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HELP! Dealing With Doubt

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Erisad
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10 Nov 2011, 8:13 am

hyperlexian wrote:
Erisad wrote:
Just tell her that it just isn't working and that you would prefer to end things now than to let things spiral out of control. You can ask if you can still be friends but dating may not work out. If she asks why, you could say that "the chemistry just isn't there" or something to that effect. Don't make it about her weight. :)

^^^this is perfect. do not mention her appearance in any way.


Thanks. :)



mv
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10 Nov 2011, 8:17 am

Erisad wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Erisad wrote:
Just tell her that it just isn't working and that you would prefer to end things now than to let things spiral out of control. You can ask if you can still be friends but dating may not work out. If she asks why, you could say that "the chemistry just isn't there" or something to that effect. Don't make it about her weight. :)

^^^this is perfect. do not mention her appearance in any way.


Thanks. :)


I agree with hyperlexian, Erisad, great advice!



Erisad
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10 Nov 2011, 8:46 am

mv wrote:
Erisad wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Erisad wrote:
Just tell her that it just isn't working and that you would prefer to end things now than to let things spiral out of control. You can ask if you can still be friends but dating may not work out. If she asks why, you could say that "the chemistry just isn't there" or something to that effect. Don't make it about her weight. :)

^^^this is perfect. do not mention her appearance in any way.


Thanks. :)


I agree with hyperlexian, Erisad, great advice!


Have I earned a guru hat? :D



mv
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10 Nov 2011, 8:52 am

Erisad wrote:
mv wrote:
Erisad wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Erisad wrote:
Just tell her that it just isn't working and that you would prefer to end things now than to let things spiral out of control. You can ask if you can still be friends but dating may not work out. If she asks why, you could say that "the chemistry just isn't there" or something to that effect. Don't make it about her weight. :)

^^^this is perfect. do not mention her appearance in any way.


Thanks. :)


I agree with hyperlexian, Erisad, great advice!


Have I earned a guru hat? :D


:jester: Will this do?

How about this? :farao: or this :chef: or this :viking: ?



Erisad
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10 Nov 2011, 9:09 am

mv wrote:
Erisad wrote:
mv wrote:
Erisad wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Erisad wrote:
Just tell her that it just isn't working and that you would prefer to end things now than to let things spiral out of control. You can ask if you can still be friends but dating may not work out. If she asks why, you could say that "the chemistry just isn't there" or something to that effect. Don't make it about her weight. :)

^^^this is perfect. do not mention her appearance in any way.


Thanks. :)


I agree with hyperlexian, Erisad, great advice!


Have I earned a guru hat? :D


:jester: Will this do?

How about this? :farao: or this :chef: or this :viking: ?


I'll take the viking hat please. :D



PastFixations
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10 Nov 2011, 9:49 am

Erisad, you should be called Erihappy. I mean it, that is probably the best out of the advice givers that have posted.



hyperlexian
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10 Nov 2011, 10:23 am

PastFixations wrote:
Erisad, you should be called Erihappy. I mean it, that is probably the best out of the advice givers that have posted.

agreed, she gave the best advice. and what a beautiful sentiment! Erihappy!


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tronist
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10 Nov 2011, 5:59 pm

Erisad wrote:
Just tell her that it just isn't working and that you would prefer to end things now than to let things spiral out of control. You can ask if you can still be friends but dating may not work out. If she asks why, you could say that "the chemistry just isn't there" or something to that effect. Don't make it about her weight. :)

i dont know if this way of breaking up is the best. im pretty intimate, and i like cuddling a lot. this is basically the exact opposite of what i would be telling her wasnt working by saying that.

what other things could i say?



hyperlexian
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10 Nov 2011, 6:40 pm

i guess i misunderstood. i thought you didn't find her attractive? if you have chemistry and also care deeply for her, then i don't get why you would want to break up with her. she sounds like a good match... ?



tronist
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10 Nov 2011, 7:15 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
i guess i misunderstood. i thought you didn't find her attractive? if you have chemistry and also care deeply for her, then i don't get why you would want to break up with her. she sounds like a good match... ?

its not that i dont want to break up with her, i just want to do it the best way possible. i dont want to lead her on if i know i'll constantly be in strain in the relationship, even a little bit. i want her to have someone who loves her 100%, not just 80%, or whatever.

what are some phrases i could use to break up with her?

i want to make sure she doesnt feel bad. for reference, we've been dating about 2.5 weeks. we've cuddled a LOT and we 'messed around' some too. i dont want her to think its because i was using her for sexual reasons because her last bf used her like that. i do like spending time with her, and cuddling, but i feel it is selfish of me to keep her time when i cant give 100% to her.

i dont know.. do you think its better to keep going? she REALLY likes me and if she told me she loved me and i couldnt reciprocate i'd feel completely awful. i dont think i could ever love her 100%, or say it..



