Signs of a GOOD relationship...

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I read this once, and I think it's true-
one sign is that you care about things that YOU don't really care about.

For instance, you smile if you read that X sports team won, not because you give two sh!ts about sports, but because your SO does,
or it becomes important to you to invest in art for your home, because it's your SO's passion.

I'd say not being jealous and giving each other space would be a sign of a healthy relationship...even if you love them...you have to spend time apart so when you are together it feels more special.

Then again I haven't experienced that....being with girls who made a relationship like a hide and seek game...

Some truth in that, I think.........as long as their interest isn't a threat or an affront to you (like being a golf widow), neutral material of interest to the partner becomes more interesting.

I met a couple who impressed me with the way they talked to each other.....one would say something, the other would contradict, the first would counter, and then the other would concede the point. I heard them do that both ways round.....it was like who was right didn't matter to them.

I think one thing is that you have to be interested in the SO's feelings, even when the SO doesn't know what they are.

I am dating a WoW player..I initially was so smitten with him that I tried to play World of Warcraft even though the game rakes havoc on certain parts of my brain that do not work very well, and I was so overwhelmingly behind in the game that there was no hope in my ever catching up, when I was too distracted by my own personal interests to even come close...and also just too busy....I watched Blizzcon with him pay-per-view and enjoyed it...I just like being in the house with him while he is playing on weekends during the day...but that hasn't happened lately...I like spending the daytime when we are both off..just near him..no matter what he happens to be doing...

Very well said Laz.



This is very important. I had a relationship with my ex where we just clicked. We'd enjoy each other's company, and we both felt the same way about eachother. You could say our feelings were symmetrical. I think this is why it worked so well. But what caused the us to break up was her unrealistic expectations, I simply could not meet them.



There are many people on WP including myself who are looking for exactly that. Not too many people in the neurotypical world who can relate to us. I can talk anyone's ear off when it comes to how AS has affected my life. I wish that the psychologist I go to would have me for more than an hour, because I can talk so much about the problems I have associated with AS.

Happiness.

Lack of suicide attempts.

Lack of breaking up every few weeks and getting together again the next fricking day even though he is clearly overwhelmed and in need of space romantically.

Not having to beg, manipulate and drive friends away... uh, that is to say, correct misunderstandings and protect him from TEH EVIL MEAN PEOPLE... to keep your partner around.

I'm in a wonderful relationship. I think the most important thing is that my wife and I are friends and can work as a team. We communicate well, we can decide on things together without egos getting in the way, we can split up tasks to get things done more efficiently.

Of course it took years of arguments to get there, but it was well worth it.

So you're not exactly the long-suffering Warcraft widow then. I can imagine it could be quite a happy situation with each partner doing their own special interest in a shared space. It always bothers me to have non-musical partners, because of the skill gap - I can let them into what I'm doing, but I have to let go of my dream of the personal result I wanted, and treat it as a totally different thing, more like a therapy exercise than what I'd call a serious music session. So in a way, nobody can share the music that's closest to my heart.

When my wife was living with me, she'd just go off and live a parallel life in her own room, where she'd seem to be doing a mixture of job-related work, televison and phoning her friends and family......I never really took to it, but I tolerated it because there just didn't seem any point trying to get her to do things any differently. I couldn't get into any of it myself, so I'd just get on with my own stuff. Your situation is probably very different to mine. I always wondered, if she really wanted to be my partner, why she didn't seem to want to spend much time with me. We'd kind of go out of synch with each other, she'd come downstairs and give me about 10 seconds to divert my attention onto her, and then she'd run back to her own space if I couldn't shift into the right "head space" in time. Kind of weird for somebody who knew about autism and the huge problem I had in shifting focus. So in our case the "parallel lives" thing was rather fraught and messy.

Anyway I'd best shut up.......why do I always end up turning positive things into negative? Thinking happy thoughts makes me feel better, but I seem able to focus on bad stuff indefinitely and not feel depressed.......maybe it's the feeling that at least the truth is getting out, or as the saying goes, it's better than bottling it.

No..I knew he was a Warcraft person when I signed up for him...His ex, who's relationship ended something of 4 years ago-ish....was the Warcraft widow...He started playing because her son had an account...and then got completely sucked into it...the relationship went under...and so on...he has tons of max level characters..and having a girlfriend has caused his "gaming" to suffer...so late lately we spend less time together so that he can game more...I think...Initially, I was gung-ho about it..and in my smitten-ness was determined not to make him compromise his special interests for my sake...I need to remind myself of that...

In earlier, more anxiety-ridden parts of the relationship I questioned to him (even openly)..as to whether he would be better off dating a female WoW player or someone more IT oriented...since I am so completely and very much the raggle taggle artist...and he is very IT oriented (I had an aptitude/interest in computers when I was young that just happened to be trumped by music/art and the fact that I seem to be somewhat congenitally predisposed to being a packrat/bohemian type...(but in the clinically awkward "little professor" phase of my youth, the only thing anyone could do with an annoying blob like me was plop me down in front of a computer to get me to keep from tactlessly yammering on and on about whatever my interest was at the time...(I could become very engaged in those 80's PC and sought them out wherever i could)...One thing we DO have in common...only it became his "life's path" and I went in different directions...since my family did not even OWN a PC till i was a senior in high school...and he first started getting into IT stuff as a kid...(just a couple of years older than me)

We are both ukulele players..we have that bond..he has challenged me into becoming a better ukulele player, because he is a better ukulele player/musician than me..he has schooled me in "pop culture" so I know about stuff which I would be oblivious to otherwise....running a venue for so many years has kept me in a "cultural" vacuum...I have not had cable in over a decade...I have not had a "normal" job in......ages now......

