Desperately Trying to Save My Relationship

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You make it sound like this was because he's an Apie. I don't think that's related to Asperges at all. I'm an Aspie who's the opposite of that & there's plenty of NTs who get like that.

After talking to him a whole hell of a lot more, I'm 100% convinced the problems are in some way related to Asperger's.

He pulled out because he felt "behind" in the relationship, emotionally. Which is how he felt in his last relationship. And I think what it comes down to is, as much as I thought I was doing to accommodate his needs in the relationship, I was still approaching it as if he was mostly NT but sometimes just felt a little detached.

Now I realize that's DEFINITELY not the case--he needs something that works in a very different way from most relationships. I don't think he even knows what specifically he needs. I'm talking to him about starting over, taking things very, very slow, and discovering how he needs things to work in order to be in a relationship.

If he can't do that, I'm obviously going to stay his close friend and will be there for him. It's mostly upsetting to see him giving up on himself like this. He made drastic changes to his career once he realized he wasn't cut out for office life. I hate to see him just give up on himself after realizing NT relationships maybe aren't possible for him.

Has anyone with AS gone through something similar to this? What kind of concessions do you need made in a relationship? When did you realize things needed to work differently for you?

I spent years and years trying to have relationships with all the "norms", at first thinking that eventually I would feel differently, then accepting I would never feel differently but deciding to go through the motions to try and maintain the relationship whilst trying not to let my resentment show. I'm now finally financially, practically and emotionally, completely independant and secure by myself. So I now not only realise, but ask for the following consessions upfront, if not met, I'm happier alone;

no light touch at all (I cannot handle it, it's repulsive to me), no demands for hugs or smiles (it makes me furious), no physical approaches (I can't handle them unless I initiate)

no living together or just dropping in (I need my own space, and need to be 100% in control of when I have that space, feel suffocated sharing living space with someone, whether they are there or not)

Absolute honesty and disclosure of feelings (I understand why people are dishonest and don't disclose but I cannot accept that some things are better not said, or that sometimes lies can be said for a "good" reason or to protect me - nothing good has ever come of someone treating me like that)

@Griffica - I hope things work out for you, it's clear that you obviously love him very much, but it's also good to be realistic about your expectations. Unfortunately my relationships now fail, not because I'm not able to communicate ,my absolute needs, tricky enough for me, but because I haven't met anyone yet who doesn't think I will magically change in time.

p.s. I always knew things needed to work differently for me, just wasn't brave enough to voice it.