I wanna date an Aspie

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@Esther, I've heard this often and believed it until recently.....maybe it's not that my belief in the veracity of that idea has changed - just that my interpretation of what it really means has changed. I used to interpret that statement as meaning that the Aspie had emotionally disconnected from the relationship - that the feelings, connection, etc., had just evaporated. I think it can mean that, but I also think that it can be much more about being stubborn, self-handicapping, etc. - more a product of rigid thinking and a lack of relationship skills than flipping an emotional switch to "off."

I think this interpretation makes it more of a complex problem for the OP. His ex may indeed be still emotionally invested in him, and in some ways it's more comforting to find signs or "evidence" that your ex still cares for you (the emotional switch is still "on"). But the fundamental problem still exists: your ex doesn't have the relationship skills (and isn't open to developing the relationship skills) needed to make any relationship work. I mean, who gives their partner a "test" for Chrissakes? Who believes a relationship has to be all smooth sailing in order to be a good relationship? Relationships are all about working things out - not bolting after the first disagreement.

OP, I realize that you're clearly stuck on your ex, and I feel for you. But you have to ask yourself, does he really have the relationship skills to be with you? Is he able (and willing) to communicate honestly and openly? Is he capable of forming a deep, intimate, emotional connection? Does he even want that kind of connection? Is Asperger's his only issue, or are there others? I'm not trying to criticize him (because as much as you still feel for him, I'm sure that would only provoke a protective response from you) - I'm just encouraging you to see him for the person he really is. He was that person before he met you, and I'm sorry to say, he'll likely be that person in the future.

It's easy, as the ex-partner, to fall into the trap of feeling bad about yourself, as in, "He didn't love me enough to change," or "He didn't think I was special enough to fight for," or "He'd rather be alone in his isolation and loneliness than be with me," - the list goes on an on. But you have to remember that you're not responsible for the issues, needs, desires, etc. he brought to your relationship. While you may have been willing to do anything, make any effort to be with him, you have to ask yourself if he really wanted that kind of bond - not just with you, but with anyone. It seems like you tried as hard as you could, but just because you're the kind of person that does seem to want a deep emotional connection with a lover doesn't mean that he was wired the same way, you know? It's so hard to accept that someone you truly cared for - someone who made your heart flutter and put a smile on your face every time you thought of him - may not be capable of returning your feelings. (Even worse if they could be capable, but won't make the effort to be capable.)

I don't mean to make you feel worse than you do....I'm just trying to get you to take a step back (or two), and realize that his problems may be much more complicated than you believe. While he may believe that simply meeting the "right one," is the solution he's looking for, it doesn't work that way. It's clear that you loved him, you stuck with him, you tried to keep the lines of communication open after you broke up, etc., but kiddo, you can't fix him. You can't heal him, you can't change him, you can't save him - that's all up to him. I hope you can find a way to start taking care of yourself now. Good luck.

Hi HopeGrows..
you have to know i love your username..

i agree, and it's possibly and quite like that.. though i never know anything for sure, everything i know are just as good as guesses..


yes, i know some and have asked and tried to answer those.. its okay. those are very valid concerns regarding such relationship, i understand.. whatever the real or accurate answers for these are, its okay. i would still continue, if i have to wait or need to learn and understand something, i'm okay with that, as i know there are those i have to learn but at least learn it or wait with me not test me with it. he kinda made me go after him and then made me wait, so i guess its not all me who started all this. i do not ask for a lot, how we were or how he used to be is good enough. i do not ask for the stars and moon. i dont require him to love me like how i love him or how others usually love, or reciprocate all that i do. i just want to love him and be there for him. i know and do not require the usual relationship. i've been in usual relationships, it either bore, suffocate or annoy the living daylight out of me. i love how we used to be as friends but he always assume the worst from me. like if we have issues what he always think i'm asking from him is wrong or too much than what it actually is. i am already perfectly happy talking to him, hearing his voice, his laughter, hearing him say he loves me.. things would be better or great to just see him smile, hold his hand, a hug, a kiss.. i'm not looking for a skillful relationship genius. i love our friendship but he thinks i'm asking for something that could be too much for him. plus i know he needs his alone time, thats okay, i need mine too, i need time for work, friends, families and i have tons of those, so im also not after the usual relationship.


its okay.. i dont feel anything right now, maybe later tonight i'll grow depressed again.. hihi.. dont worry, i'm already doing a line dance stepping back and forth, one and two.. kinda fun.. lol.. kidding.. i know.. i know can't heal, change or save him.. i dont even plan to, i just want to be there with him and let him know its okay..

thank you HopeGrows for your intentions and for your words.. it means a lot..

