With the wrong person?

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I dont know if I can go on with no affection except 5 minute sex at 4 in the morning,,, no hugs,no eye contact and no intimacy.... I guess he dosen't even consider me a friend..... if a friend needed a hug, he would be the first person to give it... I just asked for a hug and he told me to f off.... God I need a friend right now...

Unfortunately I think you have your answer right there.

Oh s**t.....I didn't know it was THAT bad. I hope you find the strength to break away from it. Don't forget we're here for you, at least in the virtual world. Nobody should have to feel that lonely.
(sends virtual hug)

Yeah, it really sucks.... I keep asking him to move out, and he keeps saying he wants to make it work, but actions speak louder than words....

I have been over with him ever since I caught him texting his ex fling under a different name... to me that is emotional cheating, to be having a secret "friendship" with the person you were sleeping with before me.... so I guess I just lost the lust part then... that was a few months ago, and I have wanted him out ever since, but he gets mad and throws things around when I want to talk about things, so i feel totally trapped...

The ex flig has been over here because she is supposedly best friends with his sister, and I don't want her over here so that makes me a criminal etc... I can't stand stand this.... I really love his family and all of his friends, but I can't stand him as a BOYFRIEND.... I would be fine being just friends, I just want a real boyfriend......

I think at least if I could be single I would be able to have friends again... I was never lonley when I was single, but am lonley a good 80% of the time now...

Not because he isn't HERE... he is in the same house, but allways in a video game with our roommates, or himself, or something.... which is FINE, that if that is the way he is, that is the way he is..... but he shouldn't force me to stay with hime when he isn't into me at ALL....

Why would he even want to stay if he isn't into me? Makes nooooooo friggin sense!

Well...... here is the thing... when certain friends are around, he seems all ointo me... even shows affection, arm around me, holding hands...... when we are ALONE... nothin... nadda.... zip.... unless you count making a kissing sound in the air while staring at a computer screen... that is the extent.......enough that I feel guilty for feeling neglected, cause he says.... I ALLWAYS
make those kissing sounds from across the room....

He is a great guy to most, even to ME most of the time, but I need and desrve SOOOOO much more....thing is, it isn'teven anyones fault, it is just the WRONG recipe for a relationship I feel....

OP, I don't think you should be focusing on why he stays with you. The real question is why do you stay with him? I know you had high hopes for this relationship because you're both Aspie, but his behavior has disproved that Aspie/Aspie is all you need for a good partnership. He doesn't treat you well - and he could treat you well, because he knows how to front when your friends are around - he just chooses not to.

Give him til the end of the month to move out (or give him 30 days, whichever seems more reasonable). And start getting your life back. Good luck.

he just has no place to go, because he loves it here mainly.... My sons school is across the street, lease in my name etc, so he is the one who has to go... I think he just "acts" in between here and there to try to stay longer... I have asked him to leave a few times, but he says he has nowhere to go...

The kicker is, I KNOW he loves me.... he just is too lazy to put anything into the realtionship most of the time... I get maybe 10-20 minutes a day, sometimes less... before he moved in, it was 24/7 perfect relationship intimacy... he just got too comfortable.

I don't really want him to go either.... I just don't know what i am doing WRONG....

I feel like I lost my best friend... things were so great until he moved in....

do guys get distant sometimes for reasons we don't know???

Could this just be a "phase?"

I have to admit I have wanted out more than I have wanted back in...

Today he comes home after work.. sweet as pie again... it is confusing the heck outta me...

There is a trend among some Aspie guys: they are very good at the "pursuit" phase of a relationship. They'll shower a woman with attention, affection, romance, etc. Their behavior is totally geared toward getting the woman into the relationship. And when they've "won" her, their expectation is that life will go back to normal - what it was before she was around - only they'll have a kind of on-demand gf. (Meaning when they want you around, you'll be around.) I've read some theories about the root of this behavior....some people believe that a romantic partner becomes a sort of "special interest" to the man in pursuit. And like many special interests, interest is lost over time. Some people theorize it's just a fundamental lack of understanding of what being in a relationship is like.

So that may be an explanation for why he behaved so much better before he moved in. The reality is that he knows you're unhappy, and that he does just enough to keep his place in your home - but not enough to keep you happy. The ugly truth is that if a relationship is going to work in the long-term, both people have to be committed to making the effort to work through problems as they come up. Everything you've said about him so far indicates that he's not willing to do the work - and this is something you can't fix by yourself (no matter how hard you try).

Look, he does have a place to go - he can go back to his family. I know he's got his good points - but most people aren't all good or all evil. Unfortunately, your criteria for a partner isn't really that your partner isn't evil, right? It's that he treats you well, that he wants to spend time with you, that when you want a hug he doesn't tell you to f#ck off. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't thing this guy is LTR material.

