I don't mean it that way lol, when I say good luck to you, I really mean it, I hope for you that it will work out because I can tell you really care for that guy, mainly I'm saying you may have to be patient, and that some people react strongly to certain things.

And I doubt I would hate you, my friends have always been the opposite of me and very NTs. From what I can tell of you so far I think you may be the right partner for an AS guy, but of course I don't know the details about your personality nor his, so you may get along really well in some areas and not as well in others, time will tell, but you seem to be a very understanding guy and this, at least in my opinion, is one of the very important traits for a person in a relationship with a AS.

I will check your other message, but I don't know how good my ideas or advices can be, having been married twice, I am obviously not that good at it lol.

If I may give my opinion here ... I am the opposite of ediself about gifts, and so is my stepson who is, I am 99.9% certain, an Aspie himself.

Me: I have always liked receiving gifts, it seems no matter what the gift is I am always happy about it, I guess it is the thought that matters to me, it may be the smallest thing, even something I may never use, but I will still be happy just because you picked a gift for me. And I like the surprise part of it too (so wrapped gift for me! lol), I like the fact that I don't know what's in the box and be surprised.

My stepson: Always happy as well when receiving gifts, it is fairly easy to tell when he is Very happy or just a little bit happy lol but he is definitely happy about the thought even if he doesn't care that much for the gift. You do something for him, you focus on him, that makes him happy.

So my opinion is if you give him a wrapped gift just observe his reaction, it shouldn't be too difficult for you because you seem to be very observant. p.s. I don't know if you already gave him something, I didn't read all the messages, but if it would be a first gift I would go for something not too personal, some gadget you know he may like.

I can very much relate to those statements.

I know this will sound horrible and very selfish, and really it may be but it is true ... eventho I like the fact that my husband is focused on me, attentive to my needs, etc ... I also like solitude, and it can annoy me if he is expecting my attention, especially if I am focused on something I am very interested in.

It is somewhat paradoxal. Here is an example to illustrate what I mean, a child who enjoys spending time by himself in his bedroom, playing with his toys or whatever, but he knows that his parents are there for him if he needs.

It doesn't mean that I am not there for my husband tho of course, but especially if I am focused on something, I have to make an effort to be understanding and stop doing whatever I was doing. I am working on that tho, trying to get better at giving my attention to another person.

Shadi

Thank you and I do really care, even all that I just want to care about..

and awwww.. that's sweet and securing that you might wouldn't hate me hehe.. and thanks, I am understanding, patient and adaptable and flexible in situation and people, i'm not saying it's gonna be easy but I'm willing to be all those things.

and you're advice or answers are okay, i'm not looking for and probably there are no perfect answers, i appreciate the input that at least i have something to think about and/or consider to help me be able to understand more.



Sorry I just find it funny that you diagnosed the kid hehe.. 99.9% certainty, like he's oozing aspergers.. is the dad aware of it, that the kid might be?

Wrap gifts for Shadi2, not wrapped for Ediself: Noted.. hehe..

Nah, havn't given him any. Thanks for the tips.. But i've still yet to see.. hehe..

No his dad doesn't know yet, and I don't think the kid knows himself either, would be nice tho if I mentioned it to him (the kid) and he already knew, it would make it so much easier not to have to explain everything. About the dad, the problem is he is in total denial of the "less nice" traits his son has (for example his problem solving issues, the fact that he doesn't understand when his dad teases him, etc). In fact I found this website after learning about Asperger and having an "eureka" moment about my stepson, hoping to get some help and advices about how to tell my husband, but in the mean time I very quickly started feeling at home here, and I discovered a lot about myself and realised that I am as Aspie as he is lol. I knew about my issues, but until I learned about AS I had no idea why, I thought everything was just in my head, I was just "difficult" and strange for no reason.

And I still haven't told my husband, I want to, but I'm afraid its going to be a long discussion and I don't feel I am ready yet, sometimes I am still debating if I should tell him or not. Luckily his son is high functioning so he is generally ok, but it would help his dad understand him so much better if he knew.

p.s. I forgot to tell you I noticed you said you are interested in psychology, I also have always been interested in psychology, my main subject in college was design tho, I am an artist at heart, but psychology was my most favorite class, along with design. Funny enough at some point I was typing theses for students, and my clients were all in the psychology department lol, it was a nice coincidence, their theses were very interesting.

Anyway enough about me, I don't mean to hijack your thread lol.

Wow.. Okay I don't have any advice as to what's the best way, if not at least better, to tell him about it.. Anyways good luck with that.. Hope all will turn out well and for the best.. I also feel quite at home here and you guys made that easy for me. Thank you!! I always wondered too what I have, but I just failed all Dx tests, but I'm almost all borderline something as I'd like to think haha!

Yeah! That's cool, I'm a theses ghost writer too! lol! But I'm a nursing graduate, and I was quite very good with psychology, psychiatry, philosophy, social and political science and history. But i was good at the nursing concepts too.. but when I graduated I don't want that job lol! so I got into event production and PR management..

