Is it the Aspergers or is he a player?

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deltafunction; yeah I know.

If you'd quoted my whole message you'd see that I said humans are fallable and if he's trying to do right, give him a second chance.

Some further thoughts:

1) It may be scary to him to have proposed marriage after having been less committed in previous relationships. I never had an affair, and I wasn't particularly active with involvements with other women before I was with my girlfriend. (This is my first relationship, and it began when I was 32. We've been together almost 12 years, now.) Still, I was scared to be in something I had no experience with, and I worried I wouldn't be able to commit for that simple reason. I didn't know if I could be monogamous, not because I really wanted anyone else, but because I was so close to running away regardless. I'm very lucky I didn't just disappear on her back then. It would've been the biggest mistake of my life, and only knowing that gave me the courage to stay.

2) He may have surprised himself. I've sometimes made commitments to things because I was sure I'd be glad to do whatever it was, and then gotten cold feet. If I keep to a commitment, I end up being glad. But I can have a delayed reaction of anxiety. I often have delayed emotional responses to things in general, and it's still a surprise to me when it happens. It feels like suddenly getting hit with something.

3) He may have on/off emotions. I certainly do, and I can get very enthusiastic and then go completely in the opposite direction for some reason. I try to be balanced about this, but it takes intellectual effort. On/off emotions may have affected him in various ways in this situation. This could be kind of complex here.

4) Before I understood enough about myself to deal with these things, I was at their mercy. I had to become aware and then be willing to do the hard work of improving myself before things could get any better. I may always have these problems, though, so I must face what that means and never let up on myself about them. If he wants to make this, or any, relationship work, my guess is that he'll probably have to learn to be the same way.

So, to conclude, no, Asperger's is not an excuse for bad behavior. It can, however, be a contributing factor. Yes, people are imperfect and make mistakes, regardless of whether Asperger's is part of the picture or not. But I think that, for everyone, life involves doing your best with what you're capable of and what you know each time something comes up that involves decision making. We might be able to do better over time, but we'll sometimes stumble around as we try. It's our own responsibility to handle this, and others have a right to respond to our words and actions in whatever way is true and reasonable for them. We can try to help each other, but we must each make our own effort and then answer for ourselves in the end. Maybe I'm starting to sound a little preachy here, and I apologize for that. It's just that these things have been on my mind lately. I only mean to express where I'm coming from. I'd rather offer whatever help I can in figuring things out than try to judge or predict. I don't know how things will work out in my life, never mind anyone else's. I just do my best and hope for the best. And I hope for the best for others, as well.

Sorry, thewhitrbbit, I realized afterwards that my post pretty much had nothing to do with what you had said

Just to let everyone know I have read all the replies and they have helped so much. I have been really busy but will try to reply in detail tonight. I can't tell you how much this forum helps me and means to me. Thank you all.

Anyone can be a player even if they have AS

Okay, here we go. Yes, I agree that AS is not an excuse for bad behavior. It's the fact that he has not gone through with anything other than contacting them and talking about possibly meeting them, which hurt me greatly. He seems genuinely upset that he has hurt me and has taken drastic measures to assure me that it won't happen again. The reason I ask is because there is something about his demeanor and something in his explanations that makes me feel that it has something to do with the way his brain works...like he didn't realize what he was doing was crossing a line. I have given him another chance. I am just doing everything I can to try and understand him. As for if he really is Aspie or not ...he is. He has been tested and I have seen the results. The only thing that was outwardly obvious at first was the fact he was so literal and did not get sarcasm at all. He seems to be really trying to make things right and I just hope it last. Someone mentioned cold feet especially when things come up he doesn't know how to handle. That really sounds like him a lot. I do think his Aspie traits contributed in part but not the whole and he now knows that it better never happen again. I expect him to treat me as I treat him. I love him and I have no need for attention from any other guy. I'll update as needed. Thank you all and I hope my reply isn't too jumbled! lol

Well as long as he sees his mistake and is trying to fix it, then it was probably an honest mistake. I mean everyone makes mistakes don't they? Sometimes people don't realise it can affect or hurt others. Now that he knows that isn't accepted, I doubt he'll do it again. It sounds like he is trying quite hard to make it work with you. It's a good thing that you made it clear to him that it upset you and now he sees that what he did was wrong. At least he now knows what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. I think sometimes those types of things need to be made clear which I'm glad you did . As long as he makes you happy and you're both happy then that's all that matters isn't it? It would definately be a good thing to read as much as you can about Asperger's so that you can understand how he works and how it affects him so that you don't have misunderstandings in the future to make it easier to connect with eachother and keep working at it with eachother. If you need any book recommendations, leave me a message and I'll be happy to help you

I don't understand the nature of his sin.

