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Anyone else decided to put off going for a relationship?

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FunnyFairytale
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14 Mar 2011, 1:54 pm

ok, so my quote came out all wrong, let me try again



FunnyFairytale
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14 Mar 2011, 2:00 pm

Wolfheart wrote:
TheMidnightJudge wrote:
Personally, I'd rather make friends and acquaintances now. Dealing with sexual or romantic elements is too stressful, and I haven't got the self esteem to try very hard. Maybe I'll make friends, and it'll be easier to pursue romantic interests in the future. Maybe I just won't bother.

Anyone else indifferent to romance at the moment?


Yep, relationships can be very emotionally draining and require alot of time and energy. It's better to accumulate a circle of friends that share similar interests to you and truly discover yourself and what you want in life before getting pidgeonholed in some relationship. Long Term Relationships can be rewarding in some cases but there's a heavy price to pay.

I would say enjoying yourself casually and focusing on yourself is probably the better alternative if you're not open to dating seriously. I've befriended girls before and in some cases, they do become clingy which is annoying when you just want a friendship or something casual but you can still find iwomen out there who are independent and self-sufficient that will be open to having a casual friendship.

FunnyFairytale wrote:
Not sure if I ever really tried.It will happen when it happens I guess.No need to force it:-)


Finding someone doesn't usually randomly happen, you usually have to actively pursue it and be persistant and prepared to face rejection. I've had girls approach me before and completely screwed it up in the past because i wasn't that good at reading social cues and hints, I'm a bit better at socialising now though. You need to work and work and work on your social skills and persist until you're good at it. It's an active pursuit, similar to getting a job.



Oh, Ive had relationships and have dated plenty of times.Not that any of it worked out *lol* but Ive done it and have 2 kids come out of that, so speaking of that, Im not worried and all these times it has happened when the time was right, not because I was really looking.Not trying actively isnt the same as sitting at home or not interacting in other ways.Im just not ever really looking on purpose.



Laz
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14 Mar 2011, 2:03 pm

I think even if someone was interested in pursuing a relaitonship with me at this moment in time I would probably be reluctant to do so. What would be of greater benefit to me in the long term would be to establish my social life where I live now and expand and diversify that circle of friends. So I think a relationship is not something I'm actively pursuing now. Instead I'm focusing on my interests and sharing those with people who enjoy them as well.

That's the way I've always met new friends and new companions in my life.


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CJame
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15 Mar 2011, 5:50 am

TheMidnightJudge wrote:
Personally, I'd rather make friends and acquaintances now. Dealing with sexual or romantic elements is too stressful, and I haven't got the self esteem to try very hard. Maybe I'll make friends, and it'll be easier to pursue romantic interests in the future. Maybe I just won't bother.

Anyone else indifferent to romance at the moment?


The pragmatic side of me often tells me that I would reject a girl if she asked me out because relationships are so draining and sometimes prevent self-growth. I've only been overtly pursued by three girls in my life, so it's quite a rarity. I'm generally too shy to ask a girl out.

The other side of me is saying, "hell yea, say yes to a relationship opportunity for practice." If I wait forever to be "ready" in terms of self improvement, I may be horribly out of practice in terms of sustaining a healthy relationship. Just because two people are meant for each other doesn't mean they will stay together, especially due to a lack of experience. Relationships take work unfortunately =/



rpcarnell
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16 Mar 2011, 1:46 pm

I have been pursued by only one, and she was a nut.

I decided to put off dating when I was 22. I am 40 now, and sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I hadn't decided that. A wife and kids may not be good for me at all, since I like to be alone most of the time.

It might be a idea, since all I have is my mom and sister, and they are two religious nuts. You never know what kind of crazy nonsense they will do in the future and ruin me, and I won't able to ask anyone for help.



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19 Mar 2011, 8:09 am

Grisha wrote:
alone wrote:
My problem in relationships is I feel someone else is there living my life with me. The closer they are the more they are living the minutes with me. They are in on so many decisions. When to eat, what to do, what to watch, when to go to bed, when to return phone calls, what to eat, have an opinion on my interests, opinion on my look, opinion on the living space...just in everything. I have no idea why that feels good to anyone.

