Is "settling" ever a good idea?

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Wayne
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27 Sep 2011, 4:51 pm

You do have some control over how much closeness there is in a relationship. Also, just starting a relationship doesn't carry an implied promise to never break it off. So you could go for it, go way out on a limb when it comes to interacting with her and sharing with her and "being yourself" with her, and see how it goes. I figure either you'll forge a deeper connection with her or she'll realize you're not compatible and get out of your hair pretty quickly. Either way, you're not left wondering what might have been.

seoulgamer
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27 Sep 2011, 5:07 pm

I think that if Grisha is really drawn to this person, then he could at least give it a go, while not being misleading about his intentions. Quite aside from the clear drawback of being hurtful to the other person if it should happen that he's not really attracted to her, being stuck in a relationship with someone you don't really feel any personal chemistry with is just asking for trouble.

Better to be single and a little unhappy, then stuck with someone you don't like and have no hope of being with someone you truly love at all.

Grisha
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27 Sep 2011, 5:34 pm

Surfman wrote:

I'm 48 and I have an 18yr old waitress very interested in me. Shes very cute with a great figure, smart, but our compatibility is low to middling

Most NT guys would think that I was crazy to not make a move on her...

And not a few Aspies as well... :wink:

Grisha
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27 Sep 2011, 5:39 pm

seoulgamer wrote:

Better to be single and a little unhappy, then stuck with someone you don't like and have no hope of being with someone you truly love at all.

I think that sums it up perfectly, I think the reason I've taken so long to get back to being myself this time is due to the magnitude and frequency of the rejections I've been getting lately.

I should take a break and do something else (hobbies, build my business, etc) to avoid more rejections until I'm ready to handle them again...

gadge
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27 Sep 2011, 6:40 pm

Grisha wrote:

Surfman wrote:

And not a few Aspies as well... :wink:

That could be my daughter.... :shameonyou:

OP's orig ques.....one size fits all... usually doesn't

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886
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27 Sep 2011, 8:12 pm

It depends on who you are.. I couldn't do it. If you're just out to get laid, do as you please.. I couldn't, I need someone I could get along with. I was with someone for 5 months.. all we did was argue, have her get mad at me constantly for little things and yet I stayed with her.. I don't know why.. I wasn't gaining anything from it at all, I just felt worse.

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AsteroidNap
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27 Sep 2011, 8:35 pm

If you consciously think of it as settling, then you'll always be disappointed I think. It'll gnaw at the back of your mind.

Some people 'settle' without consciously thinking of it in those terms, and that could possibly work.

ToadOfSteel
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27 Sep 2011, 9:22 pm

Honestly if there was a girl that was genuinely attracted to me, i'd definitely go for it... but then again you're not an unlovable loner...

Grisha
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27 Sep 2011, 9:43 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Honestly if there was a girl that was genuinely attracted to me, i'd definitely go for it... but then again you're not an unlovable loner...

I never said she was necessarily genuinely attracted to me, in fact last time I saw her she talked about how she's struggling a bit financially. I

I can't say for sure that I've ever been considered to be genuinely attractive to anyone - there's always an agenda that I find out about later.

At least you know if someone is attracted to you, that they are probably actually attracted to you...

hale_bopp
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27 Sep 2011, 10:05 pm

It might be if you never want to be truly happy.

For me: No way.

Brianruns10
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27 Sep 2011, 10:08 pm

No, never, ever settle. Settling is for desperate, pathetic people whose goal in life is to get married and crap out babies.

If you settle you'll hate yourself, and you'll hate her too. I'd rather live and die alone.

Have your standards. Maintain them. Don't change who you are for the other person. MAKE THEM meet YOUR standards.

TeaEarlGreyHot
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27 Sep 2011, 10:35 pm

Grisha wrote:

I've been so down on myself lately that I'm actually considering "settling" for a woman I know is interested in me romantically.

I am attracted to her physically enough to where functioning sexually won't be a problem, but I am completely uninspired by her personally - although she is really nice, I feel distant from her whenever we talk about anything.

I'm really on the fence about this. I really don't want to "use" someone to pull me out of this funk, but nothing else seems to be working...

Is it morally right to escalate a relationship with someone you're not really "in" to just to improve your own self-image?

I almost did this a couple of weeks ago. It wouldn't have been fair to the guy, and it wouldn't be fair to the woman you are considering.

Now, I'm not one to sit around and wait for that special person that knocks me off my feet. I think there's a middle ground in between these two that is desireable. In fact, the middle ground seems to be where relationships have the best chance at success and longevity.

People that knock me off my feet generally end up being all wrong for me in so many ways, and I imagine the same holds true for the majority of people.

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Surfman
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27 Sep 2011, 10:56 pm

Sounds like most everyone here is happier being alone, on WP complaining.

Rather than playing titty bounce, bom bom shaka boom :?: sigh :?:

Do aspies not have a strong sex drive? I this the key here?

Maybe we not supposed to breed, maybe we are the end of the genetic line....degenerated aristocracy.... :cry:

TeaEarlGreyHot
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27 Sep 2011, 10:58 pm

Surfman wrote:

Sounds like most everyone here is happier being alone, on WP complaining.

Rather than playing titty bounce, bom bom shaka boom :?:

sigh

Do aspies not have a strong sex drive? I this the key here?

Testosterone enemas?

Lots of us have a high sex drive. I'd just rather be a nympho for the right person. :wink:

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hyperlexian
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27 Sep 2011, 11:15 pm

Crow_T_Robot wrote:

As I found out the hard way, settling is never a good idea. Basically, you'll still end up alone after having hurt someone who was only guilty of liking you. Plus it might cause unforeseen complications down the road.

i like this phrasing, and agreed. she would always hope the OP's feelings will turn around, even though there is little hope of it.

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Grisha
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27 Sep 2011, 11:18 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

i like this phrasing, and agreed. she would always hope the OP's feelings will turn around, even though there is little hope of it.

I've been on there more than once, letting go can be so difficult...

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