A little advice?

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But that's just it. We don't know that it's consensual or mutual. We think he's using her, but don't know for certain. And he's being called a loser, among other things, because of it. We know she's planning on using him, she said so herself, and she gets a free pass. Not cool.

Don't want to associate myself with the misogynistic views some members here express. But when they talk about harsher standards being applied to men, this is the kind of thing they're referring to.

If it's a matter of logistics, information supply is very important there. If she has made a decision, but intentionally fails to inform him about it for months, she's being deceitful. Instead of suddenly having no place to go now, he'll suddenly have no place to go in a few months, and he'll be kept around as an ignorant cuck houseservant until then. If I were in his position, I'd go from being unpleasantly surprised to being positively homicidal if I found out I'd been lied to and used for months.

My problem with waiting till the end of the summer is that your kids will just get that much more attached to him and that's not right.

Well, it is and it isn't. If he's enough of a twat to use her, using him in return isn't really doing anything of virtue for her is it.
In this case she's just as bad as he.

I don't think either of them are "bad." I think they are incompatible, and more importantly, human. Falling short of perfection is the human condition. Show me one person who is as pure as the driven snow. I see a lot of complaints on WP about NTs being viciously judgmental, but there's plenty of that to go around. Fundamentalist preachers don't spew as much hellfire and brimstone as I've seen here. News flash: to some degree or other, people mostly suck. Isn't that what the L&D forum is all about? Finding a partner whose suckiness is compatible with our own?

Furthermore, it's irrelevant. "Am I an evil, worthless human being?" wasn't the question. Anyone who chooses the nic "amiselfish" is already feeling insecure and conflicted about the situation she, rightly or wrongly, now finds herself in. Already under intense mental pressures, she came to a support forum for input on how to navigate a complex situation. She got a few thumbs up, and then got eviscerated. She's almost certainly already doing it to herself and doesn't need help with it. I hope she got what she was looking for and left, because kicking someone while they're down isn't going to help.

Here I am - pure as snow, though that's narcissism talking. But, in all seriousness, there's a difference between not being perfect and intentionally using someone for your own benefit, only letting him go after months of unpaid labour. That's not what I'd call 'not perfect'. That's what I'd call 'intentionally cruel', and it's not helping him or the children - it's just helping her, as she can do other things while he's looking after the children.



To be honest, I didn't notice that name until you pointed it out. I thought it was 'amisel-fish'. Regardless, it seems she is one of the people you see around on forums and on the internet all the time - occasionally on this forum, too - asking a question, knowing the answer, and just wanting others to agree so it feels morally justified when they do something they're in moral doubt about - and very rightfully so. I'll step out of that normative role and tell her I wouldn't find that morally acceptable. Yes, she should break up with him, but right now, and not after months of him being misled and abused for her benefit.

Yep but ... they should be making plans to become independant, making arrangements to that effect within a reasonable timeframe. I don't understand how he can be conservative and sit around smoking weed and not working all day, either. Not that I haven't seen that a bazillion times but I'll never understand people living off their spouses or parents while bitching about the poor and complaining about social programs.

He should be applying for social assistance or trying to get on disability at least, not leeching off her because his ideology prevents him from getting on assistance and he's got other reasons for not getting work, sorry but it's going to have to be one of those two eventually, no matter how you look at it. He's going to have to suck it up and get a job or get on assistance of some sort. She's got kids to support.

Yes. I agree with this, and this was the major objection I had to their current situation. Plus, I chimed in before she presented her childcare issue, but I agree with everyone that she should NOT use him, even if he were the best caregiver, ever (which obviously he cannot be, with his weed habit). Mutual "usage" does not cancel out the general sh*ttiness of the act, in general.

So I spent the weekend thinking about it and decided that I'm going to hang in there a little longer. I decided I'm going to do what I'm going to do and if he doesn't like it then that's his problem. If I ask him to go somewhere with me and he doesn't want to go I'll go with a friend instead or go alone and try not to get in that place in my head that tells me it means something about me or the way he feels about me. Part of my problem is letting him get under my skin with his crap which we talked about in detail over the weekend and it actually seems better. I decided I am going to find me again and if he doesn't like me the way I am then that's his problem. I won't let the moodiness get to me. I started doing that this weekend and we both seemed to feel better with things that way.We got along well most of the weekend.

I don't hate pot, I don't think people who smoke pot are bad people or irresponsible and I truly believe it is medicinal for a lot of people. I just don't want to pay for it for someone else when I'm already broke and supporting kids on my own. Same goes for cigarettes minus the medicinal part.

Sometimes I can look at it like he's a stay at home "insert word" but the problem is I didn't agree to that in the outset. One of my kids has extreme behavior problems from being raised by a single mom who was never home and worked 3 jobs so the "him watching my kids" part is more important than someone with family or friends who help out could ever understand. They need supervision this summer and most people couldn't deal with the oldest one's behavior. He has a prospect for some work that will be great for him so I'm encouraging that. He is a hard worker when he works. Sometimes people who seem incompatible are actually a good balance for eachother because one doesn't have what the other does and together they make a better whole.

I don't feel good about using him either, whether he's using me or he really loves me and is just in a bad place right now remains to be seen. If things improved between us I wouldn't be using him but he really does earn his keep by watching kids and cleaning up and most of the time he seems like he's really trying to make it work. I think past bad experiences and fear makes you react to the negative thoughts in your head as if they were reality. I decided to try doing things differently and see if that changes the dynamics and makes things better. Whoever it was who said he might not have anywhere to go had it right also. I told him to leave last week and he asked for a few days to find a place to go. Eventually it faded away as if it had never been said. We'll see how things go for a few weeks and if it doesn't get any better then we'll cross that bridge then. I'm definitely not innocent in this, no one is ever 100% without blame. It's just a complicated situation.