I don't ever look for a relationship but they seem to happen and I feel smothered almost instantly. I don't know why I let it happen and can't figure out how to keep it from feeling this way. I make sure I am transparent, tell the truth about myself and never fails I can't get anyone to believe me that it is for real....don't smother me.

:(


+1

NTs (or at least the ones I end up with) love to smother - I call them "facehuggers".

I have absolutely no need to smother back so it ends up being really lopsided and I end up running for my life.

I need to find an Aspie girl or give the whole thing up - and I'm trying really hard to do the latter...


I can relate to this a lot. But, for what it's worth, some people with Asperger's have a clingy/needy side to their personalities and I actually had more problems of this nature when in a long-term relationship with a guy with Asperger's than in other relationships. There was a black and white element to both our ways of thinking and, for him, it was kind of like either we were together or on the phone all the time or he was suddenly feeling very abandoned.

That said, others among us tend to take a very laissez faire approach towards relationships, too. So, I hate to make an already complex situation more complex, but I'd say you have to find the right Aspie girl for you. Or, maybe even just a very independent NT girl, who has an active social life that affords you time alone while she's out having margarita nights with 'the girls' or whatever.



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19 Mar 2011, 8:23 am

blueroses wrote:
Grisha wrote:
alone wrote:
My problem in relationships is I feel someone else is there living my life with me. The closer they are the more they are living the minutes with me. They are in on so many decisions. When to eat, what to do, what to watch, when to go to bed, when to return phone calls, what to eat, have an opinion on my interests, opinion on my look, opinion on the living space...just in everything. I have no idea why that feels good to anyone.

I don't ever look for a relationship but they seem to happen and I feel smothered almost instantly. I don't know why I let it happen and can't figure out how to keep it from feeling this way. I make sure I am transparent, tell the truth about myself and never fails I can't get anyone to believe me that it is for real....don't smother me.

:(


+1

NTs (or at least the ones I end up with) love to smother - I call them "facehuggers".

I have absolutely no need to smother back so it ends up being really lopsided and I end up running for my life.

I need to find an Aspie girl or give the whole thing up - and I'm trying really hard to do the latter...


I can relate to this a lot. But, for what it's worth, some people with Asperger's have a clingy/needy side to their personalities and I actually had more problems of this nature when in a long-term relationship with a guy with Asperger's than in other relationships. There was a black and white element to both our ways of thinking and, for him, it was kind of like either we were together or on the phone all the time or he was suddenly feeling very abandoned.

That said, others among us tend to take a very laissez faire approach towards relationships, too. So, I hate to make an already complex situation more complex, but I'd say you have to find the right Aspie girl for you. Or, maybe even just a very independent NT girl, who has an active social life that affords you time alone while she's out having margarita nights with 'the girls' or whatever.


I think either a very independent NT girl or possibly someone who shares my special interests, which thankfully aren't too esoteric.

I've had one LTR besides my (failed) marriage - she was NT, but liked to do everything I did. Hiking, camping, fishing, diving/snorkeling, travelling, museums, etc - we did everything together and it didn't feel "smothering" at all. We were just profoundly incompatible in other ways (politics/religion). I'm a liberal agnostic, she was a conservative Christian.



Nathalie
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19 Mar 2011, 11:49 am

When I was about 16 years old I promised myself never to fall in love again. It's too difficult for me, though I do really like children and would love to raise my own some day, it's not meant to be.



DCxMagus
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19 Mar 2011, 5:40 pm

Nathalie wrote:
When I was about 16 years old I promised myself never to fall in love again. It's too difficult for me, though I do really like children and would love to raise my own some day, it's not meant to be.


making life long decision at the age of 16 isn't the greatest idea



Volodja
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19 Mar 2011, 6:05 pm

Agrreed ^

Any experiences with falling love before the age of 17 are gonna be different to 10 or 20 years down the line



Nathalie
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20 Mar 2011, 2:10 am

Maybe someday I'll change my mind, but so far my life is easier alone and I'm happier. I'm almost 23 now, and still feel thesame about relationships.