I hate being a stepping stone

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waitykatie
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13 Jun 2012, 12:47 am

mds_02 wrote:
Most of the time, when love "just happens," it's because one partner (in hetero relationships, usually the man) worked very hard to create the circumstances in which it could happen.

*raises hand* Absolutely. Sometimes it's the girl, with sufficient motivation and encouragement.

Years ago, my AS guy chose me. The string of fateful coincidences required for that moment to occur quite boggle the mind. And it would have been gone if he'd waited 5 minutes longer. I've thought a lot about how enormous the odds were, against the two of us ever crossing paths. Like God moved the pieces around on the chessboard just so.

We misunderstood each other and allowed key opportunities slip by along the way. But there was something between us that I've always believed we would never find again. We haven't. And so I am embarrassed to admit how utterly I changed the course of my entire life to create those circumstances again. To bring the planets back into alignment. I don't think he fully appreciates it - not yet. But I think the day will come when he'll be glad I didn't give up.



Wolfheart
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13 Jun 2012, 1:29 am

You can either sit around, counting your losses and complaining about it or you can get out there, improve yourself, your situation and appearance and show her what she missed out on.



IlovemyAspie
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13 Jun 2012, 2:38 am

Wolfheart wrote:
You can either sit around, counting your losses and complaining about it or you can get out there, improve yourself, your situation and appearance and show her what she missed out on.


I agree with this in the nicest possible. Give yourself a week to wallow in your sorrow. Then get back out there. While you are sitting around sulking, you are wasting time that could be used finding someone else. Or keep someone from finding you! One week, that's it.



AScomposer13413
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13 Jun 2012, 8:34 am

Wolfheart wrote:
You can either sit around, counting your losses and complaining about it or you can get out there, improve yourself, your situation and appearance and show her what she missed out on.



+1! Also, what does QFT mean???



mv
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13 Jun 2012, 8:35 am

AScomposer13413 wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
You can either sit around, counting your losses and complaining about it or you can get out there, improve yourself, your situation and appearance and show her what she missed out on.



+1! Also, what does QFT mean???


Quoted for Truth. In other words, "I agree completely, and could not have said it better myself, thus I'm quoting the person who said it."



JanuaryMan
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13 Jun 2012, 8:36 am

It means quoted for truth :)



Brianruns10
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13 Jun 2012, 9:18 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
You can either sit around, counting your losses and complaining about it or you can get out there, improve yourself, your situation and appearance and show her what she missed out on.


I agree with this in the nicest possible. Give yourself a week to wallow in your sorrow. Then get back out there. While you are sitting around sulking, you are wasting time that could be used finding someone else. Or keep someone from finding you! One week, that's it.


Look, I HAVE been trying. I go out to try and meet people. I've subscribed to match.com and I'm on OKCupid. Hell just a few days ago I called a girl I met a week before (and got her card) and asked her out. But surprise surprise she's taken, and I probably looked like a f*****g idiot.

I don't know what I can do to improve without changing who I am. I've got my own place, a good job (if not a huge salary). I run 6 to 8 miles a day and do pushups and situps every night to keep and improve my physique. I'm putting myself out there as much as I can, and when I run, I say "Hi" to everyone I pass. I'm trying to be social and outgoing as much as it fills me with terrible anxiety to do so.

I don't expect the next girl to be THE ONE. I just want experience, to mature and grow, but I'm utterly stunted, because I can't get out of the batter's box, and I don't know why or what else I can do to improve. I mean, how do I improve without changing who I am, and essentially lying to the other person?



Wolfheart
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13 Jun 2012, 12:56 pm

You can't improve without change or compromise, sometimes you have to make compromises to grow.

I made a thread a while ago that may help you.
Good places for Asperger's men to meet women - http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt193178.html

Running is usually a brief experience and most people want to get on with their run, it would only involve small talk, there are also a few books on small talk and conversation which might benefit you.

Confident Conversation by Doctor Lillian Glass, It's quite a dated book but if you can get a copy of it, I'm sure it will be of more help than a few pick up artist articles.

You can read about her credentials here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lillian_Glass

As the quote goes "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got, and you'll always feel what you've always felt." so learn from this experience, move on and be persistent.



TM
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13 Jun 2012, 2:58 pm

"I want to be happy for her/him" is something people say when they want to look a certain way, when the truth is the whole idea is destructive to a human psyche. Feeling like its expected of you to be happy for someone else, when their happiness is either a correlation or the causality of your unhappiness is in my book a sign of you either being on drugs or mentally ill.

It's the same as "Let's stay friends" or "I still want us to be friends" its a stupid thing women and sometimes men do in order to hedge their love life at the expense of someone else.

You are making someone else happy at the cost of yourself, its a fundamental "nice guy" problem that does not work, because it makes you more bitter, more cynical, more hateful and in the end that makes you less attractive to people who are in fact attracted to you.

Another issue, is that its often played as if you say "well, I don't want you as a friend" or "No I'm not happy for you" you're the bad guy and you are being an immoral a**hole because self-sacrifice is placed on a pedestal, when the truth is that most of what appears to be self-sacrifice is in fact reciprocal altruism.

