So I meet someone on a dating site...

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Well technically he's not with this american girl , but there is something there between them past and present. He's saving up to spend a month with her in THE HOPES that something might happen. Not out to two-time, but he's certainly emotionally unavailable/not looking for a relationship and has been that way all along. I feel like I've wasted a whole bunch of time and effort Why did he even message me? Why does he even have an OKC account for that matter?

I dunno, I'm just really pissed off. Am I right to be?

It was all on his Livejournal. I kinda feel like a creep, but when something smells off about someone I reserve the right to track down the odour.

yes, i think you have all the right in the world to be pissed off. it's ridiculous that he didn't tell you about it in 6 months of messaging. perhaps he was keeping you in reserve in case he didn't get anything going with her?

good for you for checking him out. i have done soemthing similar before, and i would advise everyone (female and male) to do the same - just for reasons of safety it seems logical to do some searching and digging.

seriously, that was so low. kind of stringing you along.

Well, I ended up confronting him about it via SMS. I think I managed to keep my cool. I told him to at least change his OKC profile. Me thinks he was just careless and not intentionally out to deceive.

He confirmed the girl in America is his ex. He's apparently in therapy or something due to their relationship or it's breakdown.

Now I'm having the strangest sense of deja vu . "History never repeats, I tell myself before I go to sleep...."

Last edited by blue_bean on 26 May 2011, 7:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

oh no, you have experienced something like this before? is there something on the inside that draws you to men who will turn out to be emotionally unavailable?

well done, with speaking up to him. that takes guts and i don't know if i would have been able to bring myself to do that.

I've been in a situation where most aspects were very similar, yes (guy had ex gf overseas, still hadn't sorted through their s**t, long story). Just for once I'd like to be that long-running on and off gf who spends 12 months sorting through s**t, but guys like this are all that are out there I think. Seriously, they end a long term relationship and join a dating site the next day, pile of crap from said relationship still steaming and warm. They're even more annoying than the sleazebags .

I dunno, probably. Y'know I've never really thought about it. I do have some borderline tendancies.

My moral objection was too strong to ignore . I've probably made him confront himself emotionally about all this though.

Update number 2.

He's sent me all of two emails to me when I've tried to talk to him about it since my last update, TWO. Anyway, apparently he's had a real s**t time lately on top of the work he is doing (was in a car accident, docs kept him in hospital because they thought it was a suicide attempt). He's apparently had his boss, freinds, housemates all putting pressure on him and he socially shut down and didn't want to talk to me. He says he felt guilty and avoided me whenever I messaged him. I did lots of stupid s**t in order to get him to respond to me calling him out not knowing he was having a hard time. I sent him some angry SMS's tonight and he finally gave a proper response.

Apparently him and his ex gf have hardly talked since their breakup so I dunno what he was thinking making some fairytale trip overseas to see her. He says he was willing to throw the trip away if he met someone new.

Oh I dunno!!

Stay away from s**t.

He denies that he wasted my time, as he says he was in fact looking for a relationship. My main beef with him over the last few weeks was that he was looking for a relationship while still "dedicating" himself to his ex (high potential for the new gf to be put in second place behind the ex, which would be a big no-no and extremely hurtful to the new gf. I mean, imagine how you'd feel if you had a bf who had no time for you cause he was working and busy saving to see another woman overseas?). I dunno, he said he wanted to go overseas and spend a month with her in order to make it up to her for the bad breakup, but he still hasn't told me what exactly that entails. I just think he had pretty whacked priorites if he wanted to work all these hour and save up all this money in order to fix past mistakes like that. Wouldn't it be better to move on, find someone new, and remedy past mistakes by promising yourself not to repeat them? It'd cost less money!!
He now says he is willing to throw away his trip overseas altogether for the sake of someone new. But after all this he won't be looking in my direction anymore, I can tell you that (blue_bean's BPD ruins things again).

And the underlying reason of why I bumped this thread is because he'll probably find it one day (if his google-fu is as good as mine), so I had to post some rebuttals.
I don't think he's a jerk, just a guy who is down on himself and feels an overwhelming urge to fix all his wrongdoings to make himself feel better. He's so focused on pleasing everyone that he ends up not pleasing everyone, if that makes sense. Not jerk. Bafoon.

