This heartbreak has been going on for months. Healing tips?

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Glad you're feeling better. Some people can recover easier from breakups, and some people not so easily. Just gotta find out which group you belong to (be honest with yourself), and know the necessary steps required. I know for a fact I would have never gotten over my ex if I kept e-stalking her and asking our mutual friends what she was doing. They are sensitive and rarely mention about her around my presence.

I still avoid events that I know my ex will be at, and lately she's been respectful by emailing me if she will be at a certain event I may be at. I just reply with a one-liner and "thanks" basically. I don't harbor much ill feelings towards her anymore as I realized asperger's made me a terrible boyfriend.

I found a news article we can slightly relate to, and it is a bit funny/sad:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the ... le1809254/

F****K HIM I AM A f*****g SCREW UP WHO CANT EVEN HOLD ON TO FRIENDSHIPS.
F F F F F F

he just sent me the following.

Dear Annie,


We had some good times, we had some bad times but even something's have to come to an end even though we had a talk this week,when you started commenting on those photos that triggered the dark side of me which is the side that can't forgive others. I bended the rules many times with our relationship, I gave you many chances even for friendship, but in order for my own mental health we can no longer be friends anymore, your truly a good person, and I hope you learn from these changes in life and pursue whatever you want to pursue, but in order for me to be happy again and go back to being myself we can no longer be friends, I'm truly sorry but this is the way its going to have to be and I'm not holding back on my decisions any longer, its time for me to look at my best interest and not always everyone elses.


Goodbye,


f**k HIM.

Poor you

I know how you feel its so awful.

Try and distract yourself as much as you can by seeing people or doing things where its put a bit out of your mind, I find social stuff helpful as I cant ruminate and talk to people at the same time, especially helpful to socialise with people that I wouldnt talk about my ex with.

Somedays I lie in bed all day crying and want to die and feel so awful but Im lucky as I have kids and when they come home I have to get up and put a smile on my face and cook them tea and do their stuff which stops me from getting sucked too low.

Its such a hurtful rejection to loose the person one loves the most, and not just looseing them but haveing them not want us. I just feel such pain and distress and wish it was not true.

I hope you feel better soon *hugs*

I think he's right though. If he had to still put on an act and even not post pictures of his current life because you're still on his page. He can either bend himself into pretzel knots for one person or go on with his life.

The hard part in this, I think you need to remember it, if the script were flipped and if a guy were saying this to you - you'd be in as difficult a situation as he was while writing this. What you're going through sucks, absolutely, but it only gets worse when you let it bring you to grapple with other people's lives when you're no longer in the picture.

I sympathize...similar situation

Kate

I can see that, and I get it. At the same time though, I was going insane and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the horrible thoughts out of my head. The pictures thing I did when I was in a very bad place and wasn't thinking sanely. He did the right thing though. I deserved this fully because I am a callous, selfish, egotistical individual who obviously still has Aspergers because I'm trying to control him, and despite loving him and trying my hardest to be friends with him, ultimately, I only care about myself.

I discovered the bigger issue is that logically I don't want him back, but I want the *emotions* of being close to someone and actually having a social life back. We shared everything together, and to go from that to nothing at all is a very huge life change and a very big blow to my self-esteem. When I went out with him we'd go to all of these parties and because he was popular everyone fawned over me and thought I was cute for being with him. Once we broke up, people would still invite me to things, but it was completely different. Everyone hated me and ignored me.

I am in such a horrible situation right now. I've realized who really cares about me and who doesn't, and I have cut a huge chunk of people out of my life as a result. I let go of all of his friends and people he associated with. Plus, when we were going out, many of my friends that I had before him ditched me because the ex wouldn't let me see them. Now who am I left with? Almost no one. GREAT.

