When does infatuation become "real"?

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15 Nov 2011, 1:53 pm

I might add that a system of arranged marriage actually does work out quite well. Simply because the commitment is there, and it is reinforced by society.

Grisha
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15 Nov 2011, 2:00 pm

MountainLaurel wrote:

Hey, Grisha; it's good to hear of this about-face for you in the dating realm.

FullofStars covered it brilliantly.

I don't pro port to know when limerence will becomes a real bond, but I do have a prosaic rule of thumb. Enjoy the cathexis, but don't move the beloved into your life, lock & stock and barrel until you've dated for at least a year.

This has two virtues; it weeds out lovers who demand unrealistic trust before it's warranted; insanely insecure lovers who demand commitment because they KNOW you won't stay together with them aside form wholesale life entanglement. And it just plain allows your love and spiritual attachment to grow (or not) gradually without the pressure of full fledged economic and home life enmeshment.

What's moving the beloved into your life, lock & stock and barrel? Enmeshing offspring, becoming pregnant, enmeshing finances/career, and dare I say; moving in together.

Thanks

And yes, I agree with you about entangling your lives too soon, luckily we both seem to agree about the pace of things so I'm just enjoying our time together without spending too much time obsessing about how things will turn out - it's not easy sometimes though... :wink:

Tsela
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15 Nov 2011, 5:21 pm

Grisha wrote:

Thanks

MountainLaurel covered it beautifully. But if I may add one thing: it's not enough to wait before you commit. Two-roof relationships are actually easy: you can always go back to your place if things are a bit difficult. The true test for a relationship is living together in a very tiny space for at least a year, i.e. a space where the only way to run away from an argument is to run away from your home! If after a year you don't want to gouge each other's eyes out, your relationship will survive anything! Trust me, I know: that's how my relationship with my husband became so strong that we are still together after 12 years, despite a lot of ups and downs.

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15 Nov 2011, 7:33 pm

Tsela wrote:

Two-roof relationships are actually easy: you can always go back to your place if things are a bit difficult. The true test for a relationship is living together in a very tiny space for at least a year, i.e. a space where the only way to run away from an argument is to run away from your home!

I find that arguments usually stem from social power games. The man is typically the weak one trying to be strong, and the woman is adept enough to be passive-aggressive.

It's possible to find someone who is socially adept, and is also not passive-aggressive. She tries to not get under your skin, and you never fight.

The business aspect of living together is often muddied, which can cause friction.

Two-roof relationships are my personal preference.

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17 Nov 2011, 5:13 pm

I like this thread. I think I'm at this turning point stage right now. It's been 4.5 months, and we've had 2 or 3 fairly minor (I hesitate to call them "fights," but somewhat more than disagreements) uh, heated debates. Enough to realize neither of us is perfect, but this relationship is still pretty damn awesome. I'm not sure if he's there yet, I kinda suspect he's still in the infatuation stage, but I expect he'll stalk my posts and come comment on this himself lol.

TeaEarlGreyHot
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17 Nov 2011, 5:31 pm

Infatuation and love are notorious for being confused. Truthfully, I think anyone that claims to have it all figured out is either lying or deluding themselves.

With that said, there's some good advice in this thread. Certainly saved me from typing it all out.

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deconstruction
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18 Nov 2011, 8:52 am

For my husband and me, it was when we started living together and sharing day to day problems. Ok, not really. We started living together three weeks after we met, but this stage came after about 4-5 months. But I don't see it as losing passion, more of building stronger connections. I don't know how it happens or when. There are no rules here and it's all individual. There's no right or wrong here, I think.

I believe it's the moment when in your mind you two become "we".

Grisha
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18 Nov 2011, 8:58 am

deconstruction wrote:

I believe it's the moment when in your mind you two become "we".

I think that states it very well.

I kind of feel the giddyness of infatuation slowly morphing into a more peaceful feeling that could be described as "devotion".

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18 Nov 2011, 7:56 pm

Megz wrote:

You told me about this thread rite after you replied :lol:

I didn't reply then because I didn't know what to say at the time & wanted to think more. Those "fights" were at least 50% my fault. I am still very infatuated but there is also a very real substitutable connection; there is infatuation & something more to it at the same time. I think that is some of why we got into "fights"; I take our relationship very seriously. I try to discuss issues so I can address em & I end up making them worse than they are; especially if the issues are with myself. I would believe things were perfect when their could be very real problems that I would refuse to see or accept if it was just infatuation. I do know things are not perfect but I am completely sure that you are perfect for me :heart:

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