Signs of an unhealthy relationship

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The only sign of an unhealthy relationship I can come up with right now is having to depend on your partner in order to do most things.

Like I have a friend who likes to joke every now and then about how his gf is unable to have female friends(she has a couple of them but she is allways critizicing them and trying to get rid of her as soon as she has plans so I guess that doesnt count). At the start I laughed at his joke, Ive seen it done to many times but he seemed to say it in a different way.

Then I met his gf and I realized he wasnt joking.

She has no friends that I know of(there are a couple of girls around her every now and then but she is allways critizicing them and we´ve been asked by her to pretend they arent there so that they dont want to come whenever she is with her bf/his friends), she has cancelled other things several times to spend time with us when we barely knew her(a week after meeting her I made a joke about how we should have some sort of christmas gathering and the next week she was telling me that she had a work meal/class meal but she could cancel both).


They have been going out for several years but I dont know how they´ve been able to do it.

Oh, cool! I just saw this. No one had really responded to my original post and I'd thought I'd kind of killed the thread.

I'd agree that constant put-downs and criticism can be very damaging, as well as controlling behavior, ie. always needing to be together, getting jealous of time spent with family and friends or always needing to know where your partner is at all times.

That was my ex, and sure, I like complimenting other girls, but in no way would I ever cheat on a girlfriend. I saw my parent's messy divorce, and I wouldn't want to subject myself to anything like that, not even for a second.

Always arguments in your relationship

Always wanting to pry in on your life like knowing what you talked about with your parents

Not wanting you to talk to your parents

Not liking little things you do like playing your game at the table or your hand wringing or twisting, the clothes you wear, you rocking, you stacking jelly packets at the table nor liking your quirks

Is very negative so they are negative about everything, especially about your interests and your quirks and what you wear

Makes you feel bad about yourself simply because they are negative people so they have negative thoughts

Feels the need to tell their kids everything about you and what goes on between you and him or her and the things you have said or what jokes you took seriously or phrases you took literal

Always has excuses for every solution you give them so they can blow them off

Always on the computer playing internet games and never getting off and they refuse to work and always have excuses

Can't respect your opinions so they must keep arguing with you until you agree

Makes you feels bad for not doing things like such as staying up late with them or moving to another bedroom because of their snoring so they make you feel bad by making you out to be a self centered person (emotional controlling)

Anything you do seems to never be good enough for the person

Always acts like you are ret*d

Someone who is always wanting to break up with you or move out but they can't seem to make up their mind (yeah I did this)

You are always depressed in your relationship (this was also me)

Increased anxiety (also me)

More of your AS symptoms show and you have more meltdowns (also me)

You always have to go out to your car to talk on the phone with someone such as your parents or wait till your partner is gone so you can talk to them on the phone

You feel you can't get any privacy

Not wanting you to talk about your issues with others and they refuse to discuss them with you or even support you

Trying to cut you off from your friends, even online ones

Tries to get you to not go out with anyone, especially if they aren't the same gender as you

Wanting you to go everywhere with them, even to places you don't like and then they have a problem with it when you say no.

Not being direct with you and always expecting you to read their mind

Always insulting you

Always teasing and using sarcasm and won't cut back on it

Lot of these happened in my last relationships.

Waking up with a severed weeny

You say that as if it'd be severed while you're asleep and you'd only notice in the morning, which is rather unhealthy in itself

When the relationship makes you physically unhealthy or is detrimental to your wellbeing.

When you lose weight and hair due to relationship stress.

When things feel one-sided or don't feel your partner is "on the same frequency", particularly emotionally. (ie. being in a relationship but still feeling lonely)

When there is no communication. Partners should be able to talk about anything and everything.

When there is too much pride/lack of humility (arguments happen over things and neither party is willing step down and take blame, rather they escalate the dispute).

When there is an uneven amount of give or take (eg. demanding sex all the time but not contributing anything back to the relationship, one partner forcing the other to make many sacrifices when they themselves don't). General selfishness really.



Really I think most unhealthy signs can be put down to one or both people having unhealthy personalities. The unhealthy relationship is just the result.

I would like to advice all aspies to research narcissistic personality disorder (and others that fall under the cluster B category) Aspies will always be somewhat vulnerble to the manipulative in certain ways (becasue it occurs through the social plane), and the narcs can sense this, believe me.

If you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, it is 1000x more important for you to learn at least something about it. It could save you years of hell..
It's also a fascinating subject.

If you google it you'll probably get some stuff from a self proclaimed one called Sam Vaknin. As much as I hate him, most of his information is correct, it's just his viewpoint/description of victims as inferior that bothers me.