I'm 34 and have never had a girlfriend despite trying virtually everything I've ever heard or can think of. My therapist says there are women out there who like Aspie men. I seem not to meet any. If you're in the Seattle area I'm game.

Thanks - I kinda like yours, as well.


Kiddo, I know you're head-over-heels for this guy, but I've got to ask you - why don't you want the stars and moon? Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but I'm interpreting your statement as meaning you don't need him to love you as much as you love him? Whether I've dated Aspies or NTs, I've always expected them to love me as deeply as I loved them....not necessarily in the same way, but certainly with the same depth of emotion. You seem like such a sweet guy - I just hope you're not settling. Take care.

Hi..

hihi..


as much as i never liked to be head over heels about someone - i am now.. what will i do with the stars and moon? i've been and seen relationships which one warrants such from the other that the these stars and moons comes crashing down on them or their relationship. and individually not all may be able to provide the other such and one may not perceive the other as already giving it and sometimes there are really those that cannot at all - that could even be me. i have learned and accepted that. and what if theres a person that would even bring down the whole of heaven for me but i do not feel the same way or feel love in my heart for him/her. and what if we love each in the same depth, then what? it could start getting boring, i find the person i love more important than the way i am loved because for a person to be able to draw such beautiful emotions from me is already divine. and it would be nice to spend your time or lives together figuring out how to love each other more with your own ways and in accord with theirs. and i was never looking for the moon and the stars at all before but instead in my aspie i found a home which kinda turns out i'm not welcome to. he gave me something else with how he is..

i am not settling. going for my usual great NT suitors would be settling just like my previous NT relationships as they could promise me the moon and stars which i do not require, but also along with the usual NT relationship issues.. i do not need love in a particular depth, i dont even know my own depth. if i need a certain kind or way of loving i would ask, if cant be given there will be other ways. my aspie's love and just even his attention was enough; for me to be with the person that inspires me is great already. i do not need a mansion or palace if all i ever wanted is to live in a cozy cottage in the woods which is my home. love is love however you look at it. what's the most important for me, being how i am is that i am able to love. i realized and believe that the greatest lesson anyone should learn with their life is to love, not by how the other would define it but how you would, in a way like how a mother loves a child and even that needs perfecting. as to why i am attracted to aspies i still cant find the best way to explain it but i will try..

plus i could spend my whole life trying to find that someone who could love me as much as i could love them with all the heartbreaks from so many people even wrong ones and just end up alone.

oh and..

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."
- Leo Buscaglia

*though i kinda was made to expect some things..

Be careful what you wish for Sucker!

sure.. you too..

well.. even probably with schizoid personality disorder.. =p

As an aspie, I give you my deepest sympathies. I understand being OCD about dating. I dated a music ed major, and now I think that anyone who is studying to be a music teacher or anything music related is sexy.

But there are plenty of aspies in this world. Heck, I came to find that I attend college with a few.

Hi Northeastern292! thanks.. lol yeah, im kinda OCD with everything.. sometimes its good and obviously sometimes it gets bad.. and musical people are sexxay.. just too bad for me, not much are around me the closest doesnt want to see me nor talk to me anymore.. anyway, hope u'r well..

Are you a guy?

Yes he is, if his profile is accurate.

yup and yup.. but avatar is a cat now..

it hurts so much to just be dismissed and will be forgotten just like that.. i never mattered.. i didnt even get anything but this depression.. and its all my fault but i just wanted to love..

f*ck l*ve..

i miss my aspie.. i miss myself.. and i will miss love..