It sounds like he has his priorities completely out of whack. You deserve way better than that.

i disagree, i still think he is a jerk. i think he is looking to keep one girl in reserve while he works on the other one. if you think about it logically, there is NOTHING he can accomplish by staying a month with his ex in terms of making up for a bad breakup.

if he felt really bad about the breakup he could for example... write a heartfelt letter? great idea. send flowers? that could work. buy her a new kittycat? for sure. send a mariachi band to sing a song? good plan. even an overnight trip to apologize in person? super! but a... whole... month... overseas... sounds like a trip to patch things up and get back together. how many apologies does he need to make, that it would take a whole month to do it? and he never even told you until you confronted him.

the idea that he would *only* throw away the trip if he found someone better smack of you being his backup plan, or his ex being his backup plan. keeping people in reserve is not a way to treat them the way they deserve.

here's a bit of bluntness, keeping in mind that it is only my opinion - if he was ready to move on for his ex it would have already happened. instead, he dragged it on and on and kept everything in neutral without moving forward. then when you confronted him he essentially cut off contact. at the very least, he sounds extremely unsuited to someone kindhearted and thoughtful like you.

basically, this exactly what Tim_Tex and The_Face_of_Boo just said, but wordier.

p.s. are you sure you have BPD? i was misdiagnosed with that prior to my official AS diagnosis, and i have now been officially un-diagnosed. i don't know you in real life, but you don't come across as BPD, AT ALL.

I know. AFAIK his ex doesn't even know he's coming because they aren't really on speaking terms. I don't know what she'd do when she found out, if maybe she still has unresolved feelings for him or if she would slam the door in his face when he arrives on her doorstep. I don't know what her position is on this. But yes, a month seems an awfully long time to plan spending with her, even weirder that there's possibility he's unwelcome. I was originally under the assumption they were still close friends with unresolved feelings for each other, and that she'd encouraged (or guilt tripped) him to fly overseas and stay with her, but apparently that's not so. When he had the car accident he claims he had, he said his phone's battery had gone dead. He says he feels guilty for ignoring me after confronting him, but he remedied that by ignoring me even more.

His plans with his ex were already steadfast when he met me, I mean super duper set in stone. At about the time I met him he was quitting uni and following up a job offer a friend gave him. That's the job that ended up taking all his spare time weeks later. He said he didn't predict he'd have that many hours. So zero spare time to spend fluffing up his "reserve girl"; he made his choice of girl and committed to it 100% before he even met me! He said he joined OKC to find someone and convince himself he's capable of caring for someone again. Safe to say he's failed that mission, I don't feel very cared for.

I don't like the idea of being a reserve girl, or the second best choice on offer. I don't want to be the disposable third character in other people's love epics. Why would he think any girl would want to be? He's not exactly the catch worth waiting or fighting for. I told him all of this in the emails he didn't respond to. If he can't give me anything other than these things he IS a waste of time. He should be visiting me and making it up to me for a month, or even a day. But I don't even get an explanatory email. Why can't I meet someone who is free and open and genuinely willing to meet someone new? Someone to be into me and wait in anticipation to hear from me every day? It's not fair that I have to hound guys like this in order to get them to merely remember I exist

Sorry for the tears but blue_bean is very sad about this

No I'm not entirely sure. Just lots of things that have happened over the last 18 months that hint that I have it. Stuff that happened here and elsewhere.
I always think people stop caring for me and I act on it (anger, doing something hurtful), then the aftermath of that is that their care is REALLY gone, then....desperate measures (either hurting myself or threatening to do so).

(((((hugs))))) i am sorry if i was too harsh or anything, by the way. do you have any idea that so many men even here on the site would just be so honoured to date you? not suggesting anything at all, just wanted to point out you never need to be anyone's second choice.

no need to apologize for crying - it is a sh***y situation that you DID NOT deserve to be stuck in, and you got some bad treatment.

it's pretty awesome for you to confront the idea of BPD head-on. if you think it is possible, there are lots of great treatment programs that can help. i did some group therapy after i had that diagnosis, which helped a lot. there were other misdiagnosed aspies, and people with depression and such, and the treatment helped each of us.

I agree with hyperlexian here.

You don't have this "drama queen" tone in your posts. But then again I can't really judge much online. Some people here may suspect I have NPD, but that's only because several "positive traits" tend to be hidden online while negative ones tend to show more.

Usually if I stay away from having interpersonal relations I'm fine and rational, but you weren't here 12 months ago to see what I was like then.

I'm hardly a drama queen around random strangers. When it comes to people I'm emotionally involved with the boat tends to get rocked quite a bit, but then half of it is the other person too.

Maybe it's safe to make a thread soon and get it all out (the people from last year left WP).

Heyas blue_bean,

It's unfortunate that someone else's BS ended up splattering over you like this. It's certainly rightful to feel upset, frustrated and regretful given the time this fella's burnt up.

It doesn't really sound like you're in a position to help with his current personal issues, and he's very certainly done you a bad turn. You certainly sound like you have a better idea of what you want than the fella does for what he wants. And that fella is (presumably) an adult who's responsible for and to himself. So as much as it may feel like kicking a puppy, you're under no obligation (in my opinion) to take on any of his problems for him in any capacity. You certainly can't solve his relationship problems with his ex for him.