His life is more structured, but even though I am rigid in my own ways, and being surrounded by extreme chaos has been a source of insanity for me, and I have really enjoyed the "structure" and "sanity" of his existence....I still "am who I am".....and it is hard to escape that...

I have fretted over the notion that he is not so emotionally invested in me..and that I don't really fit very well into his life, and that the major pain for him were we to break up would actually be more a matter of personal pride....since I am the first girlfriend he's had in a long while...I have felt the sense that he is less appreciative of our differences than I have been...

So I'd say LOVING each other's differences...rather than just "tolerating" them would be a sign of a healthy relationship!!.....there I "fixed it"

Reading between your lines, I suspect that you're feeling brighter than you were before.

Back on topic at last But do you love those differences or do you just tolerate them?

Unicorns and rainbows coming out of the armpits.

I have LOVED him for his differences...but it has caused me pain, and I have fretted that he only tolerates mine......

I have been acquainted with "alternative relationship structures" and while it was a very hard adjustment to make, I understand them now, moreso than I ever could have had I not been in one....(somewhat out of necessity)....I have started imagining that it could be a solution to some of our problems....But as I was very hurt when confronted with the concept, never having been in one before....I fear presenting him with the idea....the implication being that I would continue to be able to love him for all the things I love him for, while not having to suffer for the things that I need but am not getting....were it permissable for me to get those things from other sources without hurting him...and I could be less of a drain on his time and energy and if there are things that he needs but is not getting from me...he could pursue those elements without guilt or humiliation...from other sources.....(concept of "fluid" relationships)....

sounds ok on paper but difficult irl

Spent brief time with him where it was mapped out in advance that a. it would be a brief time...b. no expectations of physical contact other than my giving him back rub while forcing him to listen to the soundtrack of one of my favorite movies this was after I took him on whirlwind bike ride and then bought him breakfast...and now he has the rest of the day to himself, and I feel relaxed...not sorrowful or anxious. I just need to adapt my expectations from him...I continue to adore him...but can't let myself get plowed under for it.

Heavy stone wheels of circular thought.......aren't they just? I don't get much of that any more but there was a time. It helped me to share my worries with other people, they tend to reassure me that my experiences aren't quite so insane as they feel, and they throw new lights onto what looked like futile circles. Not that it happens much. Done a bit of counselling too, that's cleared a few blocks. But the "not speaking up" thing still has me in its claws. It's a common Aspie thing of course. My first reaction is to rack my brains for some way of avoiding the challenge. Sometimes I quietly render the offending behaviour impossible, sometimes I just cave in, once in a while I'm feeling lucky and I'll actually challenge...sometimes I have to start quickly before the adrenalin kicks in too much. There's a real feeling of growth sometimes when I do that, but it doesn't seem to make it colossally easier next time. I think it's important to pursue assertiveness.


Yes I think that's one of the things that's plagued my current relationship, we seem to be black boxes to each other.



People are awkward like that, some of my ideas in relationships have been pretty damned fine, but I don't invest much without a field test these days.


The only time I wondered about using it myself was when a partner of mine was becoming scarily familiar with her ex, and by a weird coincidence I got a call from my ex out of the blue. But I just refused to see her, quite bluntly too. Then I just "put my foot down" with my partner, and still felt like a possessive jerk for doing so. So I sometimes wondered if I could have avoided that if I'd encouraged my ex and then said "you call your dogs off and I'll call mine off" - but using people as bargaining chips is a little out of my league.


If it were done to me I'd probably feel deeply scared and resentful. It wouldn't help anything.


Yes I share that legacy with my partner. It's been a bonding thing for us, I was able to empathise with her when she felt paranoid, and she's never worried me.....so something in me seems to have finally recognised that there are some people who don't cheat.


What games are they?


The loneliness of the faithful....I know it well. It's some time since I had enough contact, I function well but I still miss it. Now that it's chronic, the attraction to the local opposite sex can be hard to fight. But cheating won't put me right.


It'd be hard not to feel guilty then. You shouldn't of course, but you probably know that. I think it's usually more awkward when one ex gets a partner and the other doesn't. Probably one of the reasons I try to avoid exes is that I'd rather not see what happens when one of us finds the next fish


Depends on you and on him.....there's grounds for hope....the techtonic special interest plates have been known to shift. You won't know until you either get there or give up. If it were me I'd be tempted to set a deadline for review, but my heart might have its own ideas.


From what you've written, it seems hard to imagine that you're too needy for wanting more quality time with your bf than you're getting. It sounds like the needy feelings are stronger than they might be in most....I know I can get things like that even these days, and I hate myself for being so emotionally vulnerable. I'm surprised your generosity with attention for him doesn't make him gravitate towards you more...if it's the right kind of attention. Maybe you've made yourself invisible by putting all the attention onto him, so he's not in the habit of finding out more about you? Do youi volunteer stuff about yourself to him?


The piecemeal listening history....that could describe my entire life. There's decades of mainstream music I completely missed.



Again, I think anybody would feel hurt about that. Sometimes people don't want a couple in the gang because of the power problems it can cause. Why would the band member be biased in their judgement of his emotional investement in you?


Sounds like you were initially very scared of doing anything to put him off, and you're beginning to relax and remove some of the paranoid measures. I'm not unlike that, I guess it's down to insecurity


Sounds like the intensity of your feelings about the relationship could be scaring him. Just a guess. It might help to phrase it more lightly, like "are you happy with things?"


Well, intense, like I said. Smothersome is in the eye of the smothered.


It's a scary thought, popping a question like that. But I suppose it's fair enough if you aren't getting anything like as much warmth as you feel you need from him. Sounds like one of those "if all else fails" things....if you have to use it at all, I'd say soften the blow with something about "I'd much rather it was you, but I can't get you to give me what I need."