i give up.

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You're one to speak...

I admit - I'm not happy with myself. Being an aspie is the root cause of my unhappiness, living with toxic parents and having failure get slapped in your face just compounds the problem. Sure, people tell me I have good things going for me. But deep down inside of me, I deal with a miswired brain that makes daily living a hell for me. But too bad the fix - suicide is a permanent, illogical solution, and as much as I need help, it's just that "help" is a dangerous pill. I wished I had someone to talk to and mentor me along this road.

I've seen pictures of you on here and you're a really good looking guy, and people who know you say you have things going for you. So, all hope is not lost. And I'd be willing to talk to you, although I don't know how much help I'd be

The basis for this is that if you're searching exceptionally hard for a girl, then you will likely come across as desperate when you actually do talk to her. In the ideal scenario, a person would be in a relationship because he or she wants to be, not because he or she needs to be. If a relationship ever becomes an issue of needs, those needs place an undue stress on what is already essentially a tightrope balancing act, decreasing the chance that the relationship would succeed. If a relationship becomes simply an issue of wants, then prospective boyfriends and girlfriends will appear to have their acts together. They're more confident in themselves, they give off a more positive, balanced energy and outlook, and they'll be able to offer more in their relationships. So typically, if you find yourself being exceptionally desperate, it's an indication that something else in your life is amiss. If you rectify this other issue first, you'll likely find other things in your life, especially romantic relationships, to have a greater chance of success.


nthach, you are not a failure and you are not miswired. If I could, I'd slap those ideas out of you right now. Yeah, I know you can't change being an Aspie, and I know how tough things can be. What can you change then? What are the problems in your life that bother you so badly? And for each of those problems, is there anything at all that can be done to begin the process of solving those problems, even incrementally? For example, do you have to live with your toxic parents? I know it may sound like everything's a mess, but trying to deal with one problem at a time and having a plan help a lot. Who knows, being an Aspie could possibly be used to turn things around. I have confidence that you have what it takes to make things better for yourself, and I'm sure you deserve it. I believe it, now it's a matter of whether you believe it too.

Women want to be wanted. Very few want to be needed, and those that do have their own baggage that generally results in a poor relationship prospect.

maybe a jejune thought [and with all due respect], but if you don't like yourself enough to want to date somebody like yourself, how can you expect anybody else to think otherwise?

Judging by a multitude of threads on the subject, no male seems to know what any woman wants, let alone be capable of creating a universal rule for all women.

Not to mention that anyone who wants to be needed probably has issues he/she needs to sort out before bothering with a relationship.

We (aspies) aren't in control, not of other people and to a large extent not even ourselves. Its something we need to get over and realize that no matter how hard we try there's a very plausible possibility that nothing will pan out. People always think its determination or drive, not so much. That's important but also useless if you either never gain traction with the world around you or simply have a nervous system that's too limited to ever allow your behavior to make the grade.

I'm not saying at all that you'll never find anyone, I won't say that of myself either. Rather, we just have to realize that if we're single right now that its not our fault and when we do find someone it won't be something we drastically changed. Then again I can't say that in all cases there are some aspie guys/girls out there who are missing the obvious and once they get a clue they'll have no problem. They're typically the people though that there is still advice left for that will work. The rest of us have something much more stubborn, much more encoded in our nonverbal language or appearance where no matter what you're grooming is like, no matter how successful you might even be with making friends or having a respectable personality, the roadblock your really dealing with is a structural/neurological one where you simply aren't capable of behaving in one of the very few ways that society allows for conveying interest.

My suggestion - get to acceptance, then do everything you possibly can for yourself rather than the opposite sex. Doing things for yourself and raising your own confidence to make your life easier is one thing you can't control. The way women react to you, unless one is clueless, isn't something you have control over.

Stinkypuppy - I just feel I'm defective. I feel I need force myself into a relationship or I'll become a statistic. I think this forum galvanized the fact that aspie men are NOT capable of either love or relationships(and no, I don't mean relationships in a relational database such as Oracle or MySQL). I'm living with my parents since I'm in school, if I blew off school and worked full-time maybe I would move out. My mom is too overbearing and if I feel if I don't enter a relationship ASAP she's gonna go back to the homeland and possibly try to arrange a marriage for me. She's part of the old Asian guard.

techstep - I struggle with acceptance and doing things to boost my self-confidence. I'm afraid of and I will not accept or tolerate failure even thought me and failure are bedfellows. As along as I have this Aspergian curse hanging over my head and hard-coded in my DNA, there is NO way I'll ever be truly happy with myself. It's unfair to scapegoat women like I said before. We're the problem.

And I know many of you said I'm not a bad looking person and I have many things going for me, but how good is that when you come off to people as weird, emotionally disconnected and aloof? I manage to scare women off, and I don't have too many friends. What good is the superfical when your internal wiring is defective?

I don't believe it's healthy to look at yourself in that light. I try to reassure myself that I'm not defective, and that it was DaVinci, Turing, and Newton who solved the world's real problems.

You're better off out of one.
Having to do things you don't want to do for other people sucks.

Because the type of person I'll probably attract would be ugly and unattractive on both the superficial and internal levels.

Have you at least noticed some subtype of women who are attracted to you for good reasons and do have themselves together? Sure you're thinking of everything?

I tried to. I'm just a f**kup in life. I can't get myself out of this vicious cycle of negative thoughts and self-pity. But I don't want to become like the boys here, which is sadly becoming the case. We're just 1 step above a sociopath. Maybe I should committed suicide. People say I have a lot going for me, but I can't see where they're getting their inferences from. I'm going to a BS university. I'm getting a degree in a field that is male-dominated. I'm worried I might hold hold a meaningful job - aspies aren't good at holding down employment.

I just want to be rid of the curse of being an aspie. Until there's a cure or I kill myself, I'll never be happy with myself. I'll be a sad, lonely, socially inept waste of life like most here are. Everytime I seek help, I'll get some BS prescription from a doctor. I'm sick of feeling like a machine.

I disagree with the bolded part. And...are you sure you're an aspie, not something else? It sounds like you've got bigger problems than your love life.