Erisad
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10 Nov 2011, 7:57 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
PastFixations wrote:
Erisad, you should be called Erihappy. I mean it, that is probably the best out of the advice givers that have posted.

agreed, she gave the best advice. and what a beautiful sentiment! Erihappy!


Awww, that's so cute. If only I could change my username...however, I can change my title. Hmmmm... :)



hyperlexian
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10 Nov 2011, 8:08 pm

tronist wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
i guess i misunderstood. i thought you didn't find her attractive? if you have chemistry and also care deeply for her, then i don't get why you would want to break up with her. she sounds like a good match... ?

its not that i dont want to break up with her, i just want to do it the best way possible. i dont want to lead her on if i know i'll constantly be in strain in the relationship, even a little bit. i want her to have someone who loves her 100%, not just 80%, or whatever.

what are some phrases i could use to break up with her?

i want to make sure she doesnt feel bad. for reference, we've been dating about 2.5 weeks. we've cuddled a LOT and we 'messed around' some too. i dont want her to think its because i was using her for sexual reasons because her last bf used her like that. i do like spending time with her, and cuddling, but i feel it is selfish of me to keep her time when i cant give 100% to her.

i dont know.. do you think its better to keep going? she REALLY likes me and if she told me she loved me and i couldnt reciprocate i'd feel completely awful. i dont think i could ever love her 100%, or say it..

yeah i think your instinct is in the right place and that you should set her free. maybe just tell her that you care for her deeply but do not feel a "special spark" (except ummm skip the quotes lol).



Erisad
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10 Nov 2011, 8:32 pm

I agree with what hyperlexian said there. That seems to be a good way of going about it. :)



tronist
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10 Nov 2011, 11:47 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
tronist wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
i guess i misunderstood. i thought you didn't find her attractive? if you have chemistry and also care deeply for her, then i don't get why you would want to break up with her. she sounds like a good match... ?

its not that i dont want to break up with her, i just want to do it the best way possible. i dont want to lead her on if i know i'll constantly be in strain in the relationship, even a little bit. i want her to have someone who loves her 100%, not just 80%, or whatever.

what are some phrases i could use to break up with her?

i want to make sure she doesnt feel bad. for reference, we've been dating about 2.5 weeks. we've cuddled a LOT and we 'messed around' some too. i dont want her to think its because i was using her for sexual reasons because her last bf used her like that. i do like spending time with her, and cuddling, but i feel it is selfish of me to keep her time when i cant give 100% to her.

i dont know.. do you think its better to keep going? she REALLY likes me and if she told me she loved me and i couldnt reciprocate i'd feel completely awful. i dont think i could ever love her 100%, or say it..

yeah i think your instinct is in the right place and that you should set her free. maybe just tell her that you care for her deeply but do not feel a "special spark" (except ummm skip the quotes lol).

i think im going to say 'i know you like me a lot, and i like you too. the thing is, i dont feel like i could ever like you 100%. you deserve someone who can fully reciprocate, and i cant give you that. it would be better if we could just be friends, samantha.. i dont want to lead you on more than i already have. im sorry.. i feel terrible about this. remember when you spent the night? as you fell asleep i cried because i knew i should break up with you, but i didnt want to see you cry, especially after you made a special visit to see me after i had a bad day. i feel terrible.. hopefully some day you can forgive me, and hopefully you wont hate me for this. the thing i fear most is that you will think i used you for sex like your last bf did, but that wasnt the case at all! im sorry you've had so much bad luck with guys in the past. hopefully our relationship wont end in the same 'bin' as the other ones. we shared a lot of good memories, right? i enjoyed making you smile for as long as i did. i just couldnt bear letting it progress any further. ive already built you up too much as it is, im afraid.'

actually, now that i think about it.. theres no way i'd be able to express all of that. i think i'll take her to the park and give it to her via letter. is breaking up via letter acceptable?



hyperlexian
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11 Nov 2011, 12:23 am

no.



hyperlexian
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11 Nov 2011, 12:28 am

ok i'll add to that. if you want her to know that you actually care for her as a friend and don't mean to hurt her, you will need to realllllly talk to her. it's not easy.

if you had sex with her (not sure from what you said if it was just cuddling or something more), she is likely gonna feel very upset if she's had that happen before where a guy slept with her and dumped her.... cuz even if you see your motives as different, in the end the result is the same.