There's a fundamental missing element...

Post Reply New Topic

There is nothing like humor to break awkwardness. Even if I'm giving off the wrong vibe I can often turn things that way. AS types are often too quiet. This gives another person's imagination free reign to invent you and if they already have a negative first impression for whatever reason, they'll often create a caricature in their minds.

Just remember that they can't mind read. You are giving off something negative and they are running with it. Find a way to turn it.

Perhaps because the women who are taken you know there isn't much of a possibility you ease up more?

Aspie men are way down the list for NT females.

Next

I just have to give you props for going to those kinds of events. My sister got married 5 years ago and I was so thankful that, barring a horrible family tragedy, I'll never be obligated to go to another wedding. They're sooooooooooo depressing.

Reviving this thread because i have a wedding to attend this saturday, and I was thinking.... after years of attempts and getting this same reaction, maybe it's best to just sit aside this time?

You're starting to cultivate wisdom. Just had to attend another wedding recently. Sit aside this time, it is more refreshing than anybody would let you think.

I think it's a bundle of small things that can be lumped into the "charm" element.
Dance with girls you like only (interest). Engage in chitchat (small talk). Unfortunately as well as small talk some body language signals as well (eye contact, smiling, sense of enjoyment, slight touching depending on the dances but NOT groping! ). And also, optional ingredient - liquid courage..just don't overdo this one. Many make the mistake of having too much and getting brave, only to scare off girls by being stupid, alcohol smelling, incoherent and intolerable.

Sounds like I'm asking you to be NT, and I don't blame you for thinking that. It does sound very much like that. All I can suggest is finding ways to do cope doing this momentarily for the sake of the dancing and any conversation and "stuff" that results from it. Maybe if you dance with girls you have a better rapport with to begin with before moving on to new girls on the dancefloor. Might boost your confidence a little and you might do those above things subconsciously rather than making a conscious effort

I usually just do that and wait for someone to start bugging me about it(about 6 out of 10 males that are dancing dont really like to dance and they start approaching males to help them out/take their partner dancing after a couple of songs and the fact that you are doing them a favour makes them look at you differently).
If you go by this approach and you dont want anyone bugging you about not dancing: bring some sort of camera along and start taking pictures of everyone as if you were just recording the whole thing.Done that a couple of times, the only people that bug you will just want to give you their email and make sure you send them a copy(Learnt this from a female friend that refuses to dance )


Either that or wait for a while and approach some lonely girl thats sitting by which usually works if theres a female sitting by(as I said guys arent much of dancers).
Just approach a female thats sitting and ask her why she isnt dancing. If she doesnt say something like dancing sucks or I have this medical condition that stops me from dancing reply with something like tell you what Im gonna take you out on the next song so you can show off your skills to everyone else in the room(something that implies dancing but doesnt sound too serious).

umm....I think I did all those?

I am more inclined to do the spongy's way this time.

I went to a wedding in Hawaii recently. I just hung out in a different area during most of the dancing then came over and took a few photos of it after a little while. At another wedding I went to years ago I just sat at a table off to the side and sipped champagne during the dancing part. A number of other people were sitting there too.

Everyone has different approaches that works for them, and while the above probably works for me I'd say spongy's way will probably work better for you

Here's what I think, Boo. Take it or leave it.

A wedding reception is very much an on-display event for single women. A single woman is scrutinized every moment, her grooming, her clothing, who she talks to, who approaches her, how she behaves, is she drinking too much, etc. Notwithstanding the cultural practice of all the singles dancing in a large group, if it looks as though you're monopolizing one single woman and she's not into you, she doesn't want to appear as though she's "taken", so men she's into will be more likely to approach her. That could explain them distancing themselves from you. It's totally uncool, but I think that's what's going on here. This is why taken and married women have no problem with you dancing with them, there's no element of "need to be available so dudes I'm into will approach me".

