People of the Spectrum: Do we 'owe' each other anything?

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Chronos
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05 Jan 2011, 4:37 am

I think you need to stand up for yourself a little more and better define your boundaries.
He was direct with you in many (except perhaps the most important one), and you should have been direct with him and let him know what you felt was acceptable and what you felt wasn't.

As for critical comments, well personally I try to be tactful when commenting about one's appearance unsolicited, however the other day I just had to be straight forward with my friend and tell him he should get the skin tag growing on his face removed because it was not aesthetically pleasing. If I had something growing on my face that I didn't realize was so prominent, I would want someone to tell me.



Lene
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06 Jan 2011, 2:56 pm

QuelOround wrote:
I don't think you should put up with anything you don't want to.

Both me and one of my nephews have AS we are really close in age. His parents were more "understanding" of him and he is kind of rude and obnoxious. My parents aren't originally from this country so they weren't as understanding about something they had never heard before. I was forced to be polite and "act" somewhat normal. I think maybe if you can get away with stuff you won't change. My nephew D, doesn't like it when people are rude to him or blunt with him. If I talk to him how he talks to me he says, I'm being rude or mean.... So I think it works both ways.


This. I've seen the same thing happening.

You should expect a certain standard of respect in a healthy relationship and if the other person isn't meeting that, then the solution is not to grit your teeth and lower your standards, regardless of their excuse. Long term I can't see how that tactic wouldn't breed resentment.

Quote:
Yesterday, he called me at work out of the blue (yes, at work) to see how I was doing. I let him know I was busy and couldn't talk, but he launched into this whole thing about how he is worried about his life and afraid of dying alone, so I felt really bad and decided to listen to him for a while. It sounded like he needed someone to talk to. But, over the course of the conversation, he told me how he was getting ready to go on a date that night and how he was hoping it would work out because he really likes this girl, she's so great, etc. Well, at that point I got all huffy with him and thanked him for calling me up at work to tell me about his date, then said I wished he'd just kicked me in the stomach instead.


Ugh, what a piece of s**t (I read your comment about being charitable; this is the nicest thing I could say about him). I'm glad you responded about the kicking in the stomach bit. Next time, if he starts using you as an emotional tampon, hang up.



alicedress
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06 Jan 2011, 9:04 pm

Aspergers is no excuse for that. Being autistic doesn't give you a license to mentally abuse people.



raisedbyignorance
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07 Jan 2011, 12:15 am

This sounds like typical Aspie behavior (and I say that from personal experience). I find when someone insults someone it's more meant to be a joke than an insult. They think that a girl will find such comments sarcastically funny (and it usually falls flat). It's important that when someone offends you, you must let them know so right there and then or else they'll continue to hurt you cluelessly.

As for the phone conversations, they're hell for all aspies. Phone calls take people away from what they're focused on unexpectedly and require real time conversation that most cant think of unless they can talk about their own interests. I only use phone calls for quick messages like "I'm on my way" or "Where are you?" stuff like that. Big conversational stuff is more for AIM or text messaging.

Lastly like alot of aspies, he has attachment issues. Concerned with not having a girlfriend, terrified of moving. Yes it is sad that he has those issues but at the same time he kinda brings those upon himself if he treats everyone like he treated you. The only thing is...HE cant make the connection between the two flaws that most everyone else around him can.

Again it's very important to let him know how you feel. Yes there's always compassion and patience that we should give to our fellow aspie but at the same time, we need to help guide each other in the same direction when it's appropriate. Heck, I always encourage my aspie friend to clean after his mess and put his dishes away when we hang out together at his mother's house because I know that if he doesn't instill that habit...then the next time he could be at someone's house doing this and things will get ugly (personal experience talking here).

And that's what you need to do here. You need to help your aspie friend see that the way he treats you and the way he rejects invites and phone call conversations can have a huge effect on his future relationships if this becomes a repeated pattern and give him guidance on where he can better himself and how he treats others. I'd hate to think how this girl he's dating now thinks of him...especially if she is a Neurotypical, dear lord!