Does "dating" just mean "sex"?

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Roxas_XIII
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06 Feb 2011, 2:54 am

Heh. I would consider dating to be pretty much anything outside the scope of a normal platonic relationship prior to engagement.

It's kind of hard to describe, but dating would probably mean that there is a mutual romantic bond between two people. Now whether or not sex is involved is another story, but generally things like kissing, cuddling, and other romantic displays of affection that would not occur between two who were just "friends".

The way I see it, there's a hiearchy to relationships:

Uknown < Casual Accquaintences < Friends < Close Friends < Dating < Engaged < Married

But I haven't really had THAT much experience. I've only been in 3 relationships before (including my current one), and all three of them involved sex sometime shortly after advancing to the "dating stage". (Ok, I'm going to shut up about my philosophy now that it's starting to sound like something ripped from the Shin Megami Tensei: Persona series.)


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Biokinetica
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06 Feb 2011, 6:36 am

just-lou wrote:
Well, I thought the boyfriend/girlfriend situation encompassed many things - mostly things you see in marriages. Somoene to share your life with, companionship, closeness, partnership and a level of intimacy deeper than that of casual friendship. A stronger bond. That's a distinction, in my view. I keep friends at arm's reach, so to speak. I'm trying not to lock my boyfriend out like that. I'm trying to make a connection, and commitment, here. Despite my secretive nature, I'd like us to be close. I even don't mind him touching me, and I usually hate being touched. I don't mind kissing and hugging. It just made me think "typical. Here we go again" when the first thing he bought up was when he could have sex with me - like nothing else in the equation mattered. Just sex. It makes me defensive and cynical. I had some idea he may require it, and it was a testament to myself of how highly I think of him that I'd even consider it. I just need to get used to the idea before I start being pressured. Anything in that area of my body is painful, so I assume sex will be. I'm not exactly young, either, so it's all a bit awkward.
He knew I'm asexual. He gave me the explanation about a deeper emotional connection and someone to be with - but then jumps right in with the "when are we going to have sex, then?"
Oi.

I'm not sure I could distinguish between "casual friendship" and any other type of "friendship". For me, you either are or you aren't. I think I have a different definition of friend than you do, though. I don't consider people "at arm's length" my "friend". If I call someone my friend, they have access to much more of my trust and it's quite serious. That said, my distinction between friend and couple is the allowance of an intimate relationship that includes increased physical intimacy. I guess I should have been more clear about what serves as the dividing line. It's not so much sex as it is physical intimacy. The emotional component is a given, otherwise, you're just sex-friends.



Last edited by Biokinetica on 09 Feb 2011, 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wombat
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06 Feb 2011, 8:29 am

just-lou wrote:
But the very week we officially started "dating," he brought up the topic of when we were going to have sex. I'm asexual, and had been avoiding the problem of what I'd do when I couldn't put it off anymore.
Why is it "dating" just seems to be a polite social word for sex? Why not just say "we're good mates - do you want to have sex?" In which case I'd have understood and said no, not really. I'm not naive, I understand that "relationships" are usually sexual - but not always. It's not necessarily an automatic assumption.


"Dating" is a trial period with a man and a woman to see if they are compatible enough for a deeper relationship.

If you are asexual and have no interest in sex then why are you going out with a man in the first place?
You are going to hurt him because you have unknowingly been leading him on.

If you just want to interact with men and women then join a club. Don't lead a man to believe that there could be something more.



astaut
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06 Feb 2011, 12:57 pm

I've dated a few people and we never ended up having sex, but there was always an understanding at the beginning of the relationship. Either it would lead to sex at some point, it would lead to sex if we got married, etc. You said he knew you were asexual at the beginning of your relationship, but are you sure he knows what asexual means, and what it means for you?


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ScratchMonkey
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06 Feb 2011, 1:42 pm

I know the biological meaning of asexual. It's an organism that doesn't use sex to reproduce. What does it mean in human context? I'm assuming it means you're disgusted by all intimate contact and avoid everybody. Is that remotely close?



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06 Feb 2011, 3:00 pm

I think you can have a romantic relationship w/o actual physical sex being involved. What love means and what are the best ways to express love differ from person to person. For some people physical intimacy is very important, and for some less. Ultimately, this is something that has to be decided by the two people in the relationship. There are no rules other than the ones we have made up ourselves, and our perceptions of what those rules are differ. If physical intimacy is very important to him, then you might consider whether you love him enough to give and receive this kind of affection even though you don't particularly enjoy it. By contrast, he has to decide whether he loves you enough to be with you even though you'll never want to give as much physical affection as he does.