However below is the single most comprehensive and useful resource I have found on the subject
http://www.escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf

Take care.

I find this information very useful. This will help me avoid any catastrophes in future relationships with women.

I spent a lot of time researching NPD at one point. I thought Sam's site was great.

I thought of a good one,

When you start to zone out at work and can't remember what your boss tells you and you are getting very forgetful and you have a hard time following what someone is saying. You hear them but it's like your mind can't process the words so you keep needing them to repeat themselves. This comes from the relationship stress.

When you start finding yourself at places and have no memory of how you got there. Then you remember you stopped there to get something eg. catfood. Also from relationship stress.

(This happened with me in my first relationship because of the depression (that increased from the relationship) and I thought I was going stupid but it was the depression and the bass my ex always had on from his game. He had these huge speakers connected to his computer. Then after we broke up, I was back to my normal self just like that, it was like magic because he wasn't in my home anymore)

I seem to be a histrionic magnet. They latch on to me, subdue me and unknowingly push me into the "friend zone" then drain my wallet and fly away.

Con artists latch on to me all of the time. They are like sharks smelling blood in the water. One that I asked for a date once turned me down flat. Then she found out I ran an apartment house for my father and she was there every time I turned around for months. I began to deceive myself that she was interested in me. And she was.............in a way.............interested in getting a free apartment out of me, that is.

His was my first read and there are some very good articles, I think I just hated the fact that the jerk was getting so much supply from everyone, what with him suceeding in getting his work plastered all over the internet.

Did you see the I, Psychopath documentary he did? It was quite interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

I am trying to figure out whether I have ever been in a really healthy relationship. I have thought that my current relationship was among the healthiest....but I spend a lot of time alone...I don't mind "alone time"..mind you...but I have gone through serious bouts of feeling downright seriously lonely...flat...depressed lonely...and have battled with myself questioning how much of this is my fault and a result of my being an "unhealthy" person.....I worry that I am 35, and I am scared of being old and alone...It is hard for me to envision us living together. At first I thought it very possible...but now it seems less and less likely to happen..And I only see him a few nights a week...Which is less than I am used to..I drag him away from his gaming..and he has a full time job that is soon moving further away and will be a bigger tax on his time and energy....and then he has a very hard time stating the L word...and I have kinda badly needed the L word..I understand now that just because he can't say it does not mean he does not feel it....I try to nurture him as much as possible..and when I started the relationship, I really felt like I had fallen in love with him and I really admire him....but he is very much in his head..and gaming is ever super duper important....and there are still things about him that I cannot read..and I guess I must get used to not being able to read them..

My previous relationship of 2 years was with someone who had been my good friend prior to our dating for 2 years....I have missed him because he was one of my only friends, but he gave me a whole lot of hell while we were together and he is a terrible alcoholic...but I have missed the closeness of his friendship because friendships are hard to come by.....and he was kinda sorta my best friend....even though....he hurt my feelings a lot.....had terrible meltdowns..took me for granted and all this other stuff....

Before and during that (we were "poly" for a while) was my business partner who lied and cheated on me and destroyed my capability to trust him or feel intimate towards him...even though we are still business partners...The stability of our friendship ebbs and flows.....

can't list all the relationships....it makes me sad...I don't want to hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone....I reckon I am lucky to have a relationship...but the feeling of both being "in" and "not in" a relationship...has been taxing on me...hopefully I will grow from it...get used to it..appreciate it more as time goes on....but it has been rough...perhaps only because I am THAT needy....

not gonna list all the relationships...

How does one DEFINE a healthy relationship.....?

I am like a puppy dog with separation anxiety..the span of time between the times when i get to see him can seem terribly terribly long....I have my interests to occupy me, but he is never far from my thoughts...and yet so often far away...
At least he does not have screaming meltdowns where he almost wrecks the car and whatnot....

I guess that's when both partners feel that everything's more or less OK between each other. But yes its hard to define precisely. Sounds like your current relationship is more healthy than what you had before.

I'm sorry to read of your "separation anxiety" problems. I guess the only solutions to that are to either work on the dependency, or get more time together. I used to get really fraught when I couldn't be with my partner.....I've made a lot of progress but my current situation is just ridiculous - partner now living in London, we only see each other for a couple of days a month. I don't view that as healthy but apparently my partner does Wouldn't be so bad if we didn't take fidelity seriously, but we do, so it's very very lonely. I've got one or two male friends but I get on better with women......that gets pretty disturbing for me when I realise I'm relating to them better than I relate to my own partner. But even that only happens on a red-letter day.....mostly I'm just alone.