Struggling NT
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,452
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
Do what you really want (which is divorce) and spare us the drama stories.
I resent this. I did not tell you every tidbit of our story, but I have always made excuses for him. I have always supported him and I think that is why he wanted marriage with me. I think that he probably had some idea that he was this difficult from his other relationship(s). I take more depression medication and anti-anxiety pills and what I keep hearing from his is that when he does things that are rude or strange or controlling, that's just the way he is. I guess I will start believing that, but it's not fun to live with. The inflexibility, control (which I really don't think is intentional), rudeness and most of all for me, always pulling back and killing the spirit of fun and excitement. I actually stopped (for a minute) being so affectionate to my son (17) because he said that I didn't need to do all the hugging and kissing on him. My son is normal, lives with his dad and is doing well in school. We have always had a close, appropriate relationship. But he is uncomfortable with our level of affection! My son was rightfully upset at me for pulling back. I have started to resume being me even if it makes him uncomfortable, but I can't do anything about a sex partner (my husband) who wants/needs control in bed which doesn't mean that his philosophy is "Nice guys finish last". No, when he finishes, there's not much left for me. In years past (we dated in our 20's), I thought he hung the moon. I never voiced my needs and being with him was enough. We had great fun! But I didn't know that he couldn't be open to responding to what I want. I had no idea. Now I know.
To be clear, I came to this site so that I could connect with NT women who had been successful at dealing with someone who, at times, seems like a jerk! I know it's the AS, but how do you live with someone who is this way? who wants sex? who doesn't want to live in separate bedrooms. who wants to share life the only way it plays out IN HIS OWN MIND??? THis is what I have discovered. It might be AS, it might be something else. But, as his WIFE, I deserve and ANY NT spouse deserves to KNOW what they are dealing with. I should not have to GUESS. I should not be in therapy just to cope with whatever he is lacking. I suspect that he could be helped by medication because he has obsessive behavior and lots of anxiety issues. IF he were found to clinically have these issues and get proper treatment for them, that would give m SO MUCH RELIEF! We could move forward with a new focus. THat's why I'm trying because I believe it could help SAVE MY MARRIAGE! Nobody gets married to get divorced.
By the way, I haven't found a thread for women like me. I don't need to hear from narrow-minded people who want to accuse me of something that may not be true. Get a clue! To me, this is not normal, even if it is to Aspies. It's HARD!!
My previous response to you was also based on many many many many many many threads by NT wives who are telling almost the same stories, the same pattern, i'll tell you about the pattern later,
and what's funnier, that such threads usually start similarly "I think my husband has AS" , "I believe my bf is aspie" , which means that the men aren't even officially diagnosed!
I have even suggested once to Alex (the wp's creator) : "Hey Alex!! Why don't you add 'A Wife suspecting a husband to be Aspie' as Diagnosis option in the profile creation?" But he never responded

Usually, in the past threads, I was always on saving the marriage camp but it never worked, so I got fed up with such threads and decided to take an opposite approach (you are unlucky).
Anyways, the pattern of the "NT wives with suspect AS husbands" threads are:
- The problems are usually more jerkness-related than AS-related, the men described are usually a**holes, alcoholists, beaters or total losers (or combo of those).
-The NT wives often tell about some signs of troubles before their marriage yet they thought they would sort out by themselves after marriage.
- The wives in these threads sound they already given up and made their mind (which is divorcing) but they're actually trying to find a relief in order to not feel guilty about not succeeding in saving the marriage, that relief is usually the husband's suspected AS (it's not Me, it's not him, it's the AS!),
-The story usually ends up with the divorce (surprise! surprise!).
50% of couples are getting divorced so it's not that uncommon, besides if you're born on 88 then you're still young.
So this time, I am gonna suggest a shortcut : do what you really want to do.
Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 11 Nov 2011, 7:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
swbluto
Veteran

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,899
Location: In the Andes, counting the stars and wondering if one of them is home to another civilization
Do what you really want (which is divorce) and spare us the drama stories.
Wow, didn't see that one coming. Nothing could be further from my mind. I'm sort of hoping you didn't mean me, but even if it's intended for the OP it's on the harsh side.
Are you sure you're NT? It's pretty clear that The_Face_of_Boo was directing this comment at the OP, but it seems like you misread his intention in a way that possibly someone on the spectrum would.
Do what you really want (which is divorce) and spare us the drama stories.
I resent this.
...
By the way, I haven't found a thread for women like me. I don't need to hear from narrow-minded people who want to accuse me of something that may not be true. Get a clue! To me, this is not normal, even if it is to Aspies. It's HARD!!
Ellie, the guy you're talking to there specializes in dry humor. He will likely not apologize.
