Why do they marry them?

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It's pathetic because I've seen a lot of women with a lot to give the world, who squander it all by being utterly average and ordinary. They go for safety, do not take risks, and domesticity is the safest option. I've seen this because countless times I've been passed over by women for other men, men who were ostensibly better providers than I. I'm a poor, struggling filmmaker, and none were willing to take the chance that together we could do great things. There was one girl who had great talent as a photographer, and I was immensley attracted to her. She did not reciprocate, but do you know who she went for? A f*****g insurance salesman. She went for safety and security, as most women do but wont' admit. As far as I'm concerned she's squandered her life already, as do most who get married or engaged in their silly, stupid twenties, rather than seeing what the world has to offer, and trying to do something in it. Instead, they go right into their readymade homes and their SUVs and become soccer moms. As I say, pathetic, bordering on sinful waste.

that chip on your shoulder is going to leave a hell of a stain.

How do you know she went for safety and security? Maybe she loved him? Maybe his personality complemented hers?



It's a lot harder to see what the world has to offer when you can't afford to go anywhere.

Some people also really want to start a family or be "ordinary," and that's what makes them happy. It isn't necessarily a security issue--it can be a lifestyle preference. Just because someone is a brilliant thinker or a superb artist doesn't mean they owe the world anything or that their life's dream necessarily aligns with their talents. The best photographer in the world may still enjoy photography but might want to have a family and and an ordinary life even more than they want to dedicate their life to photography. Nothing wrong with that. They don't view it as "squandering" their lives because, as far as they're concerned, they got exactly the life that they wanted.

Last edited by mangos on 26 Feb 2011, 1:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

+1.

Also, back to the original topic: a lot of these women might actually love their husbands a lot and be pretty content with them most of the time. They may just be using a message board to blow off steam, or honestly to find answers to questions about AS that they might not find elsewhere. Regarding those who are just ranting and not even trying to find answers, they probably think complaining on a message board is better than complaining about their husband to their friends or family, or other people who actually know him in real life. The wives might just be having a bad day and aren't normally like that. Who knows. People like taking advantage of the anonymity that the internet provides to complain, whereas most see no point in going online to rave about how awesome someone is, so what they say on here likely isn't even the whole story. I'm not trying to condone bashing people online; I'm just saying that it's hard to get a sense of how someone really feels about someone else, on average, when all you get is one angry snapshot. It might be an issue of sample bias rather than that all of these women actually dislike their husbands.

From reading on AS Partners, they say there their men changed after they married them. They were all this when they first met and the guy they liked and then after they got married, they stopped giving them those things.

My guess is they may have been faking it and then decided to be themselves thinking their women will accept them for the way they are. But why do they stay with them afterwards? Maybe they are afraid to be alone or because they have such good paying jobs.

I don't think most women who marry and have children do so because of "safety and security". I think that is just the lifestyle they want. Family is very important to some people, and many people find great joy in being in a family environment with children. It's also worth a note that if a woman wants that lifestyle, she only has a limited amount of time to pursue it, unlike a man who can decide to settle down and become a father much later in life. Women lose their fertility, and the older a woman gets, the much greater the chances of having a baby with Down's Syndrome become. My sister had a 1/300 chance of having a baby with Down's Syndrome at 26, which is high, so she and her husband decided to start a family before it got any higher.

It's also worth a note that just because a woman does get married and have children doesn't mean she is waisting her potential. Some women have the potential to be great mothers, and that is the thing which is most pertinent to them. Many women still pursue their hobbies and interests after they get married and have children.

Honestly, I think your negative feelings just stem from the fact that you cannot relate to such priorities and you are upset that someone you were attracted to did not reciprocate, and it may have had nothing to do with your profession. I'm sure many women out there are attracted to an aspiring film maker.

All else being equal, I'd probably choose the aspiring film maker over the insurance salesman, but I would not choose who becomes bitter when someone they are attracted to is not attracted to them, or someone who thinks they have the right to tell people what they should be doing with their lives.

Why does starting a family mean you are ordinary? You can be as weird as a spotted zebra and start a family.

Indeed.

Although I think what Brianruns10 is getting at is sometimes known as a form of 'selling out', i.e not being able to make a living from your passion/talent and choosing to settle down with a regular job instead and maybe just do it as a hobby, or drop it entirely. Of course the luckiest people do both - pursue their passion and raise a family.

