Getting the right mindset : The First step

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I agree that's a personal preference and I can respect that but even without the sex, don't you ever want someone you can share your responsibilities, goals, dreams, burdens and struggles with?

How can other people handle rejection like nothing happened? If i get rejected I spend months trying to analyze where I went wrong. My problem-solving mind is great for technical things, but when there is no solution i get caught in a loop.

I think just about everyone requires some form of validation when it comes to being valued as a loving or creative person, people need to find validation and value in themselves in some form or another, we also have the need to relate to others. I'm not saying a relationship is a requirement but I think under the right circumstances, a relationship can be very beneficial.

The differences you mentioned are only inconvieniences, they can be worked around with mutual understanding in a relationship, two people can lead a very fulfilling relationship and find social acceptance and love from having a partner. We just need to approach relationships differently from the way NT people do so that the relationship can cater to our specific needs and difficulties.

again wolfheart, I like you are trying to help people here but this is just a bit too out there in optimism land. Ive been trying this out for many years to no avail.

Getting the right mindset : The First step

I wanted to make a positive or encouraging thread for the guys and girls that feel negative or trapped in a negative cycle. I'm not going to tell you to go out and buy an expensive suit or approach a thousand girls in a day but I am going to share some of what I have learned to break through that social anxiety and negative thought process, hopefully someone else will take something away from it.

- Forget the past, live in the here and now. It does not matter if your upbringing wasn't pleasant or you regret not taking enough action at that high school party. You are the master of your destiny and the present is all you have to act on. Stop waiting for the right time, stop waiting for that special moment when everything will fall into place, there will never be a better time than now so give it everything you have today to improve yourself. Find value in that you are defining and improving yourself in this moment instead of dwelling on failures of the past or letting them define you, stop worrying about what is in the past and start focusing on the now.

- Break through your social anxiety, realize that rejection is something that everyone must face and learning from mistakes is the only way anyone ever learns anything, even the most successful people have to face rejection of some kind. Realize that you aren't being watched or judged by millions, think to yourself "Is anyone going to care in a thousand years whether you got rejected or that you didn't do everything completely perfect" Of course they won't, do you think people look at successful people in history and define them by their failures or errors? Of course not, they look at their greatest works. Live life to your own expectations, did society take your first step in life? Of course not so why let society define you now? Be your own person and find value in that.

- Make Realistic goals and take progressive steps, live each day as a progression. Instead of comparing yourself to exaggerated media expectations, realize what is best for you and set small goals that you can achieve. If a Bricklayer constantly compared his work to the wall of China, of course he would feel negative and undermined, stop setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and beating yourself up over them. Success isn't going to come by sitting around, complaining about circumstances or how something is unfair, you need to act now.

- Never consider failure, once you make a decision to change yourself, put everything you have into it. Do not think for a moment that you'll fall short of your desires, otherwise fear will creep in and weaken your passion severely. Fear is the greatest enemy of human potential, if you are going to make a positive change or approach someone, of course you are going to feel nervous if you dwell on past rejections or negative outcomes, let go of the outcome and let go of expectations.

I could only get 35 seconds into that video before i had to stop it. Just watching that is painful...

I have to agree with this. Despite what I've said above, I have no doubt that wolfheart has the best of intentions. It's just that some of these things are impossible to do for some of us...

if you ever do get a relationship how on earth will you cope if she disagrees with you, wants a different dinner to you or makes any complaints about your behaviour? You need to try and build some inner strength and resilience.

I think you should really consider having hypnotherapy to increase your confidence and resilience as you will have so much difficulties in all areas of your life if you are so fragile you cant even watch that much of that video. How will you cope when your parents die? You really need to commit to strengthening yourself if you dont want to break down at some point.

I have to agree with this. Despite what I've said above, I have no doubt that wolfheart has the best of intentions. It's just that some of these things are impossible to do for some of us...

Ah, the usual two voices of dissent. This is exactly the sort of thing the OP is talking about - feedback loops, patterns of behaviour. "It won't work because it never has before." You've gone meta - not only have you convinced yourselves that every effort is going to fail (thus poisoning it before you start) but you've even convinced yourselves that any attempt to change this pattern is going to fail!

Sirs, I must applaud you. This is taking pessimism to the point of nihilism.

I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise. This would be like trying to knock down a wall by throwing lemon cheesecake at it. No matter how lemony sweet the cheesecake, that wall isn't going to budge. Instead, I'll suggest something else - learn to love failure. Hey, if you're going to live with it all your life anyway, you may as well enjoy it. Be a failure, but be a spectacular one. Don't just get rejected - aim high. Get rejected by someone really impressive, have a friend photograph the whole thing, then parade your failure on Facebook. Getting turned down by a celebrity is more than many ever manage. You've got nothing to lose.

If you find the idea of making an arse of yourself in this fashion bothers you, then you've not hit bottom yet. Keep diving, you'll get there soon. You're already convinced you're a failure so why should you be embarrassed about it? Isn't it obvious already to you and everyone else? Or has some corner of your persona not yet given up?

Confidence is worrying about doing something scary, and doing it anyway. On the far side of self-hatred and fear there is anti-confidence, where you don't worry about anything because you no longer care.

I hate, hate, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE the idea of being a "pick-up artist." To the point that I won't listen to anything with the PUA label. To me, "pick-up artist" implies lying about who you are, how much you make, etc. with the primary goal of getting someone to sleep with you.