How to discuss sex once in a relationship

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I would just like to reiterate that I am not talking about what point in a relationship to actually have sex, but about what point to make my preferences known.

^ That's what I mean. In my experience, it's just happened without really coming up in discussion.

After a few dates, you're good buddies and there's definitely romance in the air. You know she likes you. Dating.

After a while, you're talking about kids, finances, future plans, etc. Serious dating.

Likely the latter stage of the relationship.

You're more likely than some to have butterflies. Keep the light vibe. You're just chatting. You don't have to blush. It's an important topic.

My filthy mind misconstrued that at first.

What I am saying is: Should I mention "must be willing to try so-and-so positions" on a dating site profile, for example?

thats a good way to ensure nobody will answer

Yeah. Bad idea.

I wouldn't have done that anyway. It just seems like there are so many things in this topic that contradict each other.

Unfortunately, life is contradictory, and relationships are even MORE contradictory, so you'd better get used to the idea.

Look - in my opinion, discussing sexual positions and experimentation too early on in the dating process is a bad idea. Unfortunately, there's no "set time" to bring up this topic, you have to "feel" for when it is right and she will be comfortable discussing it with you. Having it on a dating profile, bringing it up on the first or even second date, most likely a BAD IDEA - especially if you phrase it like a list of requirements or something rather than bringing it up as joking banter as other members here have suggested.

The thing about women in the initial stages of dating, is that you don't want to scare them away. It's like approaching a wild animal - tread slow and cautiously (once you're comfortable, things can be different obviously).

As far as broaching the topic of sexual interests, you must determine a point at which you are comfortable together, and comfortable discussing more personal issues. If this point is difficult to determine due to lack of instinct on your part, you could play it safe and wait until SHE starts broaching this sort of topic (or other personal style topics, like wanting to have kids for example), and you will know the waters are safe to swim in.

Unfortunately, this does all take time. You can't pre-screen people according to this, the only way to really find someone who is sexually compatible is to try different people, so the first priority is to work on your dating skills and get out there in the dating world as best you can.

Oops, forgot about that. OK, here's the answer (that's right, THE answer):

You're right about one thing (and only one thing): when you bring it up makes a statement about yourself. On the other hand, Tim, you're in your 30s, and fairly inexperienced. Any woman you're likely to date probably has more experience than you, and probably a lot more. These women will not be put off by talk about sex early, as long as you don't do it in a pervy way. In fact, many of these women will be put off if you don't establish some kind of sexual connection with them by hm... 2nd date? It doesn't have to be much, just flirting or talking about sex or a kiss... but generally speaking, it has to be something. And science backs me up on this one - there are countless studies on just how short the typical woman's "window" is to establish a sexual connection, and it's always disturbingly short (by my standards anyway).

Honestly Tim, I think you're worrying the wrong way. If I remember right you don't have much experience, so how do you know that YOU will like to do these "certain things" you mention? Women who are asexual or have low sex drives are less common, and usually aren't looking to date as much in the first place, so I think your concerns about them are tremendously overblown.

^^ the second date??? guys expect sex on the 2nd date? Yea, right I would never even think of doing that.

"Fancy a quick shag, love?"

That's all there is to it.

No, what I said was that adult women who are actively dating usually want some substantial sign that a guy's sexually interested in them by the 2nd date. For most adult NTs who are actively dating, only the first date is the "get to know you as a person" date.

I just talk about it, somehow it leads there. I don't know if the guy then assumes that all I want from him is sex, but oh well. If you bug the person about wanting to then that's when they'll get the idea that's all you want, otherwise I don't see why if your just discussing likes/dislikes. I think it's important to talk about in the beginning of a relationship, so there aren't surprises, besides sometimes it's just an interesting topic.

Ok, maybe I'm weird and I guess not all women are like me, but...

I honestly thought sex was assumed in a relationship. It doesn't mean people should do it on a first date, third date, or whatever previously set moment, but for me, it goes without saying.

So I really didn't know if these things need to be discussed.

As for the details of it, they should go with intimacy as the relationship naturally progresses.

However, there are certain things both partners should know early in a relationship. If one person wants to wait before the marriage, then (s)he should make it clear right from the start.

Another thing your partner should know right from the start is if you have some... unusual sexual requirements (threesomes, BDSM, etc.) But in this case, I advise people to seek a partner via specialized websites/places dedicated to this kind of stuff, because chances are that a general population partner won't be into these things.

But other than that, I don't think sex should be discussed before a certain stage of a relationship where a certain level of intimacy is built.

You know, deconstruction, I thought that (bold), too, but I've run across too many guys where it's a "weird zone" with them. I think because I'm a bit older and a mom, too, I unfortunately don't get a wide variety of people to choose from when I date. I've met more than one for whom sex is an issue (psychological, physical, etc.). It's sad, they're nice people, but the non-sexual protocol and requirements of an intimate relationship are already so difficult for me that I have to have the sex work properly. Some men tried to make me feel like I was the greedy, oversexed one, and that just put an end to any possible friendship after that. Life's too f*****g short.