NT girlfriend stressing out AGAIN

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What he said sounds like something I would say. What I would mean: I realise that I may not be exactly what you pictured in a relationship, and if you find it is too difficult to handle my Asperger traits, then I don't blame - I only want what's best for you.

I'm assuming that's what he means. As for your 'job' to guide him through the relationship, I think it could be harmful to think of it like that. Nobody's perfect, and certainly no couple is perfect. Both sides need to work to find their balance. Your relationship may seem different to NT-NT relationships, but if that's how it works, then go with it.

Thank you for your feedback. And MrSpock, I really like your blog.

One thing he keeps saying (and I realize this may not be the ideal place for this discussion, but bear with me for now) is that his AS is extreme. From my limited knowledge of both AS and our relationship, he seems to be very "mild", if anyone can be such a thing. I feel like browsing these forums has confirmed the suspicion for me.

AS is a spectrum and has something like 200 factors, right? So who determines what's extreme and what's not, and how do they do so?

The boyfriend and I keep hitting what seem to be small bumps in the road, and these bumps turn into long, arduous conversations... over things like, 'do we have enough in common?', 'how do we interact with each other's friends?'... questions that I've just never consciously asked in my other NT relationships. You just knew, somehow.

Ok. Ramble done.

Glad to hear it. If you want something specific, just pm me or something and I'll rustle something up, otherwise I'll just go on the way I have been.

I have found that I've needed clarification on points that NTs would instinctively know. Personally, I would want these long conversations so I could fully understand, but other people don't. Does 'the boyfriend' go on about things long after you've dropped it? I have been told I do, so I try and hold back - maybe telling him that might help. Now I ask people if I'm boring them if they seem disinterested (not the best trait I know, but [data in -> hypothesis -> prove or disprove] helps me learn).

Quite often I want to know the social protocol, but have no one to ask, so think of it that he's comfortable enough with you to admit he doesn't know what he's doing.

There's no real distinction between "mild" and "severe" Asperger's. If he were truly "severe" he would have been diagnosed as LFA (Low-Functioning Autism). LFA's are the "classic" autistics who are usually portrayed rocking back and forth and barely even responding to the world around them. Autistics who can function reasonably well within society and can communicate are labled as HFA (High-Functioning Autism) or Asperger's depending on the individual doctor's understanding of the DSM and various personal factors of the individual being assessed.

Beyond those classifications, it is all different. People have their areas where they can do well or learn to cope and areas where they fall flat or just can't understand. This is a highly individual thing and varies considerably from person to person.I think its rather presumptious of your boyfriend to say "they're all milder than me" because he doesn't know how hard it was for any person to get to this point or what challenges they've faced or what troubles they have in other areas. Maybe relationships is one of his problem areas and maybe some of us have learned how to deal with them or have a better personal aptitude for it. There's really no such thing as mild and severe (aside from LFA as mentioned above).. that's why its a spectrum disorder.


Really, it sounds to me like he is over-alanyzing everything. Autistics tend to do this. I do this myself frequently and go over every little detail and possible outcome and it helps to have someone with which do discuss it. (FYI I use terms like "Autistics" rather than "us" because I am not diagnosed with anything and am pretty high functioning so I don't presume to include myself in the autistic category although I do consider myself on the spectrum) You have to be careful with over-analyzing, though, because its possible to completely psych yourself out of the situation before anything really bad has even happened. However, you can't really stop an autistic from over-analyzing if they're stuck in that sort of mindset so the best thing for you to do might be just to talk it all out with him and try to help him find the answers he is looking for. MisterSpock's description of the conversations sounds accurate.

It's not your "job" to teach him, but if you want to be with him I'd assume you'd want him to learn and grow. If you don't want to be a teacher and he doesn't know enough to keep the relationship going on his own, you two may not be a good fit. Not trying to be negative here, just that each of you may have different needs and you need to be honest about what those needs are. You deserve to have your needs met as much as he does.

Thanks so much for your replies, guys... I think my biggest issue is that I'm a) nervous, and b) impatient. Myth posted a great reply this morning on my "I don't know how to handle shutdowns" thread... (I'll reply there soon).

I just hope I'm not the worst NT girlfriend.... I want to find a balance between supporting him and also making sure that I'm supported as well.

Thanks again.