Love to the Point of Suffocating

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Because a relationship isn't just one person its two people.



We just got a new puppy. A rescue, we kind of rescued him. And he likes her a lot. When he's with me he's quite calm, but enjoys playing. Where as I enjoy cats and like to be more of a hermit.

The issue if we don't make promises I have no guarentee that she actually talk to me that day. I know I smother her with promises and arrangements. But...I have had in the past when we haven't made an arrangement and she thought it was okay to not be there. I was having a hard time, in one of my crisis modes. And she decided she go off somewhere and I had no one really. She came to three days later and told me to talk about the day I was having one of my breakdowns. But it was already passed I worked it out by myself.



I can't become a full time dad just yet. I have to finish my year program and get my associates.

True. But in in that case, it seems as if you want her to change for your sake. It's ok to be honest about that.



Aw... sounds cute as hell! Get a cat then too (if you can afford it)



hm... is there a chance you could come to an agreement on this? Sort of like; you won't smother her, if she 100% absolutely promises-to-god to get in contact with you once a day?

When my current bf and I started dating, the first thing he asked me was if I was 'one of those girls who needed a text every day'. I was tempted to play it cool and say no, but having escaped a very emotionally draining relationship, I was honest and said yes. We were in a long-distance relationship, but I got that one text religiously every day. It really helped and rather than worry all day or wonder if he was playing games/about to break-up, I got used to the idea that he wasn't going to let me down and just got on with life..

Does she know how important all this is to you? I mean, have you literally sat down and told her it makes your life miserable? (I'm not saying you haven't- I know with my ex, I did all that to no avail).



No, I'm not saying you should become one; just wondering what the situation will be. Maybe talk to a few other full time dads too to see what the pitfalls are; I've heard looking after a newborn can be quite lonely work.

I use the word "us" for our sake. As said a relationship is two people. She isn't my girlfriend, all though its easy to say. I do not own her. Its our relationship. And we're together.



Someone tied up the puppy and abandoned him an alley. He came up to us. We didn't buy him.



I know hwo that will go, "You know my schedule can't chnage, I can't make a promise like that"



I keep telling her and telling her. Its like I don't reach it. Or she believes she loves me more than this. But she doesn't realize, yes...I am not be attached to my cellphone, may not always reply to phone calls or txt mssges or e-mails. Yes, I do have my time alone. I still don't like being alone. Sometimes its great for destressing. But then there are times when I don't wnat to be alone. The most lonely thing about my life is the fact that I am alone. Just cause I like a little peace doesn't mean I don't want someone around. Its like she can't understand this concept.



I'll probably be the one in the morning taking care of the kid. Since I am up most late hours of the morning.

Interesting, but I think you may be missing my point. It's ok, forget that bit.


Her work schedule probably can't change, but what's her reason for not being able to reschedule some of her social life?



Uh... little confused here. So you want to be left alone but you want her around?

It also sounds as if you might be a bit unreliable too, if you don't reply to her emails, texts etc. How does she feel about that?



If you're up very late, and she sleeps before 12, since you're the one upset, can you try changing your sleeping pattern so that your lives exist more in the same time zone? That might help with the not-having-time with each other bit

Okay



IDK. She has some kind of "excuse" to get away. Convenient things.


Uh... little confused here. So you want to be left alone but you want her around?



I think I wrote that wrong. What I mean is that I am not usually tighed down by my phone or e-mails. Family are considered main priotity. She is family thus I respond to her. Not always immediatedly and not ever single little message. But enough.




She's the type who hits the bed and sleeps. I will stay up forever and ever and ever..till I fall asleep.

I apologize for not thoroughly reading every single post before jumping in, so please excuse in advance if this has already been addressed:

First of all, marry this girl and get ready to be a father to the child. If you CAN get married, that is. I noticed there might be some commitment issues on her part. It may not be a relationship based on love exactly, but children need and deserve a stable relationship between two parents.

I personally don't feel that "love" is really a big part of marital relationships. Not necessarily. People get married all the time for reasons that are entirely their own. But that doesn't mean that they were unable to make it work on some level. Yes, I do love my wife. But romance and intense emotions--not to mention physical intimacy--take a back seat to our relationship together as friends. We are just friends much of the time; we are close confidants who share food, cleaning responsibilities/chores, bills, and even sleeping quarters in addition to training our children to be good people. We share other things as a matter of consequence, of course, but save that for the "adult" section.

Real love is the daily action of renewing and maintaining that relationship. You have a strong desire for your mate. Though it sounds good in songs and poems, you don't really need your mate for the very air you breath. This is, I think, one of the most common dangerous mistakes couples make.

I would say do NOT break up with her, no matter what. The relationship might very well be somewhat dysfunctional. Given your circumstances, staying together benefits all involved more so than splitting up.

What you DO need to do is assess exactly the kind of relationship you're running here. There are some notes of codependency in some of your posts in this thread. This is something, if it is a problem that you have as I suspect it is, that you two can only work out together.

I've always been an intensely codependent person myself. Codependency is best summed up as "needing to be needed." When you have TWO people in a codependent relationship, you have a relationship that is highly toxic to you. I almost married a girl who was extremely codependent. She'd set me up a lot of times. If I did something she found unsatisfactory, she'd scream at me about it until I screamed right back. And THEN she'd start crying and start whining about how she can't stand to hear me yell at her and talk to her that way, because that's exactly what her father does to her and it scares her. Then she'd threaten to break up with me because she knew I'd beg her not to do that.

So when I broke up with her, it came as a huge shock to her. She stalked me for a few months after that. She eventually realized she was a lot better off without me. That's probably how many toxic relationships ought to go. They don't really go that way because couples refuse to accept that they don't REALLY actually NEED each other that bad.

I don't NEED my wife for anything. We are perfectly comfortable apart from and independent of each other. Sure, we demand loyalty from each other. We are allowed to speak our minds if something is wrong. She actually had a friend at one point who was making trouble for both of us, to which I told her to stop hanging out with this person. She was really upset about it but acquiesced when she saw it from my point-of-view. For most guys, this is a formula for an instant breakup. I think we deserve to be with people we CAN be honest with and not worry about some kind of reprisal. We just aren't brought up to really be respectful of our mates in THAT way. If she told me she felt threatened by someone I see on a regular basis, I'd respect her enough to stop being around that person (a little unfair to her because she's more social than I am. I COULD give up a friend and not think twice about it). My wife is my closest friend, and thus any kind of ridicule or misogynist jokes are strictly off-limits when I'm out with the guys. Because we don't depend on each other, and because we are friends, we can say certain things, talk about certain things, and trust that the other person will respect what has been said.

So I think the biggest favor you can do yourself and your future wife is to work on the underlying friendship and bonds of your relationship. If you have "love to the point of suffocating," it's not really love. Strive for an "interdependent" rather than "codependent" relationship. By that I mean work for common goals rather than living a life of sacrifice and compromise. Sure, those things are good. But no one feels good about a relationship if one is constantly losing something and not even really gaining the full measure of what one wants. By agreeing on what it is that is healthy for you and for working towards things which are mutually beneficial, you'll get optimal balance in your relationship.

Who knew All your Base Belong to us, could make my relationship way better

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qItugh-fFgg[/youtube]

Yeah me and her keep repeating the lines. And we just start cracking up. I was revisiting the nostalagia of that video and it became mine and her thing. We're doing it in front of her friends and they look so confused.