This is not just weddings, either, I saw this all through junior high and high school, too. {My college was single-sex and didn't have dances.}

Funny, Ive noticed very similar things. Ive just thought to it as taken girls not bothering being so defensiveand might actually want to have fun with me while single girls dont want to be seen near me as I apparently ruin their possibilities (because obviously if they dont want to be seen with me they must not like me)

I'd like to honestly address "creepy vibes." I got to know my Aspie only in close, one-on-one interactions. The many years I have known him, I have never been in a social situation with him. I always sensed something "different," but not creepy, exactly. Hesitation. Uncertainty. Low self-confidence. That "missing element." His actions and speech sometimes seemed rehearsed, like he was acting out a memorized script. Too perfect, too smooth, too flawless. But I loved him before I really knew him, and I understand where all that comes from now.

Still. Not too long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant. I hadn't seen him in a while. He told me he'd had a recent job interview, which didn't go very well. He explained that the interviewer was female, and he almost never makes a good impression on women. He's professionally very successful, so initially that puzzled me. He's also handsome, which can sway women as much as men often favor attractive women. I figured he'd be a shoe-in, if only for the opportunity to covertly ogle him all day!

I asked him to describe the conversation, and mentally face-palmed as I listened. For the first time, I saw him as strangers might see him, and picked up on that "creep" vibe. If I didn't know him, he would have struck me as creepy. That was just my "sense" as he talked. It's something intangible and hard to describe. On top of that weird vibe, his responses had focused on how the job would benefit him - not how being on the payroll would benefit the employer.

After listening for just 2 or 3 minutes, I knew he wouldn't get the job, and why. Combined with that nebulous "creep" factor, and his well-groomed, handsome appearance, he would have come across as self-absorbed, and used to getting his way. An arrogant prick. He absolutely isn't, and he works like a robot. Any employer more than gets their money's worth out of him. But in brief social interactions like that, you only get once chance to make a good impression.

NT women (and to an extent, NT men) have an "intuition" or a "spidey sense" about people - but the conclusions they draw from it are often completely wrong when it comes to Aspies. If he asked me how to correct that "creepy vibe," I'm not sure what I would suggest, other than maybe to practice more with a female colleague. (I'd be more than happy to coach him, but it's harder to notice intangibles like that, when you know someone so well). Similarly, perhaps you could try practicing with someone who is under strict orders to be totally honest and offer helpful suggestions?

No, this isn't my case and i'll explain why. I don't have this problem at all.

I don't want to boast, but I have always done very well in job interviews, about 7 months ago I got like 3 job interviews and I got into the final phases of ALL THREE (usually there's a first interview, a 2nd interview ...a 3rd). For the hottest vacancy, I got like 5 interviews: The first with the HR manager (the CEO's wife lol), the second with the HR manager again, the third was an oral presentation with the head of department, the fourth was more like a meeting with other parties, the fifth was a brief interview with the CEO - I was accepted.
(however my current employer offered a better offer so i remained in the same workplace, a decision that i regret now but this is another story).

The second vacancy was related to software sales, the interviewer was female (the HR director), a strong lady in her 40s, and she was like the harshest interviewer I have ever met in my life, she asked me about every single word in my resume like why i put this and i mentioned that and when was that. lol, she really did make me nervous. However, she called me again for an oral presentation for a specific subject, I did fairly well but she still was very harsh in her questions, I thought that i screwed it..... however she called me again after weeks for acceptance but i had already took my employer's job so i had to incline her offer (and honestly i am not into sales).


The third vacancy was a sales coordinator for building rehabilitation materials, it was directly with the CEO, a classy man in 60s, I did like 2 interview with him within one week, I was ACCEPTED but i didn't like the final offer.

My problem is getting job offers rather than job interviews themselves but this isn't related to creep vibes.


and there were other job interviews in my past ( and none of them were really bad) but i mentioned those three because they happened in a scope of three months.

So according to my interviews history, i don't have the problem of your bf, i don't have a creep vibe, i am very certain of that, however i am often told I appear very extremely polite, sometimes shy.