Wow congratulations even if you decided not to work in nursing, it is always good to have diplomas And all the subjects you mentioned are interesting too, and I notice all related to human behavior in some way.

About telling my husband, I kind of know how I will do it, a guy here gave me a good idea, I made a list of AS traits and I will ask him who it reminds him of ... and then tell him about AS. My main problem now is to find the courage to tell him and also I am pretty sure it will be a long and possibly painful conversation, and I don't feel like arguing about it, I will have to feel ready and able to stay calm. If you knew him you'd understand, every time I mention something he just is in denial and/or shrugs it off. Jokes and teasing for example, my stepson has more difficulty then me with that, I learned a little and eventho I still take some jokes seriously sometimes, it happens more often to him, but his dad keeps teasing him eventho I keep telling him to be careful with that because his son often doesn't understand it was a joke and either doesn't react or gets upset. He does have a sense of humor tho, typically aspie. If I could get him to do the Aspie quiz I am pretty sure his score would be something like 150/200 Aspie and 50/200 NT, something around that, mine was 140/200 AS - 73/200 NT.

... and there I go again about my stuff, sorry

and back to you ... about making you feel at home, its your fault lol you're such a nice guy, how could we not be nice to you

about dx ... have you tried the tests here? if not you should, of course its not a diagnosis but they are very interesting.

now where were we again? this thread is supposed to be about you , I am beginning to feel pretty bad maybe I should start looking into a career in hijacking, what do you think? lol

what a jumpy thread and what jumps this threads have! anyways..

It's my fault? I am? Thanks awww.. again flowers.. you really want that flowershop huh?! lol!


lol it's okay, don't feel bad, its a conversation this really happens, like you said no laws.. but i was supposta joke about exactly that having it as a career back on my doctor thread before going here.. hehe..

but hey, the dad's denial kinda sound very sad and that the kid doesn't get what nice things he's doing.. but i really think you guys should find out soon while the kid is still young, while it still is easier to adjust and cope to and with it..

And.. I did took that quiz!! I saw that thread, I didn't post my result because it feels like crashing in to a very aspie thread.. I got 40 aspie it pulled from talent of the NT scale but everything else on perception was all in edge of the graph hehe.. I was kinda proud it's like Yeah!! 40 aspie points!! hehe.. I think that's my inner aspie.. I think i know why is that, I'm really starting to understand myself better too by learning AS. I really have this very natural interest and attraction with human behavior, because when I was little I was abused, like shoved into a sack then beaten, just one of the many tricks my grandma does. And I was kinda locked up, I was not allowed to go out and play, so I can't explore the world but I get to explore my mind; situations, events and the people, so I guess I never grew out of doing that. And I'm said to be my grandma's favorite grand kid even if that was the case, and I took care of her on her death bed; so I'm also interested in being challenged.. Sorry I can't expound nor word how those would relate.. hehe.. it's a whole lot of history.

hahaha yes please




sooo not only did I hijack your thread, I also ruined your joke lol


yes you're right about that
he (his dad) doesn't understand that he has a very naive side either (which I have too, but I learned to be more cautious, I tend to naturally assume that everyone is good and tells the truth), at some point he almost joined a certain religious group because the guys were nice to him (not because he was actually converted) and I had to "fight" about that one, kept telling my husband he needed to talk with him, he kept telling me nah you worry for nothing he knows what he's doing, and being a stepmom I try not to be intrusive, but this time I had to speak up and try to convince him to think about it more, to learn about that religion to see if it was really what he wanted, etc, he finally listened to me but it was not easy.



I'm not surprised you have a few aspie traits its not like a line and on one side there is AS and on the other side NT, maybe some are fully AS or fully NTs but generally there is a little bit of both. And don't think you should be worried about jumping into a aspie thread lol it is a "I did the tests and here are my results" thread, it is for everyone who did the tests.

I'm sorry about the difficulties you had to go through as a kid, but glad the outcome was positive and as you said you learned to explore your mind and people (etc), it must be traumatizing to be put in a bag and beaten too , maybe that's why you can understand what others are going through better then a lot of people, but it is also because of the way you reacted, not everyone would react in a positive way. Think of bullies for example, their reaction to their difficulties is the opposite of yours (assuming they have some issues at home or otherwise).

Anyway I will stop talking now, and always glad to see you around

Shadi


Shadi

NcNbl, i have nothing of import to add, as i have no experience with aspie men.

but i wanted to say welcome to WP! and i love reading your posts. you're fun.

I think an aspie male/NT male relationship is going to be much harder even though gender roles in a gay relationship are flipped around. Aspies don't like showing emotions, and as an aspie male, I don't like much talking about how I feel to other people unless I can trust you. And I'm willing to say it's going to harder to establish rapport as well, the brain of an aspie male is based around logic and there's a firewall between the logical and empathetic portions of our brains.