NT chooses AS

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IlovemyAspie
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10 Jun 2012, 11:22 am

OliveOilMom wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

In defense of the term "my Aspie" I'll explain why I use it: Most posters here have AS, or at least suspect that they have it, after all this is Wrong Planet. As an NT I am an outsider though I have never been treated as such, quite the contrary. Without checking my profile you won't know if I'm NT or what. Sure you can speculate but I could be in an AS/AS relationship. My love interest is not my "bf" nor my "husband". For the sake of my posts I refer to him as "my Aspie" or my "AS guy". It's easier than saying "the guy that I like that has AS". If we were in public I would not introduce him as an my Aspie. It is strictly for this forum. I have never had anyone say anything negative about it, so I continue to use those terms. I have been made to feel at home here. And if you notice, I refer to my self as an "NT" because that's what I am. I tread lightly sometimes because this isn't my home planet and I don't want to offend anyone.

I wasn't talking about your user name, or the way that people here usually refer at least once in their posts to who has or doesn't have AS. Let me send you a PM to explain please.

For the record, I knew OOM wasn't referring to me or my user name. With that said, just wanted you to know she and I had it out in the PM arena( :lol:

) and everything is great, no hurt feelings here!

ShamelessGit
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10 Jun 2012, 1:39 pm

I don't understand this stuff about who should compromise what. I'm in a relationship and we both do everything we can for each other. We don't ask for compromises 'cause we already do every single thing we can, and we let the other partner know if there is something me he/she can do. I would think if you love someone that doing everything in your power for them would be the default and you wouldn't need some sort of extra incentive. But I'm AS with an AS partner, so I don't have the same difficulties. When I was still interested in NT partners, my only expectations were to be told what was expected of me and to take everything I said at face value.

OliveOilMom
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10 Jun 2012, 2:13 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

OliveOilMom wrote:

.....

You know, like a romantic version of a charity case.

I'm not saying you're doing that. Not at all. I'm just telling you my opinion.

?

My sister choose to marry a man that she knew would need a liver transplant in the next decade. When a future complication is known, of course you have to "choose." And when you love someone, you choose them regardless of all known complications. It isn't like they go around looking for a charity case, or take pity on the person and marry them for that reason. It is that you start daring someone, realize you really really really like them, learn some complicating factors, aren't willing to stop being with them and so keep dating them, learn more about what those complications mean as things get more serious, and realize that since you do love this man, now you've got to decide if that love will be enough to get you through those complications.

What I told my sister before she married her man is that every marriage has complications, she just happens to know one of her big one's upfront, unlike the rest of us who find them thrust upon us.

Since AS is the condition of the moment in media, of course someone who finds out the guy they are daring has AS is going to wonder what it would mean in a marriage. The job of dating is to visualize your future together, and decide if it will meet your needs.

I understand where you are coming from DW, I do. However, the post came across to me like "Some of my best friends are aspies!"

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Berrygirl
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10 Jun 2012, 2:58 pm

I'm in a new relationship with one and we're getting on great! There was one wee indicident (I mentioned here) where our personalities clashed but it seems like we understand each other even better now. Anyway, these men can't be defined solely by their Asperger's, at the end of the day they're all unique men in their own right.

ToughDiamond
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10 Jun 2012, 5:20 pm

Lorann wrote:

what I want to know is: are there other NT’s that CHOSE relationships with their Aspies?

I would say that all NTs chose relationships with their Aspies, whether they were diagnosed or not. Everybody gets the chance to look at the person they're considering a relationship with, and if they don't feel they're compatible, they don't have to commit. I think some people latch onto a partner they don't really feel suited to, but hope to change, so to them a DX could suggest that making them over isn't an option, but I don't think trying to make people over works on anybody..........nor do I think we're particularly inflexible people. Just like NTs, some of us are jerks, most of us aren't.

waitykatie
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11 Jun 2012, 8:12 am

I more or less chose a relationship with my AS guy. We first met 16 years ago, had a romance for about a year, and then life took us away from each other. But we are now in a position to stay together, as we should have from the start. I knew he was different from day 1, but I did not know about AS until recently. As far as I know, he still has no idea.

Our feelings for each other remain as strong as ever. But, as I learned more about AS, I had a good long think about whether I would be prepared to commit to him for life. Our relationship back then was like nothing I'd ever experienced, and would probably be so again. Things I am used to with NTs would be absent. But that includes bad things too. He also has many amazing, positive qualities that NTs don't.

