NT dating a (possible) aspie - can you help me?

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It's only been a month. Unless you are in a rush, just keep it going for six months and see if he changes his tune about relationships. He may simply be inexperienced with them and avoiding what he doesnt know. As long as you are having fun with it, I don't think the label matters at the moment.

But he may be prone to inertia ("never had a relationship so let's continue doing that"). So if you get him in the habit of seeing you, he may equally not want that to end. That's the LTR opening, assuming you are both interested at that point.

all - thanks so much for your responses, they are really helpful and have given me some new perspectives. It is good to hear about other people's dating experiences too.

@ Lene - the reason I didn't walk at the 'i dont' want a girlfriend comment' is that we have been on/off long distance lovers/friends for 4 years, and now 'dating' for a month. It is difficult to walk away from someone you care about and have good times and history with....especially when their actions don't match their words.

oh - and lets face it, nobody else is banging my door down ; )


There is certainly some fear of intimacy going on...but some food for thought there about the inertia (he's not fond of change, likes stability and routine) and the girlfriend expectations.

He has told me stories about women that involve him being expected to behave in a certain way (e.g. putting his arm around someone in public) and end in disaster when he refuses to do what is expected (and is pretty vocal about it). The woman usually gets angry at him being rude, and then he wonders why they go off with someone else. As a result he's only been in very casual shortlived relationships (days!).

Thanks again for all your input, it's really useful and it gives me a much better basis to take some action. I will give it some more time and ask him directly, probably via email, to clarify why he doesn't want a girlfriend and take it from there.

thanks Sarah

@ zur darkstar and simon says - your words are ringing true, thanks.

Are you actually 'officially' dating? In that case, maybe I spoke too soon.

I understand it's hard to walk away. But I would recommend listening to someone's words rather than their actions; at a later date, their words will be their defence; they will claim you 'misread' the signs..



Hey, since when is that an excuse to settle for a parody of a relationship? I don't mean to insult what you have with this guy; if you say you are dating, then maybe it will lead on to something more, but if it does turn out that he really does just want a pseudo-girlfriend and that's not what you want, don't settle just because he seems the only guy out there...

Hey OP....in terms of the situation you're in, I'd urge caution with taking a "wait and see" attitude, or even taking that a step further by trying to make your relationship a part of this guy's "routine." My reasoning lies is in your own words: you're starting to fall in love with him (by which I'm assuming you already are in love with him). The risk you run by delaying the "talk" with your bf is exponentially higher due to your emotional investment in him and this relationship. If he truly doesn't want a gf/bf relationship with you, it will hurt - but it will hurt a lot less now than it will six months from now.

In terms of "settling," I agree wholeheartedly with @Lene. I have no problem with people who "compromise" when it comes to their "list" - you know, the list of attributes we all have that describes our perfect mate. I'm not talking about accepting someone who's a little heavier, a little shorter, a little less successful, a little older/younger, etc., than your ideal. I think those kinds of compromises are typically healthy, because it's an acknowledgement that we really should evaluate people using all of their attributes, and not only the happy, shiny ones. None of us bring perfection to the table - we shouldn't expect that in our partners, either.

I'm talking about settling for someone who doesn't want the things we want from a relationship; settling for someone who doesn't and/or can't love us deeply and completely; settling for someone who accentuates our flaws and failures, rather than our talents, achievements, and potential. That kind of "compromise" is not healthy, and it truly won't lead to a happy ending.

I know I'm not going to tell you anything you don't already know here, but generally speaking, men are not as enthusiastic about being in a relationship as women are. Women tend to think of relationships in terms of emotional security/connection, bonding, the deep knowledge of their mate that a relationship represents, etc. Men tend to think of relationships in terms of obligation, responsibility, lack of freedom/choice, etc. Based on my experience, the Aspie men I've been involved with seem to react to relationships the same way their NT counterparts do - only more so. They may really, really believe they desperately want a relationship; they strongly desire an intimate connection with a parnter; they want to feel as though they "belong" to someone. The problem I've experienced is that they don't necessarily want it consistently, and they're not necessarily well equipped to tolerate the obligations of a relationship when they're in a "lone wolf" phase. (They can really want you when they want you, but when they've had enough of you, they can be very content without you for quite a while.)

Please keep in mind that I'm speaking from my own experience with specific men here. But if your bf has told you that he doesn't want a relationship, you need to figure out exactly what he's telling you. The issue could absolutely be semantics, but it could just as easily be that he knows that he's incapable of fulfilling the obligations of a relationship - and as far as he's concerned, he's told you that directly. You owe it to yourself to figure out what he really wants, and if you can be happy with that. Good luck.

thanks both for your very thoughtful responses.

While I do have strong feelings for him I could tone it down to just friends and not be too upset about it, but you are right there is a window on this before I get too emotionally involved - perhaps a couple of months.

He has times when he completely disappears off the radar ('lone wolf phase')...it is accepted amongst our friends that he goes awol on a regular basis. I have a demanding job involving travel plus lots of friends, lots of interests - so I am actually ok with this - I enjoy the space and freedom. In previous relationships I have often felt smothered/trapped.

I take on board your observation re aspie men and lack of consistency. One of the reasons I have found this situation tricky is because he blows hot and cold. I can tell that he is genuinely fond of me but very wary of getting close. It's 'two steps forward, one step back'...so it's moving in a good direction but I'm not sure where his limits are...we may already have reached them for all i know...in which case no - this would not be enough for me and we would have to go back to being friends.