Married & need tips on how to deal with him

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While the more serious issues of psychopathic behaviour have been pointed out,I'd like to bring a few alternatives to your attention.

Disregarding the "no one" part, which would definately stem from a ego-centric viewpoint... "cannot understand you" "or dont make sense" smacks of central auditory processing disorder. Think of it as dyslexia for hearing. The problem is not in the ears, its in the processing of the sounds. As far as the writing comment goes, that sounds like dysgraphia and related visual problems, likely similar to dyslexia.

I've got a touch of CAPD myself, and at times, I cannot understand people. If a telemarketer phones, and she starts into her spiel, I cannot grab hold of what she is saying, and yet, if I stop her and tell her I cannot understand her, and am switching phones, and we exchange words about that, everything is fine. Its context driven, and quite possibly cadence and emotional charge.

If the telemarketer is doing her routine, shes "performing", inflecting and driving the lines for emotional response, so as to make a sale. Its an art and a science.

However, if we get into utilitarian subjects, like reception quality, the conversation morphs into a more practical format. More meaning is assigned to words, less to intonation/emotional appeal. You cannot emotionally appeal better phone reception.

I am guessing he does this primarily in emotional situations, and the nature and involved nuances block or distract his concentration, rendering him unable to communicate. Try the following. instead of just repeating yourself, make your statement in a variant form.

ie....

"jack and jill went up the hill"

"i cant understand you!"

"up the mountain walked jack and jill"

Change as much of the words as possible, and see if that helps. Flatten your voice too, maybe.

Of course, he may really be a psycho bastard.




Anyway, I notice that many of you ladies are here from ASpartners, so I just want to welcome you; please make yourselves at home. I hope that you find WP is a friendly place, and that you get many practical and functional answers to your dilemmas. There are many errr... "evolved" Apsies here, and we like to guide as much as we like to learn(from you).

Welcome to WP!

Thanks guys for all the input as ever.

I got in to see my therapist the other night. It did help to have someone to 'vent' to in person, and to get some perspective on things from a third party. Things have been pretty intense around here that's for sure. I'm no expert & only human too. It is a lot to handle with both of us in this small apartment, etc. I also have had to deal with my own feelings and disappointments. I expected something else from marriage, but, I'm very adaptable actually! My main prob w/him is that he is not really trying to figure ME out.... and I'm big on talking and he seems to hate that.

The post about the cadence and emotional charge shutting down comprehension in some people is very very interesting. That does seem to be what happens to him. Maybe even exactly. Which of course, means that on the phone with people from work (on the job) or talking to friends/family about chit chat type of topics... he is a whole otehr person and follows them well and is even light hearted. I hear this all the time. For instance my therapist phoned him during our session, to ask him to read to her that list of promises we'd written out a while back. He did just fine of course & it went smoothly. When she hung up she said "well he was very pleasant and fine with me" or something like that. Argh, it's so frustrating. He doeesn't want to admit to any of this and no one else ever seems to see or hear it! Lol...

So of course some end up thinking I'm just hysterical or imagining it or making things up. And it's beyond my ability to explain it to them very well. That's when I even try to. My mom believes me simply because she knows me so well and knows I abhor lies/liars.

He actually seemed to light up when he wrote out the list of promises (things we were to work on apart or together, things I've asked for for years, without success). Whereas trying to talk about it, he turned red, scratched at his head, his hands shook violently etc. His voice did this wavering thing. Etc. The difference was so instant and such a 180 it was amazing to me. Yet we said the same things in writing as we did verbally... or I had said verbally. He even said he enjoyed the writing things down. I have written lists for him before at his request but he never really looked at those afterward. Well the list he wrote haasn't really been followed through on either. But he did enjoy writing it out! (he told me)

Fuzzy it occurs to me that the telemarketer may have a tone or cadence in their voice of 'expecting something' from you. This may cause you to feel pressured and sort of shut down and become unable to listen to it other than sensing a droning sound etc. Just a guess on my part.

The problem that I've had in my part of all this is the more urgent a situation is my voice gets more urgent to the same ratio as he's totally ignoring me! It is as hard for me to try to maintain a 'flat' voice when I feel something is urgent or an emergency or important, as it is for him NOT to, I think. I have noticed that his voice is mostly either flat or yelling. Or if he wants to try to be more modulated, he will whisper so low I can't hear him at all. Then if I ask him to speak up he becomes very frustrated.

A lot of his reactions seem to be about doing just the right thing. I see that he wishes I could be more preditcable and machine like so that he could figure out "when she does or says this, then, pull out response C". I've tried to tell him that day to day life isn't like that, and I'm not either. What applies one day may not the next or a week from then. This makes him shake just to hear it! Yet I try to tell him all the time that there is no right or wrong I am just reminding him about something or making a request. (The same as any two people living in a shared space might do)

In short guys I am real confused. haha

But I am sorry for my aat times negative tone. With all that has gone on it has been real hard for me to not just give up. I don't have the knowledge or experience or skills (same things I guess) to know how to deal with this... any more than he knows how to deal with me, I guess. For thsoe thinking about an NT partner I'd say it is possible to be just fine in such a relationship but the two people must both work at making the other one happy as they can, and work on communication and also be honest about how they feel - half the time I don't know why he's so nervous or frustrated and he says he does not konw either.

Anyway I have tried to balance the worried posts I have made, with giving practical and soothing advice when possible to others here... I don't want to be a bad guest. Thanks all.