The funniest bit, is that its always the person who does the rejecting that ends up expecting other people to make the sacrifice. Which again shows that it's the person who prioritizes their own happiness that makes demands, not the person who sacrifices theirs.

Ask yourself, what is the cost-benefit calculation of this person in my life? Are they a net positive or net negative? If they are a net negative, why keep them in your life? Do some math and be honest about your intention. If you remain someone's friend, or act happy on their behalf, how much is that costing you?



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13 Jun 2012, 3:54 pm

OP you don't sound like a stepping stone.



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13 Jun 2012, 5:01 pm

TM wrote:
"I want to be happy for her/him" is something people say when they want to look a certain way, when the truth is the whole idea is destructive to a human psyche. Feeling like its expected of you to be happy for someone else, when their happiness is either a correlation or the causality of your unhappiness is in my book a sign of you either being on drugs or mentally ill.

It's the same as "Let's stay friends" or "I still want us to be friends" its a stupid thing women and sometimes men do in order to hedge their love life at the expense of someone else.

You are making someone else happy at the cost of yourself, its a fundamental "nice guy" problem that does not work, because it makes you more bitter, more cynical, more hateful and in the end that makes you less attractive to people who are in fact attracted to you.

Another issue, is that its often played as if you say "well, I don't want you as a friend" or "No I'm not happy for you" you're the bad guy and you are being an immoral a**hole because self-sacrifice is placed on a pedestal, when the truth is that most of what appears to be self-sacrifice is in fact reciprocal altruism.

The funniest bit, is that its always the person who does the rejecting that ends up expecting other people to make the sacrifice. Which again shows that it's the person who prioritizes their own happiness that makes demands, not the person who sacrifices theirs.

Ask yourself, what is the cost-benefit calculation of this person in my life? Are they a net positive or net negative? If they are a net negative, why keep them in your life? Do some math and be honest about your intention. If you remain someone's friend, or act happy on their behalf, how much is that costing you?


This.

Before you can be good to other people, you have to be good to yourself. If a first date from a dating site fails, don't accept "friendship" as some cheap consolation prize; you can make friends other places.



JanuaryMan
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13 Jun 2012, 5:27 pm

Agreeing with TM and Kurgan on this. If you are on a dating site, don't aim for friendship as your plan B. Stick to finding a date and whatever it is you want after the date.



thewhitrbbit
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13 Jun 2012, 5:44 pm

It happens. I've been the guy who helped two ex's get back together. Now that is a b***h.

One thought: Don't do lunch dates as a first date. You can do it when your in a relationship; but lunch date isn't leading with your best hand, especially if you work and have only a limited time for lunch.



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13 Jun 2012, 6:11 pm

Kurgan wrote:
Before you can be good to other people, you have to be good to yourself. If a first date from a dating site fails, don't accept "friendship" as some cheap consolation prize; you can make friends other places.


I agree with this. You shouldn't be friends with someone if you don't really want to be their friend. It's not good for anybody.


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13 Jun 2012, 6:34 pm

TM wrote:
"I want to be happy for her/him" is something people say when they want to look a certain way, when the truth is the whole idea is destructive to a human psyche. Feeling like its expected of you to be happy for someone else, when their happiness is either a correlation or the causality of your unhappiness is in my book a sign of you either being on drugs or mentally ill.

It's the same as "Let's stay friends" or "I still want us to be friends" its a stupid thing women and sometimes men do in order to hedge their love life at the expense of someone else.

You are making someone else happy at the cost of yourself, its a fundamental "nice guy" problem that does not work, because it makes you more bitter, more cynical, more hateful and in the end that makes you less attractive to people who are in fact attracted to you.

Another issue, is that its often played as if you say "well, I don't want you as a friend" or "No I'm not happy for you" you're the bad guy and you are being an immoral a**hole because self-sacrifice is placed on a pedestal, when the truth is that most of what appears to be self-sacrifice is in fact reciprocal altruism.

The funniest bit, is that its always the person who does the rejecting that ends up expecting other people to make the sacrifice. Which again shows that it's the person who prioritizes their own happiness that makes demands, not the person who sacrifices theirs.

Ask yourself, what is the cost-benefit calculation of this person in my life? Are they a net positive or net negative? If they are a net negative, why keep them in your life? Do some math and be honest about your intention. If you remain someone's friend, or act happy on their behalf, how much is that costing you?


There is a lot of truth in this. Well done TM.



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13 Jun 2012, 7:38 pm

waitykatie wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
Most of the time, when love "just happens," it's because one partner (in hetero relationships, usually the man) worked very hard to create the circumstances in which it could happen.

*raises hand* Absolutely. Sometimes it's the girl, with sufficient motivation and encouragement.


Yes, I didn't mean to imply that it can't go both ways. There definitely are women out there willing to be the pursuer. They are, as I said, awesome. They risk, not only being rejected, but also being thought poorly of in a way most men do not have to worry about. And they have another option, to sit back and wait for some man to come to them. For those reasons, a woman who pursues the exact man she wants has done something more extraordinary than a man who does the same.

Unfortunately, that also means there are very few of them. And that a man who just waits for one to come around is taking a big risk.


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