I know.... you are right.....

The things holding ME on, are nothing to do with him either.... it is his family I am afraid to let go of.... they raised an Aspie, and are so understanding... first time I met people who looked at ME as the good guy, least weird one...lol.... their acceptance is really what sucked me in more than anything.

I think I need to find an Aspie support group or something, because for the first time in my life I felt accepted and not like some alien for doing a puzzle at the dinner table at christmas time..... Why would they bring out those cracker things at christmas anyways if you aren't supposed to play with the toys?? lol..

Another thing I realised is one of the biggest parts of the problem is Pot... at first he was broke so had no money to buy any.... now he smokes it 24/7, which is why he has no more attention span.... what a waiste of a good person...

I am not knocking pot smokers, but he lights up every hour at least.... no time to be "him" anymore..

Was your boyfriend on Steve Wilkos once by any chance?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJD7GMFBpW0[/youtube]

There's a difference between people who smoke recreationally and people who are addicts. Addiction adds another dimension to his issues, but nothing positive, I'm afraid.

I know it will be hard to let go of his family, and the way they accepted you. But it sounds to me like you really are a "good guy" - you just need to find someone who is also a good guy to be your partner. And you never know, you may be able to maintain a relationship with his family - they're probably well aware of his issues and how challenging it is to have a relationship with him. I'm sorry you have to go through this, hon. It's rough, but it won't last forever.

I've been suspecting myself of doing something like that for a long time. First time I've ever heard anybody else describe it though. But there have been complicating factors.....unresolved conflicts about MY right to attention, loyalty and love. Whatever else, it sure ain't deliberate. With experience I think I've begun to concile the romantic acquisition phase with the established relationship phase, i.e. I tend to look ahead these days, and think about how things might be when we no longer have the excitement of a new relationship, and I look at her personality and at mine, and what might help or hinder us. So if she's a special interest at the start, it's important that she stays that way.

Excuse me for going a little off-topic here. But thanks for posting the idea, it's a very important one.

Well, he actually appologised, and reverse his behavior last night...must have sensed me pulling away??

I hope it is genuine and he keeps it up.... only time will tell..... but not much more time.... I am a very forgiving person, but they say "bite me once, shame on you, bite me twice, shame on me"..... so we will see....we will see....

Hon, I think he'll keep doing the bare minimum required to stay in your house, and you'll keep pining away for the guy he was when you fell for him. I don't mean that harshly - I've been where you are - I completely understand the dilemma you're facing.

Since you have a young son, this bit of information might help you. My daughter has consistently been a motivating factor to make the best choices I can when it comes to men. When I know I'm in a relationship I shouldn't be in - but I'm dragging my feet about ending it - I ask myself if I want this man to be a role model for my daughter. Would I want my daughter to judge her future mates by his behavior? Would I want a partner to treat my daughter the way this guy treats me? Invariably, the answer to those questions are unequivocal "No's" - and I do what I know needs to be done. When you have self-esteem issues, it can be easier to make better decisions for someone else than for yourself (sad but true). Take care.

I have to say, the phrase "romantic acquisition phase" did kinda crack me up.

I think there's a lot of factors that could lead some Aspie men down this path. I think inexperience tends to be a big culprit - simply not having been in a relationship can leave an Aspie unprepared for the day-to-dayness that is such a huge part of relationships. I've heard plenty of men here say that they really do want a gf - but they want her when they want her. In a way, that's kind of an extreme expression of the desires of a lot of NT males: they wouldn't mind having a gf/wife around when it's convenient, and to be on their own when it's not.

I think there are definitely Aspie men who know that they don't want to live with a woman (or any other person), or who are not interested in seeing their partner every day. If they're not honest about that at the beginning of the relationship, I think that's a recipe for disaster and heartbreak.

I think it's even harder when the woman in your life is your special interest, and then you lose interest. That is an experience that is profoundly painful, and one she will never understand. I very much agree with your sentiment that a woman should remain a special interest. That is, quite honestly, what you'll be to her.

yup, you are right... been sitting here alone since 6am...he has been playing video games with his friends, driving them around, yadda yadda yadda..... I was NEVER alone when I was single..... now I am ALLWAYS alone....

I am just so afraid of the explosion when he leaves.... every time I have tried to break it iff so far it hasn't been pretty...

he has good qualities at times, but you are right, he does the bare minimum to stay in my house.... I deserve, and NEED much more....

not that is a bad person, just NOT the person I need to fullfill my needs..... geeze, not a person arond for me to fulfill their needs either.....

I was never lonley when I was single. I have never been as lonley as I am now....

Not his fault, or anything, just who he is is not who I want I guess.... I want a companion, not just someone who sleeps in my bed.

This is gonna be hard....