I'm glad you've been able to peel back the layers as you have though, that's also a difficult thing to do but a very powerful tool in finding ways to go forward in situations like this or dealing with any of life's pivotal upsets. I'm going to tell you from personal experience, the best way to sideline this issue is keep yourself busy, whether its things you've wanted to improve, get good at, taking on ambitions that make you feel better about yourself, every time the misery of losing a whole party scene and laundry list of friends comes to mind you want to be able to have some pretty big "Yeah but.."'s to offset that. I remember being 20, having 15 friends over my basement three times a week, going out to raves with em all over the midwest, lots of my friends were dj's and big promoters, I knew a lot of the big who's who. The trouble was that group just had infight after infight and finally slit itself to pieces where eventually I was left with next to nothing, we reincorporated some of our old friends here and there later ad acquaintances but it wasn't the same. Almost any time I've had big groups of friends, give it a year, that would happen somewhere along the line - they'd blast themselves apart and we (me and perhaps one or two long term friends of twelve of thirteen years now) went right back to being on our own. Yes, a small core group is still something but, it was difficult to network back out and find those big groups and I think that's exactly the reason, they almost never last for anyone.


I'll tell you this though - its obvious that your tendencies in this direction are very strong, I have a feeling that as you're this disturbed and angered with yourself for behaving this way that you haven't had many chances when you were younger to find this out about yourself and correct it. Now you have. If this event has pointed out what fundamentally will drive you to this action, while you're still single even, work on filling that void - either by self-assurance and confidence through accomplishment, making new friends independent of a guy, both would be great. One way to put it: past is past, you can't help at this point what happened, but by the same token you can help to an extent what happens going forward.

You seem to know exactly what I'm talking about! It was the exact same way with my group of friends, who were also ravers. There were drama and fights all the time between people, and the whole time I was in the scene I saw countless people being kicked out of it. The queen bee who owned a party house I frequently went to even physically and verbally assaulted me.

And it's true, been talking with some of my older and more experienced friends and they all say the same thing...big groups will always disperse over time. Yeah, it's a loss, but oither than my ex, I could easily let go of everyone else. The people were always boring...even when they try hard to be unique and interesting they still failed at it. And there are people who were in the scene for years and they didn't seem very mature at all, they acted just like the kids, only more composed.

I also realized something. Before I tried so desparately to fit in with people, I was pretty interesting and proudly comfortable in my own skin...and I'm gaining that back. I am focused now on having real friends who value me rather than pick me apart, as well as doing things that I am personally interested in. My whole idea of self disappeared once I joined the scene, and it's liberating now that I'm gaining it back.

It's a rocky road, though. I'm not even remotely interested in being in a relationship anymore. I hate my ex and a part of me wants him to OD on the ketamine he always snorts and then catch an STD from the gay porn he'll be doing soon. I want him to see the consequences of him always chasing instant thrills and choosing these and the party scene over people who really care about him. He ran away because he doesn't want to be reminded of how much he hurt me, and he is taking the fools way out. I miss the companionship that I had with him, but I know I can get a huge piece of that through my true friends who actually see my good qualities.

Last edited by anneurysm on 29 Nov 2010, 1:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Don't give up on that. My ex once sent me an "18 things I hate about you" list shortly after breaking up (and it was rather inflammatory), but later settled into being friends.

Most NT who are dealing with heartbreak get a dog, often a very big dog. I am more of a cat type girl myself, or musical instruments.
Point being is fuzzy companionship can help.

Nagi, my furry feline friend has been providing me with steady, non-judgemental companionship. Even when I am at my most anti-social, he will always love me.

Thank you for all the replies, it means quite a lot to me. I am going through a very lonely time right now because the ex is out of the picture, and I`m used to him calling me every few days, if not every day. As well, all of my peers who do care about me live in another city...here I`ve only got family and aquaintances. All varieties of support I have been recieving are making a difference, though...I`m back on track with school and am optimistic about everything else.

Nice, that is a big coincidence. My friends actually were big on driving up to the WEMF's (I did hit 2000 and 2001), even did some promotion for Ryan and Ryan.

As for ravers, it seemed like you have candy kids and then you have the group that's almost the polar opposite personality type. My friends were more the later and I think our group stayed in tact a lot longer because of that (some of them we still saw around off and on until 2006, 2007, everyone's moving South ).


While that can be a slightly quieter life - its also lot less stressful. People who I had to bend myself into pretzel knots around to get along with; I don't bother with them anymore unless I absolutely have to, even that is getting rarer and rarer.