Have Any of You Dated a Neurotypical Female?

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He probably doesn't have any proof, but I'll bet he's right. It stands to reason. Women are -don't seem to be, but ARE- much more critical of a guy's approach, personality, self confidence, and ability to read social cues, than a male would be of a female. Being on the spectrum can compromise all these qualities. Awkwardness actually isn't more tolerated in women, but if a woman can't pull of a smooth persona, she can always be a little quieter and pass herself off as shy. Now I don't know any man who would get turned off by a shy woman, so long as they found her somewhat attractive and nice. While a female lacking in social skills might attract the wrong kind of guy, it's just not as much of a deal breaker over all. An decent looking girl with AS can attract a male. A guy that can't navigate those subtle social cues won't be forgiven.

If you don't believe there are different standards, then ask yourself, if a guy has low muscle tone, don't you think it would be more detrimental than if a girl didn't have muscle tone? If a man has low social status, don't you think it would be more damaging to his chances than if a woman does? On the flip side, if a girl has a reputation for being crude and domineering, it works against her more than it would a guy.

We can probably all think of exceptions, but I think women on the spectrum have a better chance making it with a NT guy than a guy with AS or whatever would have getting a NT woman.

What hacks me off is someone being critical of how I or someone else say something, but do not offer suggest alternative ways of doing it. If you are going to criticize someone in the future, then suggest a way to change their behaivor. Otherwise we will just keep doing the same thing

been in a few, not in one currently, well sorta am though. Both myself and a coworker, we already acknowledged we like eachother and all that, but due to work schedules not matching up (she being in a totally different department and time in and out), we really can't hook up. So all it is at the moment is two people intensely liking eachother but can't do a damn thing about it.

Equally, in terms of dating, there are things men are much more critical of in women, even if they are not consciously aware of it.




Most women with AS can't pull off a smooth persona. A man might not get turned off by a shy woman, but it's not seen as attractive at any point in her life, whereas, I happen to know that 15 year old girls tend to love shy teenage boys. As for decent looking girls with AS being able to attract a man, first I think we would have to agree on what decent looking is because your idea of decent looking might actually require a keen fashion sense, hundreds of dollars in beauty products, and the ability to style one's own hair, and as a woman with AS, I tend to find such a level of decent looking hard to achieve or maintain. Other than that, I do consider myself decent looking, yet I'm rarely approached by men...one every few years, and and they do tend to be the wrong type of men. The first one was a guy in his 50's who tried to get me into his car when I was 17.

There are certain social cues that a guy can get in trouble for not understanding, pertaining to physical relations. For example, he may mis-read a woman and make a move, such as touch her, or kiss her, when that was NOT what she wanted. But a woman with AS can also misread social cues and be touched or kissed when she did not want to be, and may have difficulty distinguishing men with honorable intentions from men who are dangerous. So in this sense, not being able to read social cues is no less a problem for women as it is for men.

But NT women generally tend to be forgiving of a lot of AS traits, or at least willing to overlook them aside from the occasional rant they type on here, whereas NT men do notice when their wives or girlfriends are emotionally "cold" or don't like to be touched, or so on.



Honestly I've never heard women talk about muscle tone when talking about guys. They might notice if their boyfriend is muscular, but it's not high on the list of priorities for most women.



Correction, women on the spectrum have a better chance at finding an NT guy who wants to have sex with her, than a man on the spectrum has at finding an NT women who wants to have sex with him. But as far as a woman on the spectrum finding an NT guy she is compatible with who wants to have an actual relationship with her, and is willing to accept her eccentricities, I don't think women have any better a chance than men on the spectrum.

How about just "NT women" or "non-AS ladies" or similar? 'Females' sounds too clinical and object-like. It's the sort of thing a man might jocularly say in a pub to his mates.

Actually, ive only dated one woman (IRL, pathetic chatrooms does not count) who i told that i'm very certain that i had Aspergers. She was a bit different herself, she had herself sterilised because she didnt like kids and had some issues as well. Asperger never came up as a subject more than once and that topic lasted maby 2 minutes.

But in the end it did not matter, she was attractive and all that and she told me the same, the problem was that there were no "fire" so we ended it after 2 dates. (btw these 2 dates (jan-feb this year) were my first ones since June 2006). Right now i have de-registered from the dating site because i cannot be arsed to bother with dating anymore (i'm DYING to get a girlfriend, but if i cannot find what i want...). Its basically the same types that hang around there and most of them will never qualify for mensa membership, if you know what i mean.

My advice is this: Most people are morons, they cannot see the difference between psychopathy and aspergers. Keep it to yourself. Some girls are really open minded or have experience with it, but most people are not.

I disagree with one of your points. Male or female is a acceptable way to describe someone's gender. Just because some people in a pub might use it to turn a person into a object doesn't mean that is my or anyone else's intention when using that word(s).

I do agree that male or female is too clinical. Man or Woman is better for casual conversation such as this forum.

The girls I've dated have all been "neurotypical", but I got the sense that the OP was talking about the hyper-social, stereotyped subset of NTs. I dated a girl like that for 4 years and it was extremely difficult but it was good times for sure.

If the girl has low self-esteem it improves the guy's chances immeasurably.

