I'm a 33 y/o male Asperger and I've never had a girlfriend

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jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:14 am

Psychlone wrote:
Unfortunately I can't help you, as I am a male in a similar position. I think many of us here are in the same boat. :(


women always say no thanks, i don't have time, and another one is "i'll give you my email" and never reply (not phone #)



jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:15 am

jman wrote:
have you any of ever considered getting professional help per your dating situation instead of coming on here and having a pity party?

First of all there a ton of resources for dating like books and websites. Askmen.com has a ton of helpful articles related to dating and sexuality. Their is also all kinds of books on dating.

Another option is consulting a psychologist on improving confidence, self esteem, and communication skills particulary with women. People with AS maybe born with deficets in skills, but it does not mean those skills can be learned.


of course i've read the books, and signed up for yahoo singles. i don't have much money at the moment.



jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:16 am

TheBladeRoden wrote:
same boat! *high five* 8)


a leftist I knew wanted me to join him to fight racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.

if i can't even get a gf and sex, i'll pass on save the world crusade.



jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:17 am

IcelandicGuy wrote:
I´m 25 and on the same boat as well. I think the only possibly way I can get a date is through the internet ´cause the biggest problem I have is not knowing how to show genuine interest and empathy with people in person.
I managed to contact a couple of women through a chatroom but I made the mistake of mentioning my AS and they lost interest. Then again how am I supposed to explain why I have never had a girlfriend, or a proper friend for that matter, at my age ?


a lot of seemingly interesting women do not live close to where i live.



jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:18 am

jman wrote:
alex,

I find askmen.com to be more helpful and insightful.


i've tried that kind of advice with books like men from venus and books on dating.

thus far ive found them useless.

women are not attracted to me.



jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:19 am

ELLCIM wrote:
IcelandicGuy wrote:
I´m 25 and on the same boat as well. I think the only possibly way I can get a date is through the internet ´cause the biggest problem I have is not knowing how to show genuine interest and empathy with people in person.
I managed to contact a couple of women through a chatroom but I made the mistake of mentioning my AS and they lost interest. Then again how am I supposed to explain why I have never had a girlfriend, or a proper friend for that matter, at my age ?


My experiences with online dating have been the worst of all my "dating" experiences. It's just a waste of money.


in my experience interest seems to peter out after several rounds of email.



jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:20 am

Stinkypuppy wrote:
IcelandicGuy wrote:
I´m 25 and on the same boat as well. I think the only possibly way I can get a date is through the internet ´cause the biggest problem I have is not knowing how to show genuine interest and empathy with people in person.
I managed to contact a couple of women through a chatroom but I made the mistake of mentioning my AS and they lost interest. Then again how am I supposed to explain why I have never had a girlfriend, or a proper friend for that matter, at my age ?


Mentioning AS is not a mistake. If they're not going to be accepting of AS now and up front, they're probably not going to accept it later. They'll just think that you hid the info from them on purpose.

Besides, if they don't like you for who you are, AS and all, then are they really worth keeping?


i disagree -- you want to initially present your best face like in a job interview. i don't think you should lie about it.



jonathandoors
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29 Oct 2006, 10:23 am

aleclair wrote:
Stinkypuppy wrote:
Besides, if they don't like you for who you are, AS and all, then are they really worth keeping?


Great point. If they run away from you because you say you have AS, then they're probably not mature enough to have a relationship with you.

Sometimes I wish I had the strength to tell people, "I have Aspergers Syndrome, and I behave the way I do socially not because I hate you, I'm not interested in you, etc... but because of AS" But maybe, in a high school setting, not saying anything is the best. People just aren't mature enough at my age to accept people's differences, to accept that everyone is individual... the pack mentality that killed off Cinna the Poet in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar (I've been waiting to use this reference!) is the norm at this age, as much as I try to deny it.

As for girlfriends, I am (sort of) in your situation. Save for fifth grade (does that count?), I've not had a proper girlfriend.

I feel, though, that I would not be saying this if I just knew how to determine whether a girl likes me or not. Because, in retrospect, I had a couple chances that I blew off.

if you tell prospective mates you are different they may lose interest.



