NT in need of advice and opinions

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Thanks WaityKaite- it's funny, when you are in this situation, you end up beating yourself up because you feel you're not being understanding enough, and you see it throughout forums and when talking to the person that you're in the relationship with, that you're not understanding them etc etc etc, but then when you reveal your attempts at being understanding etc, it seems you're being a doormat and are being taken advantage of, then you get to beat yourself up for the complete opposite reason!! it's almost impossible to know what to think sometimes! certainly in real life, some friends are on the brink of falling out with me over it as they just don't understand it!

Sinkorswim: I don't think anyone here is trying to "beat you up" these forums can be blunt at times but mostly with good intentions. Of course the ultimate decision is yours but trust that you can get honest opinions here. And usually the comments are not 'at you' but at the situation.

Ilovemyaspie- yeah no problem, I completely get that I mean more about people in real life who don't fully understand the situation, who get angry at me for being a doormat. I am very grateful for everyone's advice here- I came here for straight answers and opinions, and I'm CERTAINLY not about to take anything personally

Good deal

Yes. I've been there. One group over here insisting he's scum and I should drop him like a hot potato. Another group over there pitying me because I must have been just that desperate to be his slut. Another group disdaining me because they assumed I was trading sex for professional favors. Another group thinking I was delusional and just imagined the whole thing. A jealous ex-boyfriend who did all he could to fuel all of the above rumors so as to destroy my reputation. Mom telling me to stick with him, but asking for his address, in case maybe Grandpa with his shotgun and his doberman could make the point more clearly.

I was drowned in negative noise - and all I had to counter it was memories of a zillion tiny moments that did not quite add up, and his small, sad, boyish voice on the phone, putting up little resistance when I told him I had to break it off. It was a tough judgment call with very little information under impossible social pressure, and at age 23, I zigged when I should have zagged. Not being aware of the social context, he has beaten me up about it repeatedly in recent years (although that's more or less resolved by now).

Bottom line, someone was going to be upset no matter what I did. Instead of looking out for me, and him - the only two people who mattered - I caved in to the groupthink, and ruined both our lives. Lesson learned: ask questions, gather data and feedback and input, but when it's decision time, do what is right for ME, and to hell with everyone else.

You're right, you should do what is right for you and noone else. People can be well-meaning but the only ones who really understand the relationship are the two of you. Just make sure you do treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve.

Okay, so I took the advice given, I emailed explaining that I was very happy with the relationship & effort they were making etc, but that I didn't know exactly why he suddenly started making the effort (it started suddenly for no apparent reason, so in theory, I always fear it could end just as suddenly) and I expressed that I would like them not to pursue any other intimate relationships (and why).

I got a fairly blunt response explaining that he started making an effort simply because he began to understand how to get on with people better after an AS diagnosis, and that he wanted to hang out with me because I caused him less stress than others, and that is how he 'rates' or chooses to spend time with one person over another. He had 'suspected' that I wanted more than a friends relationship, but feels that I am not getting the sense of individuality and indispensability that comes from a more 'romantic' relationship, and thus that I might be SAYING that I'm happy, but that I'm clearly not.

I have left it and tried to carry on just hanging out because I don't want to have more upsetting conversations on the topic, but he's been cold and uncommunicative since :-/

He generally says he doesn't do relationships because he is bad at them and has failed so many times in the past, but it feels like a proper relationship in every aspect other than exclusivity.

What I am struggling to understand, is the idea that to him everyone is pretty much the same, just more, or less stressful. Is that a common perception? and doesn't that kill any chance of forming any kind of relationship from the outset?

This is how I feel, too, in my more "Aspie" periods, and generally because of this:



which at times has made me feel like I'm staring a monolith of misunderstanding and a continual cost/benefit analysis of my efforts...

It takes constant effort to do things on an NT level, to be that present and mindful, always (because the "normal" way of relationship development is so completely unnatural to many of us).

I know that's probably disconcerting to hear, but look at it this way: humans *are* more or less the same, and minute variables make it so we can hate some and love others and be indifferent to a whole vast majority. What your preferences and comfort levels are makes you unique and makes other people "more stressful or less stressful" to you, NT or Aspie.

Okay yeah that makes sense- it just feels like 'least stressful person' does negate a lot of qualities that I had hoped may be significant in a relationship- such as being a good person, being interesting, being entertaining etc, but I guess in some way, perhaps they do fit into the generalities of decreased stress. Ultimately though, the least stressful person to be around would surely be someone who didn't actually say/do anything? hence it seems a little counter to a human's desire to feel in some way individual?

Anyway- often conversations come to a stand off, where basically I want to discuss something, and he doesn't. I say it makes me stressed if I can't talk something over when I need, he says it makes him feel stressed to talk about some things. So, we end up 2 people, wanting opposing things. In such situations, it is my belief that the one with the greater need should get what they need (to some degree).

So- I might be reeeeeeeeeeally upset about something, and want to talk it out, but he may feel a bit grumpy and not want to, but not realise the impact that that has on me, or vice versa, he may be feeling VERY stressed in general, and I might want to muse over something that he doesn't enjoy talking about, and I, not knowing the impact on him, might insist on having the conversation.

I was thinking of a system to overcome this- if we have a 'stress' rating scale, and at such stand off, give a number between 0-10 to denote how important it is that our wishes are granted at that time, so that we can work out who has the greater need, and resolve things fairly.
Obviously, it requires a lot of trust, but I thought it might help in communication? does that sound like a good or bad idea?

I think that sounds like a GREAT idea. It puts a tangible "worth/stress level" to something. But be cautious, it's also open to manipulation (someone who doesn't like to talk about things may label every attempt to talk to them as a '10' on the stress scale, even if you want to discuss something innocuous like brand of toilet paper).

Good yeah I was thinking of giving the levels descriptions, so with '10' being a deal breaker, sort of thing, so that the implications are understood as well.

Thanks if you know of any useful communication tools, then please share

You care about him enough to start up this stress level rating system with him, and that's admirable.

I have to play devil's advocate a little here and ask, are you willing to be his "trainer" throughout the remainder of a romantic relationship with him? Will you get tired of playing that role, and on top of that never knowing if he will ever be interested in exclusivity regardless of everything you put into the relationship?

It sounds like you are pinning your hopes pretty high there. There's nothing wrong with having such hope, but you really sound like you are interested in a monogamous relationship and he's unwilling to provide that at this time. I was once dating a guy who was also seeing other women and had said previously that he wasn't interested in a bf/gf relationship. When I started developing deeper feelings for him, I approached him again about being exclusive, at least for a short while, and he again said that wasn't what he was looking for. I ended our physical relations at that point, because I knew that if I persisted I would start causing problems in our relationship while hoping that he would change his mind, and I was just setting myself up for major heartbreak in the long run.

Ah, the slow burn approach.

I agree with this. He said he doesn't "do relationships" yet it seems like you are hoping to get him into one. Its great you are trying to "jump through hoops" for him hoping he will change his mind but like NicoleG says you might be setting yourself up for heartbreak. Usually at a certain point in peoples lives they know what they want and what they don't. Not saying people can't change but you have to take people at their word. I think as NT's we feel that some crazy/wonderful emotion will come over that person and we'll be the one that "beaks the mold" and changes everything. Anything is possible but if someone says they don't "do relationships" then its best to go with that unless/until they say otherwise. I wish I had more positive advice but, this is how I see it.