And, I fell madly in love with him before I knew anything about autism or some guy named Asperger. I never mourned or felt grief. It was more like shock: this incredible, ferocious, sweet, enigmatic, intimidating, wildly successful guy has a disability? Well, there was that time when . . . and that other time when . . . oooooh. He literally didn't know what to say or do. So, shock - followed by guilt. It changes expectations - for the better, more realistically - but not who he is, or how I feel. Besides, he thinks I'm the one with a disability. Makes sense! We have complementary strengths and weaknesses, and that's all. So long as we appreciate and respect them, I think that's a good foundation for lasting happiness.

Lorann wrote:

I want to embrace and develop our relationship. I just need some guidance that doesn't expect me to let him do whatever he wants and change everything about me. It feels like they are advocating just maintaining a ‘pleasant’ home for him (so as to avoid meltdowns) and getting all of my other needs met by friends and family.

Yes. This irks me too. One one hand, the contemporary social expectation that our romantic partner is supposed to fill every role is unrealistic and sets people up for failure. No one can be all things to all people all the time. Learning about AS and his needs and limitations has actually made me think more about mine, and more assertive about setting boundaries. It's also made me consider that some things he can't do, are things I don't really need. There is still no one else I'd rather spend time with.

Quote:

Secondly, if all of my social/emotional needs are to be met by others, why would I want/need my Aspie?
There must be a way to strike a balance. I know that I need to limit my expectations but I refuse to discard them entirely. I also know I need to adjust my way of communicating as well. I am working on clear, concise, and concrete. Specifying that I want to do x at y time for z long goes against my ‘girls don’t ask boys’ upbringing (lol) but I am getting better at it.

^ ^ ^ This!

ToughDiamond
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11 Jun 2012, 9:39 am

waitykatie wrote:

Things I am used to with NTs would be absent. But that includes bad things too. He also has many amazing, positive qualities that NTs don't.......................he thinks I'm the one with a disability.

You mean like this?

http://isnt.autistics.org/

More seriously, what are the things about NTs than you don't like?

waitykatie
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11 Jun 2012, 10:17 am

ToughDiamond wrote:

You mean like this?

http://isnt.autistics.org/

That's great! :lol:

And seriously, very useful - I've bookmarked it for further review. That is how my guy sees people in general. With me, it's just been a moment here or there, when I sense that he's wondering how stupid I really am. Sometimes he can be condescending or overprotective, but I don't mind. I think it's sweet. Sometimes the things he seeks to protect me from are silly. Sometimes they are weak spots I've spent most of my life insisting I don't have. He sees weaknesses and vulnerabilities in me that others don't, or dismiss as petulance, or just react in an unhelpful, judgmental manner.

Quote:

More seriously, what are the things about NTs than you don't like?

Many of the same things Aspies don't like: dishonesty, inconstancy, lack of compassion, needless cruelty, etc. The difference is, I tend to be more lenient and understanding, due to the theory of mind thing. Everyone is a little screwed up and does/says hurtful things sometimes. My guy takes it very personally and can become explosively, unjustifiably angry. I can accept it because I can usually identify the reason for it. But I don't like people much more than he does. I've said that he hates people because he doesn't understand them, whereas I hate them because I do.

ToughDiamond
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11 Jun 2012, 3:32 pm

waitykatie wrote:

Everyone is a little screwed up and does/says hurtful things sometimes. My guy takes it very personally and can become explosively, unjustifiably angry. I can accept it because I can usually identify the reason for it.

I know that sensitivity well, mostly in relationships. It's probably the main reason why I fear getting close to partners. That's the price tag. What the rest of the world sees as small beer can be awfully serious for an Aspie.

Quote:

dishonesty, inconstancy, lack of compassion, needless cruelty, etc.

If you can see all that, I suspect you stand a good chance with your Aspie.

Quote:

But I don't like people much more than he does.

The common foe, yes that should help.
Though I prefer to see my own negative attitude to people as distrust rather than outright dislike.....the difference is subtle, but it feels less final somehow. And frankly the people I've known who have done me the most harm have been in a lot of pain themselves.

Lorann
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11 Jun 2012, 4:46 pm

Thank you all for providing me with insight

I apologize if my "what I want to know is: are there other NT’s that CHOSE relationships with their Aspies?" quote caused confusion. I simply meant that the books I have read are about established relationships to which a dx is added. Ours has the dx already provided and I don't need to be surprised/relieved/grieved or any other of a myriad of emotions to 'find out'. I just wanted the prespective of someone who knew going into the relationship to add to my knowledge base

Also, I use the term "my Aspie" as a less TMI term, that has a common phenomenology here, than My lover/friend/centerof my world/he who unceasingly can make me smile with just a look/whom I will never marry because we've both been there done that...

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