Ultimately, if you want a non-sexual partner relationship, you can find one, but probably not with this guy. In my personal opinion, it may be best for both of you to realize that the gap between your ideas of what love means is too large to be overcome, and part ways amicably, before you both end up in a very miserable situation. The fact that he and you have very different needs in a relationship isn't going to change, and accommodating each other will get more difficult as time passes. This, to me, is a lifestyle compatibility issue, not altogether different from a highly introverted person dating a highly extroverted person. There will be a constant tension in the relationship between one partner who wants one amount of socialization and the other partner that wants another. Lifestyle compatibility is the first thing I look at when I am considering potential partners. I could agree with a girl on everything under the sun, watch the same TV shows, same movies, have the same sense of humor, etc., but if she wants to go out and get drunk with friends or go clubbing and dancing every weekend, it's not going to work.



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07 Feb 2011, 3:19 am

It's more than that but sex is just a bonus.



Mx3
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07 Feb 2011, 3:22 am

Damn, this guy brought it up during the first week?
Hopefully he's not interested only for the sex, but lots of guys could be like that.



Nadir
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07 Feb 2011, 3:28 am

Well, regardless of what we think of sex, bringing that up on the first week is just.... wrong and makes that guy look totally superfluous.
To me, even if we say we are asexual, sexual encounters with your romantic partner may happen, why not... you may not like being touched, and such, but who knows if one day you feel like you want to have it, or a special moment... don't just close your doors radically. BUT what that guy did on the first week is really wrong and if I was in your position I would think that's the only thing he wants, otherwise why would he hurry? he can masturbate to release sexual tension.



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07 Feb 2011, 5:42 am

Nadir wrote:
Well, regardless of what we think of sex, bringing that up on the first week is just.... wrong and makes that guy look totally superfluous.


No, it wasn't the first week. She said that they had known each other for years.

Then they officially start "dating".

The man is looking for a partner and perhaps a wife. He has known her for years.
Can you blame him for wanting to wanting to know when they could take the relationship to the next level?



AngelRho
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07 Feb 2011, 9:08 am

I think culturally we place the wrong kind of emphasis on "dating." It used to be that dating meant a girl could "go out" with any number of guys week after week, get to know the guys, let the parents meet them, and so on. "Going out on a date" doesn't necessarily have to denote any kind of commitment or obligation. It seems the word "date" has gone from referring to "hanging out" to meaning "relationship."

I'll be honest: When it comes to women and relationships, sex is something that is going to be important with me. If I were to go out with a girl a few times, I would be up front and honest that sex is something that I would eventually expect and if she can't handle that, we don't need to let the relationship go any further--just agree to "just be friends" or acquaintances while we still CAN be "just friends."

Similarly, girls who can't/won't be sexually involved with guys really need to be up front about it. It may cost you a relationship, but at the same time not EVERY guy out there is that interested in sex. If you give up a poisonous relationship full of unpleasant or unrealistic expectations, you might just find a perfect fit in someone else.



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09 Feb 2011, 6:33 am

Wombat wrote:
.

If you are asexual and have no interest in sex then why are you going out with a man in the first place?

If you just want to interact with men and women then join a club. Don't lead a man to believe that there could be something more.


Asexual =/= Aromantic
No sex =/= Just friends

:?


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09 Feb 2011, 6:36 am

ScratchMonkey wrote:
I know the biological meaning of asexual. It's an organism that doesn't use sex to reproduce. What does it mean in human context? I'm assuming it means you're disgusted by all intimate contact and avoid everybody. Is that remotely close?


Please tell me you're trolling.


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billsmithglendale
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09 Feb 2011, 1:49 pm

Kind of wondering why him wanting sex is a problem.... Most couples do have sex.

If you are asexual or uninterested in sex, I think you should let him know that, and probably end it. It's not fair to string someone along, and I'm sure you don't want to be in a relationship where you are constantly being pressured to do something you are not comfortable with -- there are plenty of other girls who will, if you won't, so it's not a lost cause for him.



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09 Feb 2011, 2:52 pm

Bethie wrote:
I'm a heteroromantic asexual myself.


Sounds like you took a bunch of words and stuck them together randomly, TBH... :roll:



wefunction
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09 Feb 2011, 4:49 pm

Asp-Z wrote:
Bethie wrote:
I'm a heteroromantic asexual myself.


Sounds like you took a bunch of words and stuck them together randomly, TBH... :roll:


A lot of these terms do. Then there's phrases like "unpacking the invisible backpack" and the concepts of privilege. The language gets more saturated the further into academia you get with sociology. It still helps to understand what all these terms mean because they're being used by real people to describe themselves so others can understand them and treat them as equal people, instead of something strange and unacceptable.