How should I let women down online?

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Moog
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28 Mar 2011, 7:41 am

DrizzleMan wrote:

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:

I did play it as a numbers game as you suggest, but it would have made the job much easier, faster, and more efficient if they'd just told me.

I used to think the same way, but once you play it as a numbers game - how would rejections be useful? Instead of an inbox with 2 messages from interested people, you'd have 2 messages from interested people and 8 rejections. That's 8 useless, time wasting messages - you'd have to read them to see they were rejections, but there'd be no point responding.

Yes, lack of reply is horribly frustrating if you don't play the numbers game - but the only solution is to play the numbers game.

Rejection can be useful when it gives you feedback that you can use to refine your future actions.

Of course, 8 messages that say 'no, get stuffed' doesn't really provide that.

I don't like this numbers game business. If you are out to date just anyone, I suppose it could work.

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Bethie
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28 Mar 2011, 7:52 am

hale_bopp wrote:

Women get so many messages on dating sites and often don't reply to people they aren't interested in because of the backlash they usually get. This is the case with many of the women on a dating site I go to.

Butthurt people are not fun to deal with.

Dude. If I could get a message from an interested guy on OKC, I'd marry him. :lol:

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Grisha
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28 Mar 2011, 7:56 am

Bethie wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Dude. If I could get a message from an interested guy on OKC, I'd marry him. :lol:

What's your profile name? You'll have 12 interested WP guys in no time...time to Google "polygamy"... :wink:

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28 Mar 2011, 8:24 am

Grisha wrote:

Bethie wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Dude. If I could get a message from an interested guy on OKC, I'd marry him. :lol:

What's your profile name? You'll have 12 interested WP guys in no time...time to Google "polygamy"... :wink:

Not telling!

The only messages I get are someone wanting to start a debate with me. :cry:

ntgrl
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28 Mar 2011, 10:51 am

manlyadam wrote:

"I think you're great, thanks for talking to me, I've actually found a guy now I've started dating"

Saying something like this would be best in my opinion.

Grisha
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28 Mar 2011, 10:57 am

ntgrl wrote:

manlyadam wrote:

"I think you're great, thanks for talking to me, I've actually found a guy now I've started dating"

Saying something like this would be best in my opinion.

Even if you really think he's just gross? :wink:

The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Mar 2011, 10:57 am

all_white wrote:

I agree it would be kinder to have a standard "copy and paste" message that you send people, to tactfully break it to them somehow that you're not interested.

I would prefer to be told exactly why.

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28 Mar 2011, 10:59 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

all_white wrote:

I agree it would be kinder to have a standard "copy and paste" message that you send people, to tactfully break it to them somehow that you're not interested.

I would prefer to be told exactly why.

Maybe "I'm not looking for a disembodied head in a jar?" :wink:

The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Mar 2011, 11:08 am

Grisha wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

all_white wrote:

I agree it would be kinder to have a standard "copy and paste" message that you send people, to tactfully break it to them somehow that you're not interested.

I would prefer to be told exactly why.

Maybe "I'm not looking for a disembodied head in a jar?" :wink:

...for example!

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28 Mar 2011, 11:09 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

all_white wrote:

I agree it would be kinder to have a standard "copy and paste" message that you send people, to tactfully break it to them somehow that you're not interested.

I would prefer to be told exactly why.

When I was into online dating, that is exactly what would happen. Guys would email me back, thanking me profusely for actually taking the time to let them know I wasn't interested (having received my copy and paste message), and politely and earnestly wanting to know why.

That's the part I struggled with. I either wrote an awkward sort of tailored response, or just ignored them.

I hate hurting people. No one really wants to be told they're too fat / too boring / far too old for me etc, etc.

Believe me, you may think you want to be told why, but you don't.

I sure wouldn't want some random stranger sending me a message saying: "face it, lady. You're ugly."

Wouldn't it be better to just leave them to carry on their search until they find the one person who is right for them, who will be attracted to them, and who won't find them boring / ugly / too old / insert other negative criteria here?

There are all different types of people in the world, so I think it's preferable to be gushed over by Ms Right and have her make your day, rather than have all the Ms Wrongs pick faults with you and make you burst into tears.

The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Mar 2011, 11:16 am

all_white wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

all_white wrote:

I agree it would be kinder to have a standard "copy and paste" message that you send people, to tactfully break it to them somehow that you're not interested.

I would prefer to be told exactly why.

Rejection with no feedback is as hurtful as a rejection with feedback. I would appreciate more the latter option.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 28 Mar 2011, 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

all_white
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28 Mar 2011, 11:24 am

Well then, don't shoot yourself in the foot asking for further feedback once you've received a courtesy rejection!

I think it's only good manners to let people know you're not interested. Even a standard "no thank you" reply is better than nothing. Otherwise, people (em, meaning me) have been known to obsess over certain profiles and agonise for days about whether or not they are ever going to reply.

mra1200
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28 Mar 2011, 11:52 am

manlyadam wrote:

and then I need to talk to the ones that want to talk to me until I find the one I think I can have the best relationship with and hopefully start to date

I don't know anyone who dates like this. What if the one you want to date doesn't feel the same about dating you? Now you've rejected a bunch of potential dates and wasted a ton of time if you go about it as you've described.

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Moog
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28 Mar 2011, 11:55 am

Virtual rope.

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hale_bopp
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28 Mar 2011, 1:53 pm

Bethie wrote:

Grisha wrote:

Bethie wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Dude. If I could get a message from an interested guy on OKC, I'd marry him. :lol:

What's your profile name? You'll have 12 interested WP guys in no time...time to Google "polygamy"... :wink:

Not telling!

The only messages I get are someone wanting to start a debate with me. :cry:

Sounds like a weird dating site. If you had that picture on NZ dating you would be swamped with messages from men saying "You're the best looking person on this site".

You can try it if you want, but at some point you'll have to tell them you don't live in NZ

The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Mar 2011, 3:00 pm

^ Yea, I find this too weird as well.

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