Interesting discovery on facebook!

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yeah, it definitely is situationally specific. the advice doesn't apply to people have no problems getting dates. for people who are struggling with meeting the opposite sex, it pays to expand the horizons.

I know an aspie at work (me, I'm undercover... they all think I'm just a nutcase!) who has constantly struggled to find dates. His two major partners so far have turned out to be either mentally disturbed or simply using him. He says he wants to find someone who'll take him as he is, but I can't see it happening - he's overweight (and still a picky eater), he has particularly uncool hobbies and interests, he's overly chatty and doesn't realise when he's boring people, but most troubling is that he's very opinionated and cannot understand that another viewpoint may be more accurate, or at least as valid.

This guy is never going to be happily married.

The point is, being yourself and finding someone who likes you for who you are is all very touching but it's also all a big pile of horse manure. If I'd stayed the same person I was when I was younger I'd be alone and miserable. I had to change. Some things remain the same, but we're a lot stronger than we think and much of the negative crap that's just "who we are"... doesn't have to be.

If you believe you will fail, you will. This goes for pretty much everything and even more for dating because the other person can pick up on the self defeating attitude, and a self defeating attitude is not attractive.

My father was an aspie. I'm the youngest of 6 kids, so you know he was getting some. He had 3 wives, that lasted 15yrs, 2yrs, and 20years. All 6 kids are happily married with no divorces. 3 of his 6 kids are aspies. My oldest sister aspie was happily married for ~15 years before being widowed, has 1 child. My youngest sister, most severe is nearly a nonverbal autistic, has been married for over 20 years with 2 kids. I've been happily married for 18 years with 2.5 kids.

We came from a large family. Getting married and having children was expected. We all did before we were told we had aspergers.

It's amazing to me how much what you are told and what is expected from you effects you for the rest of your life.

I said that at one point, and then I ended up with my ex girlfriend. Sometimes it takes some suicide dive bombing mentality when it comes to dating, knowing that rejection will happen. You have to take the chance. Hell, I FB chatted with a girl I sort of know from school. Heck, at least she called me by my proper nickname (Sasha) instead of the name that people just assume call me (Alexander).

I don't usually post my Facebook URL, but I make it somewhat clear that Sasha is my nickname. If not, I'm doing something wrong.

My Facebook page

But back to the topic. I've had some strategies for fighting Aspie dating blues. Be active! Hang out with your friends, get involved in your community (I guess you could say that WP is a start).



If your story is true (and somehow I believe you), your family has beat the odds overwhelmingly.

My opinion on the matter is that we aspies have to work harder than normal people by:

*Watching NT's
*Mimicking NT's action's, reaction's
*Reading about aspie problems
*Figuring out our own precise problems
*Fixing our problems
*Having hope
*Getting out there

I have done all of these aside from the last one, but I am going to get out there in college soon!! !

Let's compare notes:

Getting out there-check
Having hope-check
Reading about Aspie problems-check

Kinda similar, even though your list is more detailed.

Haha, ok we have the same ideas

That just means that great minds think alike

The only thing that is different is reading about aspie problems and actually fixing them

There is a big gap there

Oh, and there is something to be said that some people are just shy, unconfident, etc....and then have aspie problems

So, in total, being hopeful about change is different than making changes.

That I neglected to mention, but also very important. I have a few books on autism self-help at home.

Yea, I don't have any books about AS , but i have found numerous artcicles online , plus I found this dating book online that is the coolest thing ...see, I'm a bit of a cheapo that way that I like finding free stuff online

To be fair, even NTs have to do the first two. They just pick it up instinctively, while we have to work at it. This has the advantage for me that I get on well with pretty much anyone because I've studied it. NTs often don't get on with some people without really knowing why.

Aspie problems - I have loads. I've managed to find coping strategies for them. I can't really "fix" them, but my social stamina is much higher after long-term exposure. I can usually last a long time now without needing a break, unless I get too much stress at once.

The turning point for me was when I about sixteen and I decided it was high time I did something about it all. If I ever wanted to have sex, I'd first need to get used to being touched. I started trying new foods (I still do this!) and went from a very fussy eater to someone with much broader tastes than my NT partner. I discovered music was more than just pretty background noise. And I started to realise that this is my life and I'm not dependent on being told what to do. Oh, and that most of what I was learning in school is completely pointless. If I'd studied harder I would have done better, but I did well enough and I learned a ton of useful stuff about making friends and general living. I think that's been far more important.

If you feel the dating scene would be impossible for you; you could look into the mail-order bride thing. I think that would be the best most logical choice for those of us who have extremely bad social problems

Jamesy, why do you keep assuming that people know what they're talking about?

i don't assume that it was just quite shocking what that person said on facebook.

WHY are social skills so god damn important anyway


what is more important is being a nice and caring person more than being a social master.

What should be important is being a nice/caring person....

However a lot of the times you have to make a good first impression so that a female may consider dating you.
There are several ways of making a good first impression and not having social skills doesnt have to mean that your dating life is over. I suck at socializing, like I can barely handle doing some sort of small talk with a girl Ive just been introduced to (and thats if Im lucky).

I had the same problem at school and my advice would be trying to focus on your strength points when you are meeting someone instead of in how awfull you are at socializing.
For example: When I was 13 most of my class mates couldnt stand being near me. I was a considered to be a: snob, a jerk, immature, the list could go on.
I spent sometime trying to work on the aspects I could improve and I can get along fine right now with most people, even though my social skills are still suckish.

I made an attempt to figure what made me come accross as snobbish(the clothing, the way I refused to make an attempt to talk to them most of the times...) and I got rid of most of this stuff. It wasnt easy(several years/failed attempts of trying to find something that didnt look like I was trying to hard to fit in) and most of my classmates refused to talk to me after I started attempting to talk to them, but eventually they noticed the change.

Thanks to this some of my class mates started mentioning that they thought that I was pretty funny which has "saved my life" on several of the awkward meeting someone for the first time situations.

Just so you have an idea last time I was at a party with my class mates I was approached by a group of several good looking females because they had heard that I was pretty funny(I had seen them a couple of times around campus so we probably had some friends in common or something).
I refused to talk to them any longer after saying that I was the one they were looking for(have had a couple similar experiences ending badly in the past) but they cornered me when I was trying to get away so I said fine I´d tell a joke after one of you has told one. So one of them just cracked the first joke that went into her mind. After several minutes of thinking of a propper joke(have had too much to drink) I told the same joke she just told, and you know what?, they just laughed at it and they kept attempting to get to know each other better for a while.

When they were going one of them asked if I got nervous around beautiful girls, I jokingly replied that I tend to get anxious around most people and they shouldnt take it personally, the following day at class I realized that one of this girls was from my class and she told me that she had a great time the night before

Why did I have success because I was focusing on being funny which is my strength point/had worked on making the weak points less noticeable and you need to find your own strength points/work on your weak points if you want to get somewhere on the dating scene

And let me guess spondgy women do not have to make a good first impression with social skills so a man would consider dating them

he just gave you a massive quantity of good advice, and your response is to turn it into a woman vs. man debate? well, your attitude speaks volumes.