My thoughts on "You'll find someone if you stop looking

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I think you can go looking for relationships, you can go looking for sex, but you can't really go looking for love.

I agree with your first paragraph, hale_bopp. When I met my fiance, I was going through a positive phase where I became willing to get off my computer and try some socializing. While I had been also open to the idea of dating, I was really just looking for social events to attend where I would concentrate on making friends. I first met a woman who became my friend for a year or two, and I was happy with that. Then I met my fiance at a support group. So you can say I was not "looking" specifically. While I was looking for social outlets and possible friendships, I didn't have this expectation of meeting a significant other. So I was pleasantly surprised!

Also, when I went to the support group, I was just hoping to interact with other adults on the spectrum, But that is where I met my SO.

My biggest concern is that I won't have anything in common with people, and our lifestyles would clash.

I always thought the advice was aimed at people doing things for the sole purpose of finding someone. Things that normally they would not do. You may find a fling or short term romance that way, but I doubt many people would find a lasting relationship that way. I figured they were trying to tell the person to stop going to the places they normally wouldn't go (bars, concerts or whatever) and to just do the things that they liked. You come across as more confident and relaxed if you are just doing something you enjoy without the tension of trying to make a love connection. If you do meet someone that interests you, there are automatically things in common. It makes it easier to break the ice and get to know them. The relationship just happens without any effort to "make" it happen.

I think finding someone when you're not looking is really one of those things that is only applicable to NT's, because NT's subconsciously place themselves in social situations conductive to finding someone.

Many people with AS struggle to even determine what those situations are.

I think the word is "conducive" (no T).

Yes. Also, when I am in one of those prime NT situations, ripe for meeting people, I almost never feel anything. The people are pleasant, but that's about it. I'm not sure what I need to do to ramp that up, or if I just have bad luck (not enough people there at my stage in life who are available). I'm probably sabotaging my own "success" but I can't be sure what to do differently. I'm happy alone, too, so that's really fine. Maybe I need some sort of impetus? I never feel like, "oh, here's a live one, with potential!"

So, I'm not really "looking" (except maybe in the passive sense that other people have talked about here), but I never really find anyone I want to get to know better anyway. And I'm not shy, I'll strike up a conversation with anyone.

Moral of the story: you can stop looking, just don't stop for too long or you might lose your "sex vibe".

Possibly. I'll look into it. Thank you for mentioning it.

No, but he will give you some lovin' if you answer the door wearing lingerie.

the gem entry of this thread methinks.

I believe you can engineer a situation to some extent and that's the distinction. there's going out on a mission to date people and there's engineering an environment of increased probability - such as attending many social events and being approachable. this could arguably be an example of 'finding someone by not looking'

as a number of people have already mentioned upthread, the phrase is not to be taken literally

True. I dont order pizza anyway, I find that making my own is a better option, then I can have exactly what i want on them.

I have thought about it all a bit today, and I have realised that I at the moment fit the definition of "not looking".

I think at every point of being single it would be nice to meet someone, but at the moment what I think would be heaps nicer would be to make some friends. I dont want one new person in my life, I want several.

And it would be nice just to have someone to talk to, that is really what I want, so I dont really need a relationship at the moment.

Anyway, so here I am, officially "not looking". Perhaps I can test the theory over the next 6 months, if I meet someone before March next year, then it will be true that "not looking" works.

If you don't go anywhere and stay home all day you'll obviously fail at finding someone. Looking for someone has nothing to do with staying home or going out (you can look for partner from home using dating sites). If you stop forcing yourself getting a GF/BF you'll more likely find a TRUE love. I've had a lot of female friends I simply didn't want to have a relationship with, and I didn't want to hit on them just for the sake of having a GF. That's why I never looked specifically for a partner just to have one and I never entered dating sites, never read guides or W/E. I figured when the right girl comes I will know. And it did happen

I thought there was an initial connection between me and this other lady in town but, unfortunately for me, it turns out she's a thoroughly confused, shallow person. She was aghast when I mentioned my student loan debt and when I told her she was beautiful she curtly stated "I know I am". Now she's pregnant and the father of the child shows a weak interest in the new creature. Another potential mate I was interested in seems to be quite a phony, sometimes histrionic individual...always ready with a new crisis at hand. At a gig, she was late and said that she was "feeling ill" yet what do I see when she arrives? All smiles. Right. As if she miraculously felt better.

Anyways, that's all incidental to the topic at hand and just had to get it off my chest. It's difficult for me to hack through the bland pleasantries and small talk. It's so trivial and I always feel like a disingenuous jack ass trying to fit into a superficial social mold.

I think that you don't necessarily need to be actively looking for love for it to happen, but that being receptive or open to someone, and having a willingness or ability to be vulnerable with your emotions is probably necessary.

For a long time I was mentally closed off, and emotionally self protective. During that time I had no wish or thought of love or relationships. And none happened.

Of course, interacting with other humans is also important, unless you want a deep and meaningful relationship with a guinea pig or toaster.


Sorry if I've misunderstood the thread.

You know all my secret plans