First Relationship and I’m having troubles.

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I figure if I have any chance of financial freedom and indipendence from the oppressive social security system I really have to get into the study of college like I did with a college prepratory private school I went to once. I'm not allowed to save money, invest or plan for the future reasonably. So I have allot of changes and stress going on, the odds are against me but I like the under-dog mentality. Just not the overwhelmed mentality.

sc

I actually studied harder at Uni when I had a boyfriend, to compensate for the distraction (which continued for me in my head even when he wasn't with me). Consequently, I actually did better than I usually did when I didn't put so much effort in.

But my boyfriends didn't phone me all day every day.

I just got off the phone with her again, most of the day I am on the phone with her on and off. I told her that when I am at school I will need to study and there will be times I will have to say I can't talk right now. She seemed sad and made a comment about "if we stay together". Also she tells me sometimes she does not know if she is bugging me. I'm hot looking to her, cute and all that.

Obviously I am mixed with telling her what's on my mind, having a g/f is good, but I can't really make up my mind. It has allot to do with sexual pathologies ingrained in ones psyche. Yet for instance if she was to pass away from let's say a car accident I would be sad. As for love, I think that is complicated and wonder about what that is somewhat often.

I just do not feel entirely of feeling for her, yet wonder if this is my only option. Nor do I imagine I can be of feeling such as love for another person entirely, I am not sure.

I will be taking English first, both English and math are hard for me. My area of gift or high intellect is abstract reasoning and conceptualization which can do well with some theoretics, philosophy and law. Perhaps other areas but I have yet to explore other then the small social science text book library I have here.

Pre-Law is at the state university here, I'm told the study of law is hard.

I'm wondering what field works best with my brain.

Also my G/F does not seem intelectual, so conversation seems limited.

The reason I bring up love to is, she always seys that to me. Then I am expected to say the same thing, which I do. So I question myself with this.

Should I say it if I don't even really feel it. Or is it that I do and it has to do with the sustainment of sexual activities mutually.

sc

It is pretty common for a guy to say to a girl "I love you", in order to get sex. However it isn't very nice. She probably reads a lot more into it than you do. Like "Love" is forever. Since you've started saying it, you might as well keep saying it. If you don't she will see it as a sign you don't love her any more and she is bugging you too much. She seems so clingy though I'm not sure she will dump you. She will just get more and more clingy until you can't stand it and dump her.

I think it is pretty important to start setting boundaries one step at a time now. If she finds you "hot", other girls will too - some girls throw themselves at hot guys. Many girls will do anything you want just because you are "hot". So I think you could take a risk and set some boundaries. Like only phone at lunch time. Once you've won that battle, then start on the next thing.

Love is quite a difficult word to define. I mainly define it in terms of loss. If that person left or died, would you feel like you'd lost a big piece of you, like your arm or leg. And I also define it in terms of what you want for the person. Do you want the best for them even if it hurts you? And then there is the romantic love which must involve a component of sexual attraction and lust as well as the other things. For me, the wholeness of love is not something I can feel about a person instantly. I can feel lust (strong physical attraction) instantly but not love - because that has a lot more to do with a person's mind and how they think - for me.

Watch out for the manipulation of love. If she starts saying things like "if you love me you would do this for me" consider running for your life, especially if complying makes you feel miserable. At the same time do listen to her if she says "I feel loved and valued when you do this for me". It's just a little bit different. She's telling you about how she feels, she's not telling you how you should feel.

It's really important you let her know what she does that makes you feel good, and as nicely as you can, let her know what she does that makes you feel uncomfortable, and offer a substitute behaviour - ie something she can do instead.

However this works out, you can learn a lot about communicating your own needs and feelings with a girlfriend and getting her to communicate about what she needs and feels. The more you learn and the more practice you get, hopefully the more comfortable you will get and the more skillful. Possibly the worst thing you can do is hide everything and shut her out completely because that doesn't give her a chance to understand you at all.

I'm on the phone with her now, she always calls. It's like I start a project and can never finish it. I'm getting a break in a few days and she will be gone for a week.

I don't think I say love to get sex, if I ask for that I get it. Yet, I thought today to tell her let's not have sex anymore and go a bit slower. She understands now that school will take allot of my time and that I am a perfectionist with it and only like A's.

I can focus on school allot, I won't approach other girls, even if I do not stay with her, usually they approach me and I decline.

I question the meaning of love, beyond subcouncious sexual desire.

Last edited by sc on 31 Jul 2006, 11:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm now off the phone with her.

It gets so boring talking to her unless in person, but in person I can't do much of anything else. It’s just that I never really had anyone around me like this before. I figured such things were too complicated. In fact they are not complicated, rather intrusive in some respects to my solitude and focus.

I do not dislike her and I could not say I do not care for her. It's just the change in my life, like any other change beyond a micro variation is not usually welcome. I cannot help that, but perhaps if I had my solitude and time to myself regularly without interruption her existence in my life would be more pleasing.

I cannot really determine this conclusively without feeling poorly of myself with regard to her.

The reason I thought today about not having sex anymore was until I figured out love and if I truly loved her. It did not seem right to desire such and not genuinely desire her presents and constant existence while I ponder my ability to sustain her persistence. Though, I am sort of puzzled at myself with all of this.

I started saying love to her because she said it to me, If I did not say it, then it wouldn’t seem right.

To slow down and meet up once or a few times a week would likely be helpful to my figuring this all out. I just don’t want to cause emotional troubles for her, though if she was to no longer be in my life I do not think I would be sad. Yet this is true with everyone I know. Well in acception to if a family member past away.

Edit:

Although, she unlike many others I tolerate more. In fact when I have nothing else major to do, spending time with her is fun. It's just that this is to much of a change. I do not know how to reasonably resolve this without making her feel rejected somehow.

I ponder that prior, my mind was less complexed with such things. She is very nice, this is a delema.

Last edited by sc on 01 Aug 2006, 12:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

G'day SC

Got no advice for you (I suck at this stuff). Just want to say, don't get too stressed.

When she says she loves you, you could (joke - from the movie Alfie) say. "thanks babe".

Hope it works out.

I am stressing over school, her and my ability to transcend into my mind freely with gardening. By the way, in a few days I will be posting a few pictures of my prized bulbs that have been pampered.

I hit the submit button just as I thought of something else.

I'm not very religous (but am Christian) and have always been impressed with these words (paraphrased for this situation).

If it is God's will that you split up, I hope He makes it impossible for you to continue in the relationship. If it is His will you stay together, I hope He makes the way clear for you.

Cheers

Ian (my real name)

I think I got that quote wrong.

It supposed to be I hope God lets you see the way clear.

Anyway, you know what I mean

Cheers

Howdy-do-dee.

I starting thinking about what God is and all that. Such complexities...

Right at the moment you are about to understand the complexities of the
universe........Ring! Ring! Ring!

SC: Hello
Sweetie: Hey sugar what you doing.
SC: Ah ah ah noithing.
Sweetie: I can not decide if I want blue coconut snowcone or a can of rootbeer?
SC:Root Beer sounds okay.
Sweetie: Cool Thats what I wanted. I Love you.
SC: I love you to.
Sweetie: I love you more.
Sweetie: Oh got run my boss is back, luv you
SC: Okay bye
Sweetie: I luv you
SC: I love you.
---------
hangs phone up
Now what was I even thinking about. Oh yeah faking my own death and moving
out of the country.

Laugh Snort

Be interested to see your pics.

hope everything is good