This is an open discussion board, not a therapist's office.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,452
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
Do what you really want (which is divorce) and spare us the drama stories.
I resent this.
...
By the way, I haven't found a thread for women like me. I don't need to hear from narrow-minded people who want to accuse me of something that may not be true. Get a clue! To me, this is not normal, even if it is to Aspies. It's HARD!!
Ellie, the guy you're talking to there specializes in dry humor. He will likely not apologize.
This is an open discussion board, not a therapist's office.
I should drink more water.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,452
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
In any case, there are people here who are taking your situation seriously.
You need emotional support as well as logical support. There are emotionally supportive women on this forum who are also very knowledgeable. Read a few of the other threads, and send out a few private messages.
Also go to friends. For emotional support, but not logical support. Don't dump on them about your husband. You can enjoy their company in addition to the support your husband provides.
I'm starting to agree with our comedic friend. You are pointlessly repeating yourself.
This one:
http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartners
HopeGrows
Veteran

Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
OP, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time.
Look, there are some hard truths you have to face. None of us here are qualified to diagnose your husband. That said, lots of lots of Aspies are self-diagnosed, and accept their Aspieness without ever getting a diagnosis from a medical and/or trained professional. Lots of Aspies are first informally "diagnosed" by mates. A formal diagnosis may not be a "light bulb" moment for your husband....it may not be a catalyst for the kind of change you're hoping for.
IMO, Aspies who are successful in relationships realize that successful relationships require growth and compromise. IMO, Aspies who cannot maintain successful relationships tend to be unwilling to compromise, or to assess the self-limiting behavior patterns in their lives and look for solutions to those patterns. That's completely my opinion, based on my own experience. - but I think it's a legitimate perspective.
Having said what I have about growth and compromise, your husband's attitude (described above) concerns me greatly. It seems as though he can't imagine adapting his behavior. If you're going to have a marriage that works for both of you, he's going to have to adapt his behavior.
To be clear, I believe that every happy marriage requires growth and compromise - by both partners. It doesn't matter if the marriage is mixed (Aspie/NT) or not (NT/NT, Aspie/Aspie). Both partners have to be reasonably happy, and if sex is part of the relationship (as it is with most romantic relationships), both partners have to be sexually satisfied. I suggest talking with your husband - in a very straightforward way - about what you need him to do for your sexually. However, I don't suggest talking to him about it during sex, or in bed. When I say "straightforward," I'm not suggesting you be cruel. I am suggesting you be blunt. Tell him the technique(s) you'd like him to try, tell him how you expect you'll respond, tell him how you'll give him feedback. Tell him course corrections should be expected. Take all the guesswork out of the equation. Role play it for him. Run a few scenarios. Tell him this is a problem you need to solve together.
If you have some success improving your sex life, I'm sure your positive feelings about your relationship will increase. I'm sure your husband's positive feelings about your relationship will increase. I think success in the bedroom may also represent a pleasant example of how behavioral change can improve the quality of his life, e.g., satisfied wife = happy wife = less stress = happier husband.
You can get some relief from his behaviors - as long as he's willing to accept that some of his behaviors can be changed, and are worth the effort to change. That said, you have to accept the very same thing: some of his behaviors can be changed. For example, if he never makes it home to dinner on time because he gets wrapped up in his work and forgets to leave work - he can get a watch with an alarm that can remind him when it's time to leave.
However, he's never going to be NT. His ability to intuit what you need is never going to be like an NT's. His ability to roll with changes will likely remain limited. He will likely never have a lot of friends, or be the life of the party, or want to call his family regularly. In short, he's never going to not have this disability, and the limitations it presents. But if you can both accept that he has a disability, and adjust your expectations accordingly, you may be able to improve your relationship.
Finally, your husband may have co-morbid conditions - lots of Aspies do. Those conditions - OCD, anxiety, etc. - can be treated. Obviously, he has to want treatment, and agree to it.
I believe you are making a good faith effort to save your relationship, and I wish you luck. Take care.
_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
Look, there are some hard truths you have to face. None of us here are qualified to diagnose your husband. That said, lots of lots of Aspies are self-diagnosed, and accept their Aspieness without ever getting a diagnosis from a medical and/or trained professional. Lots of Aspies are first informally "diagnosed" by mates. A formal diagnosis may not be a "light bulb" moment for your husband....it may not be a catalyst for the kind of change you're hoping for.
IMO, Aspies who are successful in relationships realize that successful relationships require growth and compromise. IMO, Aspies who cannot maintain successful relationships tend to be unwilling to compromise, or to assess the self-limiting behavior patterns in their lives and look for solutions to those patterns. That's completely my opinion, based on my own experience. - but I think it's a legitimate perspective.