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29 Oct 2006, 10:31 am

jonathandoors wrote:
if you tell prospective mates you are different they may lose interest.


If you're looking for a long-term relationship, then prospective mates are going to find out anyway that you are different.
As for your reply to my post, yeah you do want to show your best face, but not at the expense of showing the real you. If you don't show your real self, then your relationship is essentially based on a false perception of you, and the relationship will hit a dead-end eventually. Also, when you show your best face, don't assume that AS cannot be part of your best face. There are plenty of positive attributes associated with AS, and the key is to leverage these attributes to the best of your ability.



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29 Oct 2006, 12:16 pm

It is good to concentrate of the things that are easy to chance, with a bit of discipline.

* Do you dress the best way you can?
* Do you wear perfumes every time you go out?
* Do you have any bad habits that you can get rid of easily.
* Do you have a car
* Do you still live with your mother? Is it possible for you to move out?
* Do you have hobbies that consume too much time, maybe it is time to cut back on this?
* Money is a useful resource, so spend it wisely. Spend a quarter on candy, and that candy will take you a tiny bit in the direction you don’t want to go.
* Are you at your ideal weight, do you look better being fatter or skinner etc

All of these improve your situation before even having to jump into highly tactical social situations where you will get a case of information overload. But jumping into social situation is what you will have to do, like it or not.



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30 Oct 2006, 2:20 am

I feel that my biggest obstacle in meeting somebody is the fact that I am a full-time college student who will be a few years older than the traditional college student (I am 26, will be 27 in a couple of months). My fear is that the 18-22 year olds will think I am too old to date them, and the women closer to my age expect me to already have my college degree and be gainfully employed.

Tim


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Kosmonaut
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30 Oct 2006, 5:18 am

This is not an obstacle at all Tim.
When i was at university the mature students seemed to have no problems in getting dates with younger women.
It annoyed me that i never had any luck, while these old **** were going with girls 10 years younger than themselves.
The fact that you are slightly older must be used to your advantage. It makes you stand out from the crowd. To the younger students you are potentially more interesting than most of the men they have previously known. Peers their own age will either have to 'be' more interesting or 'work at it.' You achieve this status merely by being older.
The women closer to your age may be curious as to your situation, this is also grounds for attraction.



ooh_choc
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30 Oct 2006, 7:12 am

If you're an aspie male then the chances are you dress TERRIBLY!! ! As a meterosexual with very close female friends, who I talk to about this stuff, I can tell you that how you dress makes a huge difference to your sexual attractiveness to females. I can't stress this enough. If you dress horribly, most girls will glance at you and think "no way".

I suggest you get a dressy friend to help you out on this one. You cannot simply go to a store on your own and buy whatever you think looks good. That can go horribly wrong.

So here are two things that are gauranteed to improve your odds:
- learn to dress (assuming you have a dressy friend, and the money for some better clothes)
- build some muscle (assuming you have the time, diet and motivation to)

When you say you want a "hot" woman, you have to consider hot women want hot men. Like it or not, women almost unanimously care about clothes and muscle.



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30 Oct 2006, 7:54 am

ooh_choc wrote:
- build some muscle (assuming you have the time, diet and motivation to)


Older woman stop worrying about what their boyfriend body looks like and starts worrying about her own more. The gradual reduction in their looks as they age tends to do that to them.



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30 Oct 2006, 9:17 am

I care more about Buses.



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30 Oct 2006, 12:14 pm

All I can suggest is be calm, cool and casual as well as present yourself as much like your real self as possible. The things below are optional and up to you whenever or not you consider trying them.

* Think to yourself that you're very important and present a level of self-confidence and ego when you approach or talk but don't overdo it.
* Show a level of considerable respect to who you talk with and listen to what they have to say.
* Don't have a care in the world about how you'll be judged negatively (if they do reject or dismiss you).
* Practice speaking as clearly as possible alone at a mirror, as a fluent voice is very helpful.
* Try to dress accordingly and look clean and brush your hair, get/keep your teeth as white as possible and try to look naturally relaxed.

I know there's a chance you've tried these, but I hope any of this is of some help, and good luck 8)

I should note that the idea of this is to give some mental strategies to being a bit more open in your search and helps dissolve any concerns you may have. :)


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