stigma of aspergers

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I really have to chuckle on this thread, because the Aspie in my life needs to be hit over the head. I would say I am the only one in his life totally accepting and welcoming his AS. We have been intimate, both verbal and physical, and have a high level of trust in each other, yet our relationship has stalled and maybe, even retreated. This whole scenario messes with my head and makes me wonder if I have made it too easy for him. But wait! Aspies don't play games. (Or do you???) It takes effort trying not to play games, which I did the day I found out about his diagnosis. And, that is a whole different thread, NTs trying to unlearn a lifetime of habits. Much, much more difficult than it sounds.

So, for now, I will watch in silence and draw all the patience I can find. Sometimes the hurt is hard to handle, other times, one little word or gesture makes me forget the hurt. I have used the proverbial brick, been upfront with my feelings, only to hit that brick wall. There is no doubt in my mind we are good for each other. Now it's a matter of how long I can hold out in this pattern.

The reason why I chuckle, this Aspie has everything your posts in here are looking for, in me. Anyone else have what they are looking for, right in front of them, but just can't see it?

As far as eliminating the stigma, I think only time will help. The AS diagnosis is still in it's infancy and the field is seriously lacking in qualified professionals. It took decades to chip away at the stigma on depression, and currently, we are seeing similar results with addiction. Time and education is what it is going to take.

Now an afterthought, as I preview this post. Is it possible Aspies are more like NT's that anyone thinks? That the "cat and mouse game" is universally enjoyed as a part of the mating ritual?

Okay, enough random thoughts
SheDevil

Popsicle,

Please forgive the bluntness in my question, but I know of no other way other than to just spit it out.

How can your Aspie be in a (productive) relationship with you (or with anyone) if he is not comfortable with who he is first?

You can go through all the counseling in the world, talk through all your problems until you are blue in the face, but until he has an acceptance of who he is, I cannot see how there can be progress. Of course, the golden ring would be that he takes pride in who he is, but first things first.

It almost reminds me of the alcoholic that won't admit he has a drinking problem. Until that alcoholic wants treatment for himself, every relationship in his world is either going to be put on hold or destroyed.

May you find the strength and patience in your journey.

SheDevil

I agree with you. And thank you.

I do not mind bluntness by the way - so long as it is not mean spirited (and yours doesn't seem so). I'd much, much, rather have that in fact than someone who wheedles for info only to make it clear later how disdainful they are of the entire story or person. Opinions or statements are fine by me - and straightforwardness is also fine.

Anyway - yes I have said the same thing to him actually. Very similar. I can't do this alone. That is no relationship if so.

My hope is that therapy will open him up to accepting himself or seeing himself with clear vision and at least being open to meeting with a specialist to see what the case is. If not things will never change. Not if I am the only one wanting it to.

Good for you, mikegee...embrace your AS! You can't do anything about it anyway, unless you get a brain transplant!

I love my AS husband and wouldn't want him to be different in anyway (well, maybe it would be nice to not have to watch every single war documentrary ever made ). He's extrememly honest and loyal. He always has interesting and indepth things to tell me about the geography and geology of the palces we visit. He has cool and unique mannerisms that are extremely endearing. Although all of his clothes are basically the same, he has managed to chose a fantastic genre of fashion to fixate on and I love the way he dresses. At one point, his obsession with cycling lead him to become a professional mountain bike racer and the first person to do one of the 24 hour endurance mountain bikes rides solo and on a single speed bike. He is dedicated to his job in cartography/photogrammetry and his linear thinking has streamlined their production line and cut production time by 75%. I could could on and on about all the things I like about him! He is awesome and an inspiration to me.

When women complain about thier AS partners I feel sad. I have ADHD and there are many behaviors I literally cannot change because I have a developmental disorder that affects my executive functioning. My frontal cortex is shaped and functions differently than a person without ADHD. Medication helps, but certainly doesn't cure it.

Ladies, if you're not happy with your AS partner, you never will be. The AS will never go away. Either accept him as he is and stop personalizing his emotional unavailabilty, or find a NT. Everyone can be an a**hole, at least my husband isn't doing it on purpose!

Hi Mike,

When I was referring to AS and alcoholism, it was in reference to change, not comparing the two diaganosis'. If it was interpreted that way, please accept my apologies.

SheDevil

Ok, just wanted to make sure you didn't think i was putting you in the /Aspie 12 step program.

Peace,
SheDevil

I wrote:
This is what I´ve been worrying about as I guess aspiness isn´t exactly attractive to a lot of women. I think one has to make sure a woman likes you the way you are before telling her about AS.

The reason I mentioned this is because I´ve heard so many stories about women complaining about the behaviour of their AS partners, their lack of empathy, their rigidity, inappropriate behaviour and so forth. I suppose it depends on the woman.