A friend taking over

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I think that it was suggested that he was gaslighting by another member, because he was denying having said things that she could remember him saying, or he was saying that she and he had said things that she did not remember. The fact that she absolutely didn't remember those things suggests that he is possibly lying, and that he is suggesting that she can't remember because of her own mental/memory problems. If this is what he is doing--purposefully trying to make her feel crazy or mentally deficient because he's claiming that things happened in reality (like talking) that never happened, then that would be gaslighting. I agree that the argument for gaslighting is weak though--because it's also possible she is blocking memories out because of stress or trauma.

As for the destroying physical property, that can be a symptom of abuse. Non-battery abuse isn't easy to identify based on one incident. But one has to look for a pattern of coercion or control.

Destroying property can be a technique used by abusers to control their victim through fear. It communicates to most people, that the person is dangerous--and physically violent.

For example, if you were to tell me that you wanted to go out to dinner, and I didn't want to--and you were to start crying--and then I took a hammer and started knocking apart one of our shared possessions because I was angry--then I might be doing this because I knew that you would stop asking to go out to dinner for fear. If this is my intention, then it's only a step away from taking the hammer, or my fist, to you. Using fear and violence in order to manipulate another person, and doing it repeatedly in a pattern, is abusive behavior--even if it's not direct physical violence to your body.

But, these are just warning signs for abuse. To really understand if she's in an abusive relationship, she needs to learn about what abuse is--how it works, and then see if she can identify a pattern in her relationship of coercion and control via violent outbursts or other emotional abuse tactics.

Destroying an object, in itself, does not make someone an abuser. It's a pattern of manipulating and coercing another person--through the threat of some kind of harm, physical or psychological.

Agreed, and this is what I don't see in any of her posts. The problem, as I see it, is that people are equating "This can be used by abusers" with "this is exclusively used by abusers." It's in your reply to me as well, "These are just warning signs for abuse", implying that because apparent warning signs are there, therefore he must be an abuser. But he may just have anger issues - they may not be warning signs of abuse at all.

As for the gaslighting thing, if he is deliberately messing with her mind by doing things and then denying them to control her, then yes, he is gaslighting her. But I don't see any evidence of him actually trying to control her - just an angry argument because they have two different recollections of what happened, and both sincerely believe their version is the correct one.

I'm not trying to rule out the possibility he is an abuser, but I think people are jumping to conclusions.

Things are better now, luckily, he now asks if he/we should see L and L stopped inviting himself constantly. I do see a different issue now, he puts pressure on my bf to come to the place of some lad even though my bf doesn't have time. "you'll study there". L couldn't talk longer on chat because the bus to the city only goes one time per hour and said my bf should say if he'd come to that guy's place or he wouldn't go. (we were supposed to eat together with a group, and the guy is a guest of a professor and doesn't have phone here, so someone has to talk to him in person to tell about the dinner plans)

It's of course ridiculous to not go to that guy alone. He doesn't need my bf to bring a visit to the guest, and shouldn't put pressure on him to do things, it crosses some decency line. My bf isn't his dog or slave, he clearly said he's too busy. However, he fell to the pressure and agreed to come with L to the appartment of the guest.

He was annoyed and clearly didn't want to go, and I asked him what'd be worse, work delay or L getting a bit crossed at him for not being his slave. Apparently he preferred not to get L pissed. (sheesh, why would you be pissed in the fist place if someone says he doesn't have time for something you can do perfectly on your own)

Now L is coming to my bf's house (where I'm most of the time), my bf is now getting him. He invited himself on the phone.

I said I didn't understand L and his strange act of putting pressure on my bf for something totally trivial. My bf then said: you can discuss this with L later then, because I won't do it.

So now I can resolve his issues with him and get the rage of L because it seems that, if I ask, that I was the one strongky objecting and annoyed even though it was my bf who got stressed by the pressure. I think that was kinda lame.

I said he now can do anything for him just not to get him pissed because apparently that's the worst thing ever. He had to agree. And now I feel slightly annoyed that he'll come to my/our room because he doesn't have an appartment or something like that, just two rooms.

It annoys me that his inappropriate behavior is now getting rewarded with a visit here because the guest wasn't home (he's here for two months, my bf'd go in a minute, just before L rang that he isn't there). I believe obeying to this type of pressure makes him believe he can pull such things off all the time. And it makes it harder for my bf or me to not obey to that pressure because it'd look weird if he/I'd suddenly stand up for myself and commit the sin of getting L angry.

He does brag often about how he publically humiliated people who said something stupid (according to him) or how he said f**k you or called them names. He also likes to gossip so I can imagine my bf may fear that.

Ah well, he's talking in Chinese to his girlfriend now in China via Skype and it feels like an invasion of my space, because I'm used to it here being a private zone. That's more my issue. I really dislike him being here and feel like walking away but that's my problem. The behavior however is pretty bad.

I'm overreacting because it's stressing me out.