Well that's ridiculous, lots of NT's aren't that way. I live with various NT family members who all have different social needs.

I'm just speaking from experience....

The few Aspies I've known who ended up in relationships made money. I didn't say women only care about money, but it does seem to be the only way they overlook something like AS.

Likewise, I've known Aspy girls who dated NT guys. Aspy girls are no different from NT ones in the type of guys they prefer-extroverted, socially confident, etc.

Last edited by SadAspy on 15 Mar 2011, 12:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

This.

Men care mostly about looks....I'm a guy and I'll admit this!

Women do care some about looks, but they care even more about social skills.

Ive only ever dated NT women.

There has been in a big change over the years though. Not in them but in me. As they say happens, the symptoms of AS lessen as you age and you develop coping mechanism. With my first gf, I would often sit behind her while we were speaking because I didnt like her looking directly at me. I would never even think of doing crazy things like that today. Though I had other problems to work through over the years and still have some today.

For some of you, getting to date a women of the same species is an achievement.

It was fine. I wasn't as passionately into her as I could have been but that's because I'm just more into men than I am women. It took a few girlfriends (all of them were NT but none lasted as long as the one I'm specifically referencing here) for me to figure out that I'm just better being passively attracted to women and live straight-acting. She was smart, funny and knew a lot about art and music. She had a lot more friends than me and that was intimidating. I didn't know I was an aspie then. Lord only knows what she found attractive in me. I don't know if a relationship with an aspie women would go better for me but since I'm married and monogamous, that'll be one of life's unanswered questions.

I kind of saw Chrono's response to this coming.

Here's the problem with your account - its very true for you, its also been quite true for me, I've been in a, single, one month relationship in my entire life when I was 20, outside of that I'm either radioactive or only find glancing blows where we not-so-seriously date a few weeks, I still feel single, and nothing really goes anywhere from either side.

You have to remember that the world treats everyone differently. When you try to extrapolate the rules of your own life onto society it instantly becomes false because, you may for instance have to work very hard, have everything in a row, be in great shape, perfect hygiene, great job, and none of that helps you whatsoever whereas another guy can be a complete wreck, personally and financially, have crap hygiene, and be doing great. Sometimes in the past when I've gotten such basic advice I always wanted to say "Ahhh....ok, so maybe my usual routine of unzipping my pants and chasing girls around the party with my ---- might not be the smoothest idea?". What it really comes to - all the things you can 'have together', do right, say right, etc. are very small slivers of you. What's in between those moments, those witty expressions, purchases of great bath soap and laundry products is you. Its not at all to say that you or I or bad people, its to say that this is the reason why a guy can be working at a gas station at 30 and still be doing significantly better than we are - women like their personalities, or their personalities match their appearances in a certain way that's conducive to very good first impression, its mannerisms, etc., those guys are wired in a way that women can inherently understand without trying to jump outside of their own framework whereas they may quite likely get migraines trying to understand or relate to us. What thought processes or first impressions comes natural or easy to us is completely and utterly foreign to them, and vice a verse by that token.

When I have had people correct me they've said things like "You don't need to be that deep" or "You think too much"...... I *understand* the social side of keeping that minimal and not rolling over people who don't want it, no shortage of common sense there. On the other hand, random kinds of things I'll say, unfortunately, take some extra observation, I tend to mistake simplicity of wording for simplicity of idea or how I got from A to B, it doesn't always work, just like my adherence to social norms doesn't work so well either. The problem is when someone says "Your deeper than you need to be", I almost want to mention to them that they're more north European than they need to be, that they could and should try being more Asian or Arabic when they get around to it. Not only is it vacuous, its implying that people think you're somehow trying to deviate from being a replica of them? Like if its different it must be a misguided attempt at social tools? This seems to be how little people really understand human wiring, human limitations, and what the heck their dealing with, which is really sad when you think about it. That said, I can bite my lip on depth, be quiet and you know what happens? People are commenting constantly why I'm so quiet or asking me "Are you having a good time? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure?". I think really, when you try a million ways to mask yourself for an environment that doesn't fit you, it will fall down one way or another no matter how much sincere effort you put into masking that.

This is why I think you, me, and other guys, just like women like Chronos and others like her, are on our own and yes - most people don't want to talk to other people about their problems because anyone not in the same situation will not understand. There are personalities that work, there are personalities that are full misfit, there are personalities that are only semi-misfit (which can work great or awful as well based on what combination of what) and, the way your nerves are routed or where you can't get communication from A to B in your brain do to how the highways of white matter are layed out, its the difference in someone who can do math easy vs. the person who has to memorize their times tables. Just like that, our problems with the opposite sex are literally a function of who we are. The only answer available out there as to what is that we need to try accepting ourselves as we are, the why of it is neurotypes - commonality, uncommonality, and how much those things play in either including (strengthening) or excluding (weakening) one person or the next. When you see these variances even within the autistic community - very attractive girls who strike out epically with guys, very average looking girls who do great (the quality of person being the same), guys who seem to have great personalities and social skills striking out where some other guys who are trainwrecked do great (again, the quality of person the same). With that in mind also, looking to "What are they doing right that I'm not?" unfortunately isn't a useful question to ask at the point most of us are at - you're either liked by the opposite sex in general or you're not.