Why did he want to meet an ex? Talk and meeting could have an explanation. Setting uo a romantic date is, of course, different.

I've met exes on some occasions without being in a romantic context... the reasons being professional advice to someone I felt comfortable talking to...

On another note, I find flirting to be easier than being on a relationship. Flirting is a ritual, it's predictable. Get fit, be interesting (able to talk about books, I love literature), good restaurant and wine. No real empathy is required... I have some steps ready and Im really good at it.

Relationships however... when empathy, compromising, loss of alone time come into play... ugh, I suck.

mike_br, I'm the opposite, I guess. I can't tell if someone is flirting with me, and I've apparently hurt at least one person's feelings by being so clueless. I don't know how to flirt well, so I either don't do it at all, or I risk being overbearing. I eventually had to decide not to flirt at all, and I'm so glad to be in a relationship so that it's not an issue anymore. I can study up on good relationship behavior, get insights from others, and practice trying out what I learn. I like to be attentive and having someone to take good care of. Besides, being part of a couple makes all other socializing easier. We go out and function as a team. Then we come home and process the whole thing later, to whatever extent we need to. I've really learned a lot that way. I feel much more lost and confused when I go out alone.

I'm kind of curious, BrenJB, what measures your guy has taken to correct things, if you don't mind saying. Also, if you need more resources, try this page of my Website: The Cabinet. Just scroll down until you get to the Asperger's / Autism part.

I'm not good at it either. But usually, when a woman come to me and asks me out for dinner or a drink, alone at night... well. Or, better, "I want to go out with you" (gotta love modern times) ;D

When I said I was good at it, I meant more once the game began.

Taking someone to dinner, talk alittle bit about the wine, but not too much... a little bit about the food on the restaurant... compliment something on the girl (hair, smile, whatever)... asks what she likes, pick a topic (almost everyone have a not so boring topic) and let her speak about it...

See, there's a formula here that's not too difficult. I really mastered this part (I think). Unless she wants to go wherever dancing is involved, I'm fine. I'm too clumsy to learn anything more than "generic shaking alone" at nightclubs.

No, it would have been romantic/sexual in nature. It wasn't innocent. I am not the jealous type at all but I am also not the type that puts up with attempted cheating.

[quote="MindWithoutWalls"

I'm kind of curious, BrenJB, what measures your guy has taken to correct things, if you don't mind saying. Also, if you need more resources, try this page of my Website: The Cabinet. Just scroll down until you get to the Asperger's / Autism part.[/quote]

Before I even agreed to date him again and during the time period I wouldn't talk to him he deleted his FB, Twitter and all girls from his contacts in his phone. When I did finally talk to him again I still said no to getting back together because I was unsure if it would happen again. He said he could assure me and sent over his contacts and said he deleted FB and Twitter. I asked when he did that (he obviously didn't have enough time during the conversation to delete the contacts) and he said the day after I left because no matter what happened with us that he didn't need them any more. I never even hinted that he should do any of those things and he is trying very hard to be open with me which is hard for him.

Wow. That does sound like he means it. It's of the same nature as other things I've done in other kinds of situations - same level of seriousness. Just not about the same kind of issue. My experience tells me his actions may also have doubled as a self-punishment, though, so be mindful about this sort of reaction from him about things in the future. I do see why you've given him a second chance, though. Sounds like the two of you need time to take things slowly. He may have rushed himself. Time will tell how the two of you will really fare together. Good luck!

I can't stress enough;

COMMUNICATE!!

Let him know what you're feeling and why - this is serious enough to consider leaving him so you'd both better seriously discuss it.

DO NOT bear this in silence - it'll only start turning into other negative feelings, emotions or actions.

If that's you in the pic, he'd be insane to cheat on a perfect 10! Sheesh.... [grumblemuttersomepeople'skidsgrumble]

Sometimes when a guy acts as dumb as a post it's just because he was thinking with one.