Having said what I have about growth and compromise, your husband's attitude (described above) concerns me greatly. It seems as though he can't imagine adapting his behavior. If you're going to have a marriage that works for both of you, he's going to have to adapt his behavior.
To be clear, I believe that every happy marriage requires growth and compromise - by both partners. It doesn't matter if the marriage is mixed (Aspie/NT) or not (NT/NT, Aspie/Aspie). Both partners have to be reasonably happy, and if sex is part of the relationship (as it is with most romantic relationships), both partners have to be sexually satisfied. I suggest talking with your husband - in a very straightforward way - about what you need him to do for your sexually. However, I don't suggest talking to him about it during sex, or in bed. When I say "straightforward," I'm not suggesting you be cruel. I am suggesting you be blunt. Tell him the technique(s) you'd like him to try, tell him how you expect you'll respond, tell him how you'll give him feedback. Tell him course corrections should be expected. Take all the guesswork out of the equation. Role play it for him. Run a few scenarios. Tell him this is a problem you need to solve together.
If you have some success improving your sex life, I'm sure your positive feelings about your relationship will increase. I'm sure your husband's positive feelings about your relationship will increase. I think success in the bedroom may also represent a pleasant example of how behavioral change can improve the quality of his life, e.g., satisfied wife = happy wife = less stress = happier husband.
You can get some relief from his behaviors - as long as he's willing to accept that some of his behaviors can be changed, and are worth the effort to change. That said, you have to accept the very same thing: some of his behaviors can be changed. For example, if he never makes it home to dinner on time because he gets wrapped up in his work and forgets to leave work - he can get a watch with an alarm that can remind him when it's time to leave.
However, he's never going to be NT. His ability to intuit what you need is never going to be like an NT's. His ability to roll with changes will likely remain limited. He will likely never have a lot of friends, or be the life of the party, or want to call his family regularly. In short, he's never going to not have this disability, and the limitations it presents. But if you can both accept that he has a disability, and adjust your expectations accordingly, you may be able to improve your relationship.
Finally, your husband may have co-morbid conditions - lots of Aspies do. Those conditions - OCD, anxiety, etc. - can be treated. Obviously, he has to want treatment, and agree to it.
I believe you are making a good faith effort to save your relationship, and I wish you luck. Take care.
I am grateful for this post. We saw a counselor yesterday. He suggested not labeling my husband and doing sensual sessions of touching with oils, candles, etc. This has been suggested to him before but with a female counselor. He refused to do it then, but maybe has warmed up to the idea since he senses my increased frustration and our new counselor is a man! We will see what happens. He (my husband) has agreed to these sensual sessions, but the proof is in the doing. I will keep you posted.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,452
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
Look, there are some hard truths you have to face. None of us here are qualified to diagnose your husband. That said, lots of lots of Aspies are self-diagnosed, and accept their Aspieness without ever getting a diagnosis from a medical and/or trained professional. Lots of Aspies are first informally "diagnosed" by mates. A formal diagnosis may not be a "light bulb" moment for your husband....it may not be a catalyst for the kind of change you're hoping for.
IMO, Aspies who are successful in relationships realize that successful relationships require growth and compromise. IMO, Aspies who cannot maintain successful relationships tend to be unwilling to compromise, or to assess the self-limiting behavior patterns in their lives and look for solutions to those patterns. That's completely my opinion, based on my own experience. - but I think it's a legitimate perspective.
Having said what I have about growth and compromise, your husband's attitude (described above) concerns me greatly. It seems as though he can't imagine adapting his behavior. If you're going to have a marriage that works for both of you, he's going to have to adapt his behavior.
To be clear, I believe that every happy marriage requires growth and compromise - by both partners. It doesn't matter if the marriage is mixed (Aspie/NT) or not (NT/NT, Aspie/Aspie). Both partners have to be reasonably happy, and if sex is part of the relationship (as it is with most romantic relationships), both partners have to be sexually satisfied. I suggest talking with your husband - in a very straightforward way - about what you need him to do for your sexually. However, I don't suggest talking to him about it during sex, or in bed. When I say "straightforward," I'm not suggesting you be cruel. I am suggesting you be blunt. Tell him the technique(s) you'd like him to try, tell him how you expect you'll respond, tell him how you'll give him feedback. Tell him course corrections should be expected. Take all the guesswork out of the equation. Role play it for him. Run a few scenarios. Tell him this is a problem you need to solve together.
If you have some success improving your sex life, I'm sure your positive feelings about your relationship will increase. I'm sure your husband's positive feelings about your relationship will increase. I think success in the bedroom may also represent a pleasant example of how behavioral change can improve the quality of his life, e.g., satisfied wife = happy wife = less stress = happier husband.
