Aspies in wuv

Post Reply New Topic

Well, I can't speak for everyone, but these are my must haves for a relationship.

1. The understanding that feelings need to be communicated clearly and bluntly IN WORDS.

2. The understanding that even if I only react to a situation after the emotional underpinnings have been spelled out, does not make my resulting feelings any less valid. For example, if I said something inadvertently hurtful, and the person has to explain for 5 minutes why it was hurtful, and then I finally get it and say how sorry I am, the fact that it took that time to realize the impact does not mean my apologgy means less.

I have run into people that viewed this as me simply going through the motions, and that if I didn't react on the spot based on body language or things left unsaid, it meant that what I felt was less real. This is a major problem.

3. The ability to talk out issues the MOMENT they arise. I had a girlfriend that never felt comfortable with calling me out the moment that I did something that hurt her, or vice versa. She would bring it up hours or days later, at which point I would have no frame of reference whatsoever.

Other times, when I did recognize a problem, she would not want to talk about it until later. This was a huge issue for me, because 1- If we talk later, I lose the relvance of the context, and can't learn from it, and 2- I cannot table the issue, or move on until some resolution has been reached.

4. The simple understanding that my not always reacting to social cues does not mean I do not care.


These are things I have found make for a much more successful relationship with me. It all boils down to communication, and being able to reach an understanding with somebody on how AS persons tend to have a different emphasis on communication than the typical person.

BTW, above I left out "time to self" and "understanding of sensory issues", reason being that I think any committed relationship would be able to work around things that boil down to quirks.

Here is an anecdote. My last serious relationship started with a girl that I worked with. We had been "work friends" for a while. We gave each other books to read, we talked a lot, we took lunches together, we hung out at the comnpany picnic.

She had mentioned when she first started that she had a boyfriend. As I know people will say that when they are not interested in dating somebody, I didn't think any further about a relationship. I was very attracted to her, but I never acted on it, because I valued our friendship, and she had made it clear by mentioning her boyfriend that she wasn't interested.

One night, we went out with some co-workers to a bar. I noticed that she was most definitely seeming to be finding excuses to come into contact with me, falling into me, touching me, etc. I chalked this up to her becoming very uninhibited when she was drunk. I didn't want to interfere with her relationship, and I figured she would regret it.

One night, I am pulling up to my house coming home from, and I notice that a car has followed me. It is her. She jumps out, and says "Look, I'm not sure what is going on here. I am CRAZY about you, I know you like me, I HAVE BEEN GIVING YOU EVERY SIGN IN THE BOOK, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?! Do you really not like me? What am I doing wrong?"

This completely floored me, because A- I had not seen any of these signals, at all. In my eyes, we were friends. B- The very obvious signals I misinterpreted (her falling all over me at a bar) because I had missed all the rest, and to me, it was like she had only started giving signals when drunk, which I chalked up to the alcohol.

For me to get it, she had to go even further, and spell out, "I like you, and I want a relationship with you. I want to start dating you!".

If she had said that from the beginning, I would have known. BE BLUNT.

This can't be stressed enough. Most girls / women may think we are not interested on them when there really *may* be a chance. If they say "I got a boyfriend" then that would be it (even worse if you are of the shy kind). If they only knew it is just a matter that we cannot "see" all those other signs that seem so obvious to the average person....

And by the same token, we can be completely unaware of sending the wrong signals about ourselves to other people ("What did I do? Was it something I said or what?"). I can tell at least about a couple of occasions when my personality has rubbed people the wrong way, and without me being aware why.

Tough stuff we've got to live with.

If only I'd known about his Aspie tendancies!

But then I guess he only recently knew. Odd thing is, by that test I score in the ADD range with "some" Aspie tendancies. And hey, he was the one telling me I was being too pendantic and literal about everything!

Well, maybe I'll get a second chance someday.