aspie men and DPD effecting dating.

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I suppose that would be the case, the only way to really find out would be to compare people on the spectrum that were raised sheltered as opposed to ones that were raised with life skills and independence. I don't really think it is hardwired though so I definitely think it could be due to a central executive being sheltering or too parental.

My friend with DPD is NT and so are her parents, but she was raised in a very overprotective, sheltering home, where the kids were expected to do every single little thing their parents want and please them. I was raised with a very overprotective mother who was sure that I was constantly sick and that I wasn't able to do anything at all that other kids did and that I was extremely fragile both physically and emotionally. I have AS, but nobody knew that then. I do not have DPD. I do complain about the lack of emotional support in my marriage but that's because I married a Vulcan who cannot express deep emotion or deal with anyone else who is experiencing negative emotion. I do not need an abnormal amount of emotional support, nor do I feel the need to have him, my mother, or anyone else approve everything I do, but like anyone else who doesn't have DPD, I feel that it's nice for someone to express approval occasionally. People do need good feedback. People with DPD need to check with others or have others constantly approve what they are doing, thinking, saying, etc or they may question whether it is right or not, or feel that it or they have no worth.

From what I have read, parenting plays a large role in developing DPD.

[Moved from Love and Dating to Bipolar, Tourettes, Schizophrenia, and other Psychological Conditions]

I am very dependent but I was never diagnosed with DPD thou I was diagnosed with 10+ other things instead of AS. My dependance is due to a combination of my AS, physical disabilities & learning problems that no one really reconciled & certainly did not understand when I was little. There's lots of environmental factors too. I researched DPD a little & I doubt I would meet some of the criteria for it. My dependance is affected by my environment a lot; for example the personality & way I acted at work after I had been working a bit at all 3 jobs I had; would certainly not be described as dependent. One of the reasons I want a relationship is because a relationship helps me be more independent. Having someone I can talk things over with before making decisions; helps me sort things out so I can make better decisions & feel more confident about them. Doing things with a partner gets me out in a different environment which helps me grow. Having a partner motivates me to be more independent because I want to be a better person for them. I'm afraid to try on my own here because I have no one to turn to when I run into a problem; having someone I can turn to for emotional support is a major help to me.

Why does this just apply to aspie males?

well it was about love and dating and should not have been moved. I dont think aspie women with DPD would have so much trouble dating as generally (in my culture) men would not mind 'looking after' a dependent women and might in fact like it.

(Thread moved back to L&D)

Some NT women go for dependent Aspie guys but unfortunately the women tend to mother the dependent Aspie. The women take charge & try to change the guy instead of accepting him as he is which naturally causes the women to feel resentful; Cassandra Syndrome for example. Based on my experience I think dependent Aspie guys would be better with women who are also dependent. My 2nd girl was a very independent Aspie & she took charge of our relationship & refused to consider my input when making relationship or other decisions that involved or affected me. Tthings were more equal with my 1st girl who was an NT that had lots of emotional problems that she came to me with.

I agree, men don't mind looking after or supporting a woman, especially if they have the expected role of being the bread winner or provider in the relationship or family unit. Men on the other hand are expected to have financial stability and security to some degree. If a woman has a lower income, it would not deduct from her attractiveness or long term compatibility as much it would for a man.



I've been in that situation and it can be quite difficult, it's better to find someone that truly accepts you for you and doesn't want to change or mother you into something you're not. Dependent people do suit each other better, however once in a while, one of them will have to step up and be assertive to make a decision or harbor them through a rough patch, otherwise it will turn into a mess.

I agree, I am a very 'strong' 'independent' character and need a man to be assertive with me and tend to make 'dependent' type men feel abused, crushed and uncared for. I think aspie women are particularly unsuited to DPD style men as they would not be caring enough to meet the mans needs, I think he would need a caring (but not over bearing), highly empathetic women. However I think the man might have trouble meeting the womans emotional needs as he is taking for himself but perhaps does not have the capacity to give emotionally.

Exactly. It's better if they are more dependent in different ways so they can kind of balance each other out like if one lacks independent living skills & the other needs lots of emotional support

Not necessarily. Aspie women can be dependent too & if they are both dependent but not so much in the emotional sense; Aspie women & men tend to be emotionally distant in relationships despite being dependent.
This may be a little off topic but it's kind of related. What about codependency. I'm kind of the opposite of a typical Aspie in a relationship(except for being dependent) I'm clingy, extremely emotionally supportive & I think of a romantic relationship as being a symbiotic relationship where we both help each other. The psychs I saw thought that was codependency; my personality is more of a stereotypical Aspie's with friendships & other non-romantic relationships so I highly doubt that I'm codependent; it's like I have two extreme opposite personalities(one that's only with romantic relationships & another one for everything else). I've know a couple people that were more stereotypical codependents & we got along well as friends despite me being withdrawn & distant with them. I think a codependent Aspie would be the perfect woman for me but I never heard of an Aspie being codependent & I never heard of any kind of relationship between an Aspie & a codependent either.

I think lots and lots of people have very different rules or personality for their romantic relationships than for their work and friendships. For example often violent men are really nice to their friends and colleagues, or for example men would say rude jokes with friends but not with girlfriends.

My sister is very dependent on her husband but very aloof at work and with friends. In her relationship, her husband is happy to look after her and baby her and I dont think she would cope with someone who was not the 'capable one'.

from what Ive observed lots of aspies get involved in co-dependent relationships where they are enablers of people with drug/drink/personality problems and feel they have to rescue a person and help them (rather than going for equal relationships where the person does not 'need' them) I think this is to do with low esteem and the aspie not feeling good enough as they are because of the aspergers and feeling they have to bring something else (helping) to the relationship.

From what I've read, most people with DPD do have low self esteem. Part of the DPD is looking to others for validation, guidance, or approval, because they don't believe their own actions, thoughts, opinions or decisions are good enough. They are only "good enough" if someone else agrees. Many times, a person with DPD will change an opinion or decision based on what someone else says.

ETA; Probably the worst pairing for someone with DPD (aspie or not, but it's probably worse with AS involved) is someone with narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. They can be very manipulative and selfish, and the DPD would cause the effected partner to easily be manipulated into feeding the other person's ego or desires, even to the point of self neglect and lowering their already low self esteem. With a pair up like that, the DPD/AS partner could conceivable lose all image of "self" and become dependent on their partner to completely define who they are for them, and be utterly lost without them. It could create a situation of very unhealthy dependence.

That's BS and sexist! If a woman has no self-confidence and an inferiority complex then they can't attract a man.
With DPD than it can be torture. I fit almost all of the diagnosis criteria so I should know.

Sure they can attract a man. A certain type of man is attracted to women like that. My friend with DPD was married for a long time and they had a house full of kids. It's usually men who like to manipulate, or men who like to control who are attracted to them. I know in her case quite a few men have been attracted to her since her divorce but she's ran them all off with her clinginess and belief that the relationship was more than it was at the time. She's not going to be able to find a decent man until she is further along in her therapy and can stop a lot of the DPD behaviors.