My BF with Aspergers INSISTS on hugs although he hates them

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fraac: I suppose it is a bit weird

curlyfry: That's a beautiful way of putting it. I've tried to explain that to him, but it doesn't seem to have quite sunk in yet. Perhaps he's so used to one way of thinking that switching to another is going to take a bit of time.

Marcia: Your right in that he can be a little bit controlling, although he's generally well-meaning with it and will stop doing it when I put my foot down. Thanks for the warning, I'll be careful.

League Girl: I've tried explaining it to him that way, he just insisted that I can touch him whenever I like (which wasn't the point I was trying to make at all). He tends to assume that if he feels a certain way then I do to regardless of what I say and that I'm trying not to hurt his feelings.

bluemoonrising: I'm glad to hear we're not the only ones with this particular problem and that you've been together for so long despite your problems. My partner has said that he is finding touching me slightly easier over time so maybe we'll find the same thing happens with us. If not, I can live with that provided we can find a balance which works for both of us.

I love that honesty too! Sometimes, when I ask him a question he'll answer it, pause and then say 'that wasn't the answer you wanted'. Each time it happens, I reassure him that I'd rather know the truth than have a nice lie instead. And I mean it. Its just one more thing I'd miss if he was 'normal'. Besides, I always know his compliments are genuine

The Face of a Boo: Thanks for responding; I'm hoping that we can resolve things, but if not I doubt we'll break up over it. There are too many good parts of our relationship to lose it over that!

*****

We had another talk about this last night in which I explained again that I don't need to be hugged and touched as much. He had two new reasonings behind it this time; firstly, he 'wants' to be able to touch and hold his partner because, whilst he doesn't enjoy the sensation he enjoys being with me and making me happy. He seems to think that he has to touch me, since that's a part of a 'normal, healthy' relationship.

Secondly, he wants to try and become more used to being touched and seems to think that the more he hugs and touches me, the easier it will become to be touched in general (specifically, he said, by doctors in a medical emergency).

Neither of those reasons quite make sense to me, but maybe they do to you guys(?)

If he WANTS to hug you then just let him unless it's bothering you. If you like hugs then don't worry about how many there are and that he doesn't want to touch because he obviously DOES want to touch you. It's his choice if he is initiating. He seems to be trying to work on himself too, to make the effort.

Just enjoy that your guy likes to hug you. I wish I had that.

Meska, although your partner states that he is being affectionate for your sake, his reasoning makes it sound like it is for his sake. he seems to want to be like a "normal" partner, and he also wants to learn to get over his aversion so that it will be better for him in case of emergency. although he frames the affection issue in terms of how he wants to please you, he is attempting to please a version of you that he has inaccurately created in his own head. he says that it is for you, but if he really had your needs in mind he would be listening to what you tell him instead of deciding for you what he thinks that you need.

he seems to feel it is necessary to change because he wants to become a different person (in a relationship and in life). it seems that he has some preconceived ideas of how a man is supposed to behave in a relationship, and he wants to remake himself accordingly. he may think that he will lose you or that he will never be succesful in a relationship unless he becomes more like an NT. but this self-imposed change is creating more stress on the relationship than if he was simply true to himself.

it may help him to read up on how other aspies behave in relationships and how they get things to work smoothly with an NT mate. he doesn't seem to believe that you are willing to accept him in his current state, but perhaps if he saw that it is possible for some NT mates to accept lower levels of affection as simply one aspect of a happy well-functioning relationship, then he may be willing to rethink his preconceptions. he might want to look up forums or books or articles like that one in the NYT to get some idea of how other couples make it work together.

Sounds like he is taking the books way too literal. I assume he has been reading about relationships right?

I think the rules of having a healthy one is bullcrap. Who says you have to have lot of hugging and touching for it to be good? It can be good without lot of it. I think a relationship is only bad if two people are always fighting and not getting along and don't have things in common and they are always making each other feel bad and if it's abusive too or if they both have different goals that wouldn't work for either of them or can't meet each others needs or if you don't want to change for your partner because your partner has a hard time with the way you are.

But if a person is fine with without lot of hugs and touches, then the relationship is still good if their partner isn't giving them lot of it. No book or article or anyone else will convince me that relationship is bad despite how great it's going for both these people despite the lack of touch.