You can get some relief from his behaviors - as long as he's willing to accept that some of his behaviors can be changed, and are worth the effort to change. That said, you have to accept the very same thing: some of his behaviors can be changed. For example, if he never makes it home to dinner on time because he gets wrapped up in his work and forgets to leave work - he can get a watch with an alarm that can remind him when it's time to leave.
However, he's never going to be NT. His ability to intuit what you need is never going to be like an NT's. His ability to roll with changes will likely remain limited. He will likely never have a lot of friends, or be the life of the party, or want to call his family regularly. In short, he's never going to not have this disability, and the limitations it presents. But if you can both accept that he has a disability, and adjust your expectations accordingly, you may be able to improve your relationship.
Finally, your husband may have co-morbid conditions - lots of Aspies do. Those conditions - OCD, anxiety, etc. - can be treated. Obviously, he has to want treatment, and agree to it.
I believe you are making a good faith effort to save your relationship, and I wish you luck. Take care.
Bravo HopeGrows!! !
By the way, I haven't found a thread for women like me. I don't need to hear from narrow-minded people who want to accuse me of something that may not be true. Get a clue! To me, this is not normal, even if it is to Aspies. It's HARD!!
There isn't a cure or treatment for Asperger's. We wouldn't want one anyway! Your husband sounds happy the way he is, so why would he change?
The problems in your in your relationship are yours alone. That might be a hard pill to swallow because it sounds like you've invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship. I can only imagine how you must feel.
I think our NT partners have learned to accept what can't be changed - we don't all have terrible sex lives like you, but there are compromises that have to be made. I've seen other NT women in other forums around the net who have the same problem and most of them decide to dissolve their relationship. It's very sad, but true.
I'm glad you are seeking counseling, and I wish you the best.
By the way, I haven't found a thread for women like me. I don't need to hear from narrow-minded people who want to accuse me of something that may not be true. Get a clue! To me, this is not normal, even if it is to Aspies. It's HARD!!
There isn't a cure or treatment for Asperger's. We wouldn't want one anyway! Your husband sounds happy the way he is, so why would he change?
The problems in your in your relationship are yours alone. That might be a hard pill to swallow because it sounds like you've invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship. I can only imagine how you must feel.
I think our NT partners have learned to accept what can't be changed - we don't all have terrible sex lives like you, but there are compromises that have to be made. I've seen other NT women in other forums around the net who have the same problem and most of them decide to dissolve their relationship. It's very sad, but true.
I'm glad you are seeking counseling, and I wish you the best.
Except that all the 'compromises' are on the part of the NT spouse, while the AS partner uses AS as an excuse not to budge.
It's absolute rubbish that AS spouses shouldn't have to adapt, or learn ways to better cope with their own shortcomings. If they don't adapt, or compromise, terminate the marriage. Period. I've never been in the camp of 'save the marriage' at all costs because that simple enables bad behavior on the part of the offender.
The problems in the OP's marriage certainly are NOT hers and hers alone. When you've got a spouse who won't compromise, that's a mutual problem. A spouse that is domineering? Insensitive? That's not on her.
I see that this is her second marriage, and I can understand the pressure of trying stave off divorce number 2, but in the end, she needs to take care of herself.
oh, and great post Hope Grows.
My take on the whole thing is ultimately how important it is to marry someone who has friends. My husband has none and Thanksgiving is very difficult with just the two of us. (My children haven't even called.) I will talk to them about that on another day!
I believe it is important for both people to make compromises. For the Aspie in my life, the compromises seem painful since he has never had to do it. They seem difficult to him but, in my mind, they are what average people do. It's just a lot for him. I appreciate his efforts, but it's often not enough. If I didn't suffer from depression it probably wouldn't be such an issue. This is now a glaring truth.
It is true that I wouldn't want a second divorce, but I if I have to continue increasing my medications, I may not have much of a choice. My husband thinks that I should be able to handle my depression without medication. Any success stories with that out there? Ultimately, I don't think he wants to feel any responsibility for my having to take them. He doesn't believe that his behavior could cause more stress for me.
Only time will tell.
The oil massage sessions were only half successful. He enjoyed his. He also enjoyed giving me mine. I couldn't feel a connection. He kept asking me to tell him what I wanted...his language was clinical and his touches mechanical. I smile as I write this as I can imagine some of you will defend him which I understand. We will try again.
By the way, we are both around 50.
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
struggling with dating |
12 May 2025, 11:58 pm |
Struggling with diaper changes and odd new behaviour |
16 Jul 2025, 8:59 am |
Struggling To Make Friends In My Age Group |
18 Jul 2025, 11:07 pm |
Just started a retail job and struggling with counting money |
25 May 2025, 6:05 pm |