How do you deal with people that suddenly lose interest?

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i do not invite peoples interest. whether they are interested in me or not is their own decision.
in fact, when someone starts to show an active interest in what i am involved in, then i often feel that it is a burden because i must thereafter craft and mold my way through my explorations with reference to them unless i am cold hearted enough to cast them aside.

if someone does not wish for me to continue narrating my arduously compiled monologue that i trot out in response to the chore of having to talk about what they say, then i am fine with that.

i consider it an "early mark". a "get out of jail for free" almost.

Laz can always fix the crux of any problem in 20 words or less.

100% this.

FAO Toad of Steel: It really sounds as if you have been listening far too much to the judgemental types on here who are willing to slap a label on people at every opportunity by being so paranoid. There's nothing wrong with sending a follow up to an un-replied me a few days after the original has gone unanswered. Maybe they forgot to reply, maybe they didn't have anything interesting to say themselves or as raining-roses pointed out, they might be juggling multiple conversations and trouble keeping track. I can't comment on the content that is in the messages you are sending out, only you have the answer to that, but if you making a genuine effort to strike up a connection and get a conversation going, then it doesn't sound to me like you are the one with the problem here.

I always make sure I make some sort of response to the messages I receive, not even acknowledging that someone has taken the time to write to you (assuming what they have written is not inappropriate of course) is what i consider to be rude, in my opinion. Although most of the messages I get on POF are from single mothers (no thanks) so those conversations never last very long.

I figure they lost interest and resume my normal activities.

some people are just very rude and inconsiderate, they would be hurt if somebody did the same to them but they think nothing of doing it to other people

people are just passive too and try to avoid confrontation

The best way of looking at it is this - you've been you for 23 years, the girl you're talking to has been her for... about as long or within a few years at least? Its not so much about trying to influence people as it is having a conversation to sort of scrape away the mystery and reveal the person you're talking to, to see if it could work or not. If she stops - odds are either a) something came up that was in fact a dealbreaker or b) someone else came along where you were three or four stars out of five, this person was near a perfect five. Truthfully speaking as a guy, that's not too far off from how we usually do it either.

One of the biggest weaknesses we have with AS, aside from having social performance deficits at times, is being raised with the belief that we're way out in left field, can't trust our own judgment, or that any time we're rejected or disliked its our fault and it means that we need to correct something about ourselves. When you really think of it, often times our expectations and what we're lead to believe that we should perform up to can range from supernatural to chasing two halves of the mutually exclusive. If you're anyone with a pulse and a personality, many people aren't supposed to like you - just by having a defined character in one direction or another. Accordingly with women, they're looking out for their own best interests as well and if you're on a page where they can't join you and continue to be true to themselves, that's it. That's the reflexive nature of having such a label and its something that many of us spend significant portions of our lives trying to teach ourselves how to unlearn.

So, in other words, I'm totally screwed. Because for any woman, there is a better man out there for her than me.

Except it is my fault. If I was a more normal person I wouldn't be having this problem. And yet, I can't me a more normal person because that's changing who I am...

I guess you have to ask yourself this then: to try and manipulate your way into a relationship with a person who's not going to appreciate you for who you are, are you ok with being used and abused? Are you ok with having a really nasty split down the line or clinging to them all the way while they're on the attack even to peel you off?

Maybe what you need to do is fight against it like I did when I was younger with 200%, I mean superhuman health-destroying effort, do that for several years until you find out just how unchangeable it is. Once you've bashed up your adrenal glands good and proper and made yourself even look more scared and nervous rather than tougher for it - you'll have it in you somewhere to forgive yourself for the things that you can't change. Whatever you have to do though I think getting yourself there - ie. being able to accept life as it is - that's really your next step, without that you'll be stuck in a pretty nasty loop.


No, technically its your parents fault if you want to go that route - a certain sperm met a certain egg and the body and genetic set that you have are extremely inconvenient to what you want out of life. Technically even looking at them who knows - if they would have really played roulette they could have had a 1 in 100 shot if instead having a super-NT Harvard graduate for a son. It didn't happen that way and, as in time and space everything comes from a precident, everything is technically predestined back to the big bang - as are you rather than the Harvard grad.

I guess I should add though - I remember being your age (31, it was really only 8 or 9 years ago) and I do remember that your friends, coworkers, etc., no one will give you a moments peace, no one will let you forget that your single, etc.. What to do with that? You'll never 'cool' your way out of it. Now, if you really get good at a martial art, or really work on having a few skills sets or talents that other people can't help but respect - it will give you negotiating chips (against criticism), that might be worth a try.

Pretty much though yes - we're all f'd in that we will never be the cool kids. That and yes, a lot of us will be dads - in our late thirties or early 40's. The first half of the dating game is where people assess each others genetic health and that takes precedent, until your in your mid 30's, by that time the paradigm shifts a bit (and yes - firtility in a partner declines, I think its likely part of natures intent that we're not attractive until then though).

It sounds like, ultimately, this battle isn't between you and women, its a battle between you and your expectations. They are who they are - guys, girls, anyone you meet out there or cross paths with, you obviously know you have no control over that because you've acknowledged that you want to fix/correct yourself. The trouble is, you can do so much of that but most of this really never will go away. You'll find out that your different because your circuitry is routed differently, their processes that you envy are impossible to build because you would need to essentially build a water treatment plant right in the middle of the highway in your own city, its that hopeless and that inherently structural. Just like that they could never in their lives be you, they'd fail just as spectacularly at trying to emulate you as you would emulating them.

I think when you can accept that life is mostly gloom and doom on that level, it even ends up that way for those who you think really have it all (wait till your late 20's when many of those people you look up to now are divorced or have three kids by three moms and can't move out of a bachelor flat because they owe their soul in child support). The human wreckage heap is big and, as aspies, we essentially start out in that heap. The way out? Years of learning how to reassess ourselves, and finding out strangely that if you've really been at it for a long time people will start giving you credit for it.

Didn't think I'd write that much but I see that the first post whizzed right past you.

Ignore those people and find nicer ones.