To the second part, it sounds like he is also doing it for his own good to improve his sensory issues because he knows being touched is part of life and he has to learn to deal with it so that is what he is doing. But can he have you hug and touch him a lot to help him out rather than him doing that to you?

yanno honestly you could just show him this thread!

or, just tell him straight up

"hey, i know you dont like physical touch because it makes you uncomfortable, i said 'you dont have to hug me as much' because i dont want you to be uncomfortable, not for any other reason. i really like you (insert love if applicable), and i just want you to be comfortable, yanno? it has nothing to do with me not liking you as much, or something silly like that."

you gotta be straight forward with him. we aspies dont pick up on subtleties. you gotta tell it to us straight, to the point, and dont beat around the bush at all, and then we'll have a much better chance of understanding. the reason he reacted negatively was probably because he thought by you not wanting him to hug you, your feelings for him were wavering.

Thanks again to everyone whos taken the time to respond, I really appreciate it.

Butterflair: I know that, ultimately its his choice whether or not he initiates hugs or not. I suppose that, more than anything, I'm concerned that he feels this is something he has to do rather than something he wants to. I know that I'm very lucky to have him.

hyperlexian: I think him doing some reading as you've suggested sounds like a good idea. He does seem to be trying very hard to be 'normal'.

I'm not sure whether his reasons were the result of him trying to make me 'feel better' by reassuring me that there are reasons other than making me feel happy for him to be doing what he's doing. I know that he usually has a selection of reasons for any given course of action he takes and the ones he's willing to share with me often depend on what reaction he's expecting...

League Girl: I have no idea if he's been reading about relationships. It wouldn't suprise me if he has been though, it seems like the kind of thing he'd do if he was concerned about getting it wrong. I agree; ultimately, the only rules which can define how 'healthy' a relationship is are the ones which the couple define together, not the ones you find in a book.

He has also asked me to touch him regularly (although since my first post we've talked and agreed that when he REALLY doesn't want to be touched he'll let me know). I'm not sure to what extent it helps him though.

tronist: That's pretty much what I said to him when he got upset!

I've told him about this thread and we had another talk about how different people behave in different ways within their relationship. He seemed to understand better what I meant and why I was saying it this time, but he'd still rather touch me this much and give me hugs provided I don't mind. On the other hand, if there are times when I don't want to be touched (for example because of my illness), he's happy to respect that.

Oddly, since that talk he's started hugging me in his sleep. I'm not sure its related, but it was unexpected...

And tronist, I'm painfully unsubtle. In fact, he's asked me to try to be less blunt and honest with him and try using a little tact!

This sounds familiar.
I don't like unexpected physical contact either, and it kind of bothers me when my cousin's wives insist on hugging me. But from someone I love, I actually enjoy hugging, the tighter the better. LOL
I think like others have said, he is trying to overcome his aversion(s). Maybe too hard, I knowI can overcompensate in social situations.
I think he is also very lucky to have you, BTW.

Sincerely,
Matt

Thanks Matt62! Yes, I think you're right in that he does tend to overcompensate in social situations and within our relationship. If he thinks he's done something 'wrong', he can massively over-react to 'fix' it sometimes. Maybe this is a bit like that...

poor bugger

but yeah not all touches are the same i love hugs but hate un expected touches and light touches hat peple touching my scalp

munch15a: Thanks for responding The thing is, I can understand why certain kinds of touch would bother him (and, in fact, anyone) since although I'm NT I'd prefer people not to touch me unexpectedly (I have a 'martial arts moment' and hurt them...), I don't like really light touch (it reminds me of small insects and freaks me out) and there are parts of me I hate having touched, like the back of my head (*shudder*). These are all things he's aware of and he never does any of them to me, yet he seems to think he has to tolerate things which are uncomfortable for him to make me happy.

We've been talking about which kinds of touch are easier for him to cope with and which are especially uncomfortable, and it turns out there's a third time when touching me doesn't cause him discomfort; when we kiss. Is that familiar to anyone?

Have you told him that there are other ways he can show affection, not just hugs? What about holding hands (this one I'm ok with, myself).
Or maybe he is actually starting to enjoy hugging, but still telling himself he doesn't like it. I think that is a possibility here, too.

Matt