Hate to get this topic back on track but I have in the past really worried about dying alone (which isn't about 'dying alone' so much as its the idea of living from here on out 40, 50, 60, with no one who really *knows* me, watch me grow and change with them, shared my intimate life experiences, I used to really feel a need for that).
Where things stand right now with my thoughts on it - just by seeing the way relationships are, the way most of them end up, the kind of person you have to be in order to be in most relationships, and I see where the kind of thing that would really make me happy in a relationship (the kind of friendship and deep connection) is probably more than a little unrealistic in the real world and that's all aside from the AS aspect. I know there's two sides of a relationship but what what I think would kill the happiness in it for me is that the opposite sex really demands a lot of conformity, a lot of times its about having a cute suburban house with an SUV and kids, it's about going to church (even if you aren't christian - its just part of the conformist ritual) and having the Jones's and their kids over for barbeques after soccer practice, going to PTA meetings, and oh yeah - whatever your career is you'd want to be the spitting image of that professions stereotype if you want to do well. If you just aren't wired right to be a Joe Typical (even if your still managing to be a good dad but just aren't being the right kind of Buford Stephlarie societal stereotyped image of what a dad or husband is, how he dresses, how he acts, etc.) its a pretty f'd up problem. That and not fighting enough is bad, its hard to keep your partner's respect if your the kind of person who just wants to talk things out, take care of the relationship problems, etc. - probably because metacommunication (talking about those things directly) isn't smiled apon and sadly wanting to work through things and not giving her enough scrap just for the sake of it crushes the quality of the relationship and will likely send her off cheating if again she doesn't pass you the divorce papers.
Thats why I realize that if I don't find someone who's enough like me to understand with me and be on page with me herself without having to try then its probably just not going to work. From looking around here, other aspie boards, etc. I get the impression I'd probably have a better connection with an NT (it would be nice to find an aspie I can connect with but that's getting impossibly rare) and she'd still have to be very atypical in her own way, strange enough to actually see a guy like myself and not sit there thinking "He's cool but he's....ehh.... I could do way better I'm sure...". I've met girls who I thought would be great for me and vice a versa all the time but the trouble is, there's lots of other guys out there just like me who don't have AS, are a lot more entertaining to em, and of course the problem with looking at NT's is that while you can get along well enough to pass or even create a bit of attraction you're never going to be able to connect with them as well, make them laugh as often, get them on the same page psychologically, or do as much as another NT could just because they have to try harder usually to understand you and again, having to try with communication is something most people just don't do. I figure if I was killing myself to conform and just about frying my brain everyday to make it happen a). I've already tried that and it only has so much mileage but also b). even if I got what I wanted, got the relationship, etc. I'd hate it. It would be way more pain and stress than anything, if I was *really* conforming I'd hate the guy I was acting like and in turn hate myself, and in that case being a have-not is still being better than a have just because, I'm not putting myself through some kind of personal hell - I'm being me, living life, and finding some semblance of happiness sometimes.
17 Aug 2006, 1:30 am
For more info, see "Obsessions that lead to a broken heart".