For some reason I'm reminded of this quote by Flaubert: "Be regular and orderly in your life like a bourgeois, so that you may be violent and original in your work."

Oh man, I've been doing it wrong all these years. Being a disorganized mediocrity.

Yes lots of people will delude themselves with such ridiculous delusions to rationalize their choices. People should just be honest with themselves and admit that they aren't perfect 100% of the time.

If you aren't happy with him then just dump him for that reason and accept it for what it is.

Not just women. It takes a lot of courage to risk a counter-cultural life.

I've noticed this as well. Having AS can mean that the person sometimes comes across as rude or inconsiderate. It does not mean that the person is a jerk. In fact, every individual I've met who is autistic has been quite sweet (though perhaps not in typical ways).



I think this is very true, but I think that this mostly accounts for women who become exasperated with their autistic boyfriends, unless they get married quickly. I can't believe that most men manage to keep up this temporary excited energy for years. Even one year sounds like it would be stretching it. I would hazard to guess that this is common in the first few months of a relationship, though.

I think this is exactly why it's important for people to be themselves early on in a relationship and not try to be the person they think their partner or love interest wants if it's not compatible with who they are. Of course, being energized by the relationship isn't deliberate and can't be helped (unlike when people deliberately try to behave in a way contrary to their nature), but it's still important for the individual in question to be honest with their partner about their needs for alone time, disinclination to be social, etc.



The point is that they're not actually interested, when they get to know their partner. Do you really think it's in someone's best interest to be with a person who does not like or love them for who they are?

I read this post and some of the responses yesterday. I was not even going to answer because a lot of it made me angry.

I still am not really sure how to respond. I would guess that in the beginning of the relationship the person with AS was probably very interested and attentive to the woman and then things probably did change. I have noticed that it can be very difficult once there is a problem in the relationship to know how to talk to an AS partner about the problem without them getting very angry and defenisive. Once something negative happens it can be almost impossible to get the relationship back on a positive track.

That may not be the case in all situations, but really does it matter why? I don't agree with people who bash their partners with AS, that is not productive. I have not seen many NTs do that here, although I have seen other sites like that.

I find it interesting that some of you think there must be something wrong with us. I have seen this in other posts too. Yet I bet that just about everyone with AS has struggled to be understood and wished that people in their lives would take the time to learn how to communicate with them and see things from their perspective.

I cannot speak for every person involved with someone who is on the spectrum. But if I had to take a guess, I would say that we are with them or married to them because we fell in love with them. We are trying to learn about AS so that we can improve our relationship, thats why we are members of this site.

I am not desparate to get married or have children. I don't think every guy is going to cheat on me and so thought an anti social guy would be great. I don't need someone to take care of me or provide for me financially. I also have never had a problem getting a date, so this isn't my last hope.

There are many NTs who would have no problem walking..no running away from someone who is different then them. From reading many of the posts here I'd say that is obvious. It does make me very happy when I read about people who want to be in happy relationships and have been able to find them. Quite honestly I am beginning to feel that this site is very negative, and that there is not that much that I can learn here. It seems to be more of a forum for venting and complaining then people working together to find positive solutions to issues.

Just like I don't always know why people on the spectrum make the choices that they make, from many of the responses to this post as well as several others I have read, it is evident that you don't know why people like me make our choices either. You don't have to know, but I had hoped that you would like to learn.

If this is just a site where people on the spectrum contemplate why NTs behave the way that we do and then people who have very little clue get to speculate about this as a form of entertainment then thats fine. However if anyone is reading these posts to actually learn about us, then you need to realize you are learning from people who don't understand NT behavior any more then I understand yours.

I picked my screen name so that people would know I am an NT and if anyone had a question about something regarding an NT they would know I might have some knowledge of how we think, feel, behave etc. Since September 2009 only one person has contacted me first to ask for my opinion.

I did meet one of my very best friends in the world here. He has AS, I adore him and he adores me. We don't make assumptions about each other and we learn from each other. Funny he no longer visits this site, it depresses him.

My second quote might have this covered. It seems like, pro rata, the number of aspies and NT's who want to figure life and the world around them out is very similar, as is the number of people who run from having to work at it. I've had lots of experience as well in the past with posting threads with big questions that fell to the bottom of the page like a lead weight.