Article on ASD marrying ASD

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For me it is essential that I have some sort of understanding with a guy I want to be with. I have tried dating opposites and people who dont really understand me but I feel that the best kind of partner is someone I can see eye to eye with. And that person doesnt come along often.




Yes this has been a huge problem for me throughout my 20s and is a big part of the reason why I am single now.

My social skills were really poor when I was younger and I ended up dating only quirky sorts of men as "normal" men would not be interested or last long.

But now my social skills are a little better but my sensory problems are now much worse. So it is not easy. I dont think about it a lot though.

I spend a lot more time wishing I had some good friends than I do wishing for a partner.

I dont really see a partner as being an essential in life. I used to when I was younger but I dont now.

Haha.

Why is it that everyone on this forum always says that love takes work, yet you seem not to want to make any effort?

I suppose you can't hurry love, but sometime you either got to settle or just give up on it altogether.

So many women push men away in their youth and then complain in middle age that all their same age male peers are looking for someone younger.

Um, I am not settling any time soon. It is a very bad idea to settle. Even when I am 80 years old with grey hair and a walking stick and my 80 year old male contemporaries are chasing the much younger 50 and 60 year old women around, I still would not be interested in settling for someone who is not suitable for the mere reason that there is noone who is truly suitable available.

And as for making an effort, what are you talking about? I go to the supermarket. I go to the mall sometimes.

That post that you have written though is even more hilarious than the first one. =^_^=

Well, "some sort of understanding" can take many different forms. Those who understand you the best may well have the same problems as you, and if you have difficulties taking care of certain things in your own life (maybe not totally helpless/dependent on others for them, but such that it stresses you out to deal with them), then that's not so great.

I do sometimes find the type of hyper-empathic types that "fraac" mentions attractive, but I also like women who are also socially aloof and quirky, yet still different enough to be interesting.



I see. So maybe at my age you were not that much better than me. I actually feel my social skills aren't awful, it's more my obsessive interests and need for time alone that make me clash with people.



I guess you have a rather low degree of craving for sex, and also don't yearn for the "rush" of passionate attraction?

yes I tend to find these types attractive too. But it is usually a non starter with them really as I either offend them, or they are not really used to someone like me. I am pretty eccentric, but in a loud way rather than a quiet way, and a person should not embarrass easily if they want to date me...



Well it is not so much that, it is more that I have a number of problems right now which require my attention, and my problem of having no partner ends up queueing up behind all those problems and becoming less of a priority.

Also the thing about having friends is that it means having several people to possibly hang out with, and a partner is just one person.

Just a few words, from my experiences and opinions:

This is definitely true. Stalking, unfortunately, helps answer many of the initial questions you only learn from dates - boyfriends, past or present, hobbies and interests, etc..that creates more common ground to talk about and build up comfortablity levels to the point where in my AS mind thinks 'I'm comfortable with her, share all those hobbies and she's attractive, I should ask her out' - her NT mind puts you in that 'friend-zoned' area and thus the moment you even attempt the most undirect, open ended initiation she's literally going '?! I thought you didn't see me in that way' and awkwardness, guilt and failure coming crashing down and I take ten steps back.



The last line is killer, because especially in dating, all three hit at the same time - you're thinking you're not good enough, you don't know how to approach and you don't know what will happen if by the smallest miracle she says yes. Usually one of three pulls us back and we restart silently frustrated with even less esteem than the first attempt. Each attempt is to risk a little bit less of the dwindling pot of esteem, I can see why many give up and rather keep the small pot they had then lose it all on failed attempts.

Another point unmentioned is that I suspect that almost no Aspie guys go what NT's call - sarging - socializing with women without company, other guys, friends or groups. Almost all my socializing has taken place in groups with at least one person I know and that person has some knowledge of my AS (Even though it is undiagnosed, it's fairly common knowledge that I find socializing awkward) ; so that even when I've loosened up to be careless enough not to be concentrating on keeping everything comfortable and ended up in situations normally uncomfortable - uninitended physical contact, wardrobe malfunctions etc...I'm still limited due to my friends being present. I can't risk embarrassing my friends, or myself to them or for that incident to be common knowledge around my friends or work colleagues. So I'm left there in that situation, unable to stop staring or initiate building frustration and/or overloading that results in, the inevitable, ten steps back and guilt for not doing what I really wanted.

A vicious circle, you'll agree?

Quoting the article-
It is just utter cluelessness; too much or too little. In addition, many get in trouble for staring and other "stalking" behavior; getting fired, arrested or both.

I can very much relate to this, but I don't find that stalking is necessary to answer those "initial questions". I usually find that after just walking up and starting a conversation, I can start to build that level of familiarity already. Then, if we meet up a few more times to talk, things like her hobbies, likes and dislikes, traits of ex-boyfriends, etc. tend to naturally come up in conversation. Though maybe this is because I have enough social skills to converse with relative ease.

On the other hand, like you I am baffled by why those girls who are so comfortable with us tend to balk as soon as we bring sexual/romantic feelings onto the table. I've mentioned this several times before. I tend to hope that if a girl gets comfortable with me and shows it, that it will go just as smoothly transitioning that connection to physical intimacy of some kind. It seems the problem is, for many girls there IS NO confortable, easy path "into their pants" so to speak, no matter how much they like you as a person. Unless, maybe there is for some specific type of guy, who they not only are comfortable with, but who has some other trait that I can only guess about.