Terrified of intimacy

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03 Feb 2012, 12:49 pm

Interesting thread. It's been pointed out to me by several people that I seem to have a fear of commitment and, reading through these posts, I'm starting wonder if that's not just another variation on this theme.

techstepgenr8tion
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03 Feb 2012, 1:21 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:

For me, I don't think it's so much I'm terrified of intimacy, but more that I'm terrified of the way I'm expected to show it in interactions. Not sure why this is, though :/

Probably because you're aware that its outside of the territory of what people can read properly from you.

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Matt62
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03 Feb 2012, 2:57 pm

Returning it works the same way. Its even more frightening, really. IME, I can go to a Gentleman's club & get a ton of Lap Dances (well, with enough cash! LOL). That is pleaurable & non-frightening (NOW, not in past!) but if anyone tries to get me to discuss really personal issues along with getting physical, I start to sweat. For the WRONG reasons .

Sincerely,
Matt

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03 Feb 2012, 3:07 pm

Matt62 wrote:

.

Sincerely,
Matt

Matt, I TOTALLY get that. When it's false intimacy, sanctioned, impersonal, with rules clearly defined, I can get through that. It's the real intimacy that I can have issues with, but I think that's because others have abused my {naive, unschooled} trust so completely. I don't think my issues with emotional intimacy were necessarily inborn.

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03 Feb 2012, 3:11 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

who is that, Tequila?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gene_Hunt

He's a kind of symbol of the stereotyped way men supposedly used to behave in the 70s. All macho, and seen now as being quite cool.

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03 Feb 2012, 4:08 pm

Henbane wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

who is that, Tequila?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gene_Hunt

He's a kind of symbol of the stereotyped way men supposedly used to behave in the 70s. All macho, and seen now as being quite cool.

thanks for the information do you know how he relates to what i was saying?

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Aimless
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03 Feb 2012, 4:09 pm

Was the OP talking about emotional intimacy or physical intimacy? Many are quite comfortable with the physical and not with the emotional.

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AScomposer13413
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03 Feb 2012, 4:13 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

AScomposer13413 wrote:

For me, I don't think it's so much I'm terrified of intimacy, but more that I'm terrified of the way I'm expected to show it in interactions. Not sure why this is, though :/

Probably because you're aware that its outside of the territory of what people can read properly from you.

That's quite true, not to mention reworking that intimacy to fit someone else's definition kinda defeats the purpose (at least for me)...sigh

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03 Feb 2012, 4:35 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

who is that, Tequila?

It's supposed to mean: do you think we're all like Gene Hunt?

techstepgenr8tion
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03 Feb 2012, 4:44 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:

That's quite true, not to mention reworking that intimacy to fit someone else's definition kinda defeats the purpose (at least for me)...sigh

Agreed, bludgeoning myself for conformity at that level of my life would kill all reward.

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03 Feb 2012, 4:50 pm

Intimacy in relationships is a two-way street, though, so you can't really have everything on your own terms. (Or, if you do, it won't mean as much, I think). You've got to give a little, if you want to get anything in return.

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03 Feb 2012, 5:12 pm

Tequila wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

who is that, Tequila?

It's supposed to mean: do you think we're all like Gene Hunt?

ohhh ok. i am very glad that so many men (and women) are not like that. and i am especially glad they're willing to talk about it.

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techstepgenr8tion
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03 Feb 2012, 5:35 pm

blueroses wrote:

I think that's the dividing line between those who are happily married for life, in a relationship more often than not, single more often than not, or permanently single. People have only a certain amount of distance they can extend from their center before they run themselves ragged. People in the middle of the bellcurve seem to have it made, people at the extremities of the bellcurve perhaps could do everything in their power and it still won't change a thing.

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TeaEarlGreyHot
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03 Feb 2012, 5:49 pm

I've been thinking a lot about my fear of intimacy lately. For me it's a trust issue. I don't trust the other person not to try to control me or abuse me.

A lot of people (even just friends) try to control me and it does nothing but push me away.

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03 Feb 2012, 11:58 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

A lot of people (even just friends) try to control me and it does nothing but push me away.

Makes you wonder what goes through their heads. They want you as a friend, but don't think their awful behavior will push you away.

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04 Feb 2012, 12:10 am

blueroses wrote:

I recognize this, but there's also the element of perception that needs to be taken into account as well. For myself, PDA's outside of hugging could be my way of giving a lot. It's kinda moot point if the person I'm showing the affection to sees it as a small token and I get rattled because of the vulnerability I put myself through for that person only to get so little in return.

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