Advice for an aspie who can't connect to his wife

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Ask for specific things you can do differently. She may have difficulty with this concept; many NTs do. I have had this come up with work. If a boss says to me "get it done" or "go faster", this is meaningless to me. Do you mean you think I'm slacking off and just goofing around or dogging it to spite you? The answer, of course, is no, but what they don't understand is that they can't transfer their motivation over to me the way they do NTs. The NT in that situation may not ACTUALLY be any faster, but will probably at least appear more distressed over that fact and really that's all they want, an emotional response. When they don't get it, then you hear words like "lazy", "selfish", "uncaring", "cold", etc. Now, if someone can tell me specifically what to do differently that might be helpful or allow me to do better, in the context of work or w/e else, I'll probably try it. I'm not that stubborn or closed minded that I think I'm right all the time, but you'll get no emotional response out of me. You can try and try and try to get me to care about something just because you care about it, but it doesn't work that way for me.

An AS diagnosis is probably way too expensive, and you're probably too old for most insurance to cover it. Counseling for marriage problems and depression is, as has been mentioned, fairly affordable.

First off, you need to be willing to compromise. You can't emotionally "get it", but you can intellectually consider her perspective. What issues do you fight about? Is it money, work schedules, etc. Is it like housework and cleanliness and stuff. This is I think the most pointless thing people fight about, but it comes up often. Take a look at these issues and think of how you might do things differently to avoid conflict. Examine your own reasons for doing things the way you do and consider whether it might be worth it to bend some in order to avoid conflict.

Second, she has to be willing to compromise and acknowledge that you have limitations and that you relate to her differently than other people. She has to be willing to accept that your way of thinking is simply radically different from hers, and in the end, if she's not willing to accept that, it's best for both of you to end the relationship. If she's unhappy that she has to tell you directly what's upsetting her, then she won't ever be satisfied, because as aspies, we're unlikely to ever guess what it is, unless it's an issue that comes up over and over again, so it becomes rote memorized. This is the "emotional reciprocity" thing. We can think from other people's point of view but it's very difficult to feel emotionally what they are feeling.

Ask for specific things you can do differently. She may have difficulty with this concept; many NTs do. I have had this come up with work. If a boss says to me "get it done" or "go faster", this is meaningless to me. Do you mean you think I'm slacking off and just goofing around or dogging it to spite you? The answer, of course, is no, but what they don't understand is that they can't transfer their motivation over to me the way they do NTs. The NT in that situation may not ACTUALLY be any faster, but will probably at least appear more distressed over that fact and really that's all they want, an emotional response. When they don't get it, then you hear words like "lazy", "selfish", "uncaring", "cold", etc. Now, if someone can tell me specifically what to do differently that might be helpful or allow me to do better, in the context of work or w/e else, I'll probably try it. I'm not that stubborn or closed minded that I think I'm right all the time, but you'll get no emotional response out of me. You can try and try and try to get me to care about something just because you care about it, but it doesn't work that way for me.

She's bugging you for "not bettering yourself". What does that mean? I would have serious doubts about a relationship if I ever heard that line, because what it usually means is that in that person's judgment, you're either not working enough or not making enough money, or both. Ask her specifically to elaborate what this phrase means, and DO NOT ACCEPT dodges or non-answers. If she can't at least come up with specific things, then the problem is hers and not yours. Ask her what specific things that you're not doing that she thinks you should do, and what specific things you're doing that you shouldn't. If you force her to put it in those terms, you will at least get the argument down to a point where it's intelligible to you as an aspie.

@Zur-Darkstar, I liked your advice to the OP, but I wanted to comment on your example above. I suspect that you take your deliverables seriously and literally: I'm sure you understand the objective at hand, and work through each task necessary to complete the project. I think when bosses urge their staff to "go faster" or "get it done," - what they're really saying is "cut corners." Why don't they just say, "cut corners?" Because that would probably mean they'd have to admit that their approach to project estimation and management is woefully inadequate, and they won't admit that to their own bosses. Sad, but true.

Hello everyone, I'm new here, but I found your site while searching for help so I figured this would be a good place to start. I self-diagnosed myself with Asperger's a couple of years ago. I would definitely count as having the disorder if tested, I just never have. I've been managing alright for the most part for the longest time, but recently I've run into some major problems with my marriage.

My wife and I have been married for less than a year but have been together since high school, over 5 and a half years. We have had some very big issues lately. We fight all the time, almost every day. She is always telling me that I can't see her point of view, and I am not compassionate about her at all, only caring about myself. Sadly, there is a lot of truth in this. When we argue, I always try to blame her, but I know a lot of the problems are caused by the fact that I have a hard time relating to her, understanding her problems or even caring about her sometimes. I try to understand, but it's like my brain was only designed to handle one person's emotions at a time, and it doesn't even do that well.

It's gotten to the point where she tells me she hates me because I just "don't get it and never will" and is only staying with me because she has nowhere else to go (which is true). I've been trying to get better on my own, because I know there is no way I could ever afford therapy but everything I try doesn't work, and I'm losing hope.

Does anyone have any advice for me or resources I can investigate? I don't want to lose my wife as I do truly love her, but I'm at the end of my rope, I don't know what else to do or who to turn to. Anything at all would be wonderful.