When AS Traits can Really Impact Dating

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it really, really annoys me that it took me 4 paragraphs to express what you just summarised into a few sentences.

Has he considered that he has some trouble expressing emotions and it may seem like he´s self absorbed/not enjoying an activity when he actually would love to get to know the person much better but is too afraid to ask them questions because he doesnt know whats appropiate and what not and he is having a great time before a date?(just so the other person is somewhat better prepared for the date and the misunderstandings about him disappear).

This may scare some of his possible dates away but if he is that way theres no way it would have worked out between them on the first place.

ok, so there are a few things you've mentioned, but this one stands out.

here on the board, we see people with varying abilities to reciprocate conversation or mutual attraction. having AS does not exclude people from being able to do these things, but there is a broad range involved. just reading the Hot Aspies Pictures & Chat Room thread, you see many people who can engage in conversation very well (at least in written form). people in there are showing interest in each other, asking questions, being encouraging, getting each other talking. at the other extreme is people who "post-and-run" in threads without ever truly interacting. some people who post and run will occasionally complain that members don't seem to want to connect with them but the difficulty does not have an external origin.

i don't know if reciprocity can be learned. it seems likely, as some people do improve.... but maybe they have to want to change. so.... an important consideration is whether your friend would want to change, or if he just thinks that the problem is other people or just dumb luck. i am skeptical because i keep encountering people who say they want advice but really just want to commiserate about how the world should change. you may want to ask him outright if he is interested in some suggestions that could assist him with his dating success, and be frank that it would require major changes in how he interacts with people. and you could even offer to practice with conversation if he agrees.

i don't think that coaching someone in conversational skills is necessarily changing the core of his being. it's helping him to express himself better so that he can build a relationship. my advice is based on the assumption that he is interested in hearing a woman talk about herself. i have encountered people who had conversational problems, which can be worked around, but then there are individuals who honestly don't care to hear anything about other people. they are so focused on themselves and their interests that they can't be bothered to listen. i don't have advice for that issue.

this aspect of being able to interact in a conversation is extremely important to me in the people i have dated. they don't have to be perfect conversationalists, but if they do not try to get to know me at all i will not go on a second date. i am just not willing to push myself on someone who seems like they can't be bothered, regardless of the reasons behind the problem. i need to feel like the other person wants to know me and is interested in me as a person, and the only way i can tell is the way he acts and the things he says. i can't second-guess what is inside his head.

I think the most crucial part here is not teaching conversation skills (which might get him a bit further, but will most likely be quickly revealed as being rote and fake), but helping him understand his own limitations and teaching him how to explain these limitations to others. No one is a mind reader, and if people see that there is something odd going on but have no idea what it is, they will be confused and subsequently repelled by the individual in question. However, from my own past experiences, careful explanations have been met with much acceptance and I believe that doing so openly has helped me acquire a lot of my close friendships. The disclosure of the label does not seem necessary here and might even be detrimental with people who are influenced by negative stereotypes and preconceptions.

Also, those are your personal preferences and people are different. I wouldn't mind being in a scenario you have described myself, as long as we both have a common interest and can interact around that interest.

We're talking a little more about this now. I really hope I can get my point across.

That's great. Good luck!

This is what I see as ideal for him. There are plenty of people with similar interests, and I feel that he could have a very fufufilling relationship based on the sharing of common interests.