Female how to find dates

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And that is exactly why the majority here say waiting for a girl to make a move when a guy gives no signals doesn't work

Thank you it all sounds very helpful, especially the details you gave. But I'm afraid it will all look silly and unnatural. How do I know that I will not just look funny doing that?
Especially I do not want to ruin my reputation at work.


One guy has recently wrote me a letter about movies and theatres that he visited not long ago. Does it mean that he wants to give me a hint? And how should I reply then? Should I write that I haven't been to the movies or theatres recently?
It would be natural for me to reply that I haven't been to the movies recently because I don't like going to the movies. Then he will assume that I'm not interested in relationship, right?

I also have a problem with giving signs. I'm afraid of what will be next as I have never been in a relationship. I'm afraid that men will try to kiss me or to hug me when I'm not ready. I would prefer to just talk and meet for like several months or so. But I assume that men would be interested in kissing and maybe having sex rather soon.
I also think that maybe if I won't kiss back a man will assume that I don't like him and will not try to make any more steps. So I'm really afraid.

Thanks so much for your time and for your help.
I have found out about aspergers just recently, and I am very excited that I now know where to ask for help with communications.

Maybe that is my problem that I do not give any signs. Then men might be afraid to ask me out. Or maybe I say no, because I do not understand their ways to ask out.

Well, find some ways of flirtation that feel natural to you. The general idea is to hint that you may be interested in being more than friends, without saying it directly. Most NTs are better at using body language to convey that than us, but if you can learn some natural flirtatious body languages to use at will, then it won't get you in as much trouble at work. Again, internet would probably help you there, since there are so many ways of flirting out there.

Also, what I like to do is to invite a guy out outside of work. Do you drink? Going out for drinks is common. If not, you can find some other event that you are both interested in, and use your interests as an excuse to go. Then you are free to act however you want without fear of being thought of as unprofessional.



I'm not sure if he's hinting at something, it depends on the context.

But if you want to give him a hint, you can. He would probably be up for seeing a movie with you, since he seems to like movies. If you want to go to the theatre, tell him about a movie you'd like to see. If that's not your thing, say so, but tell him about something that you would be interested in (that could possibly lead to a date). It's okay not to be into doing something, but it's also good to follow it up with an alternative, so he has some options. If you don't it would come across as not being interested, since in his view, his advance would be rejected.



Hmm, is kissing and hugging a sensory issue about being touched? Some aspies have that problem. If he tries to kiss or hug you, and you are uncomfortable, then explain why. If it's been a few dates, and you trust him, then at that stage, it would probably be okay to tell him about your AS and how the touch makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you can take things slowly with touch, to progress to kisses and hugs.

You can also explain your views on sex, so he knows it's not a lack of interest. If your views on sex are that important to you, it's best to be with a man who is understanding about it. If he is not, he would not be the right man for you.

There are some non-verbal body signals men use to try to kiss or hug you. If you think you weren't receptive to a body signal, and he looks put off, you could always ask to confirm.



No worries, glad to help =)

I just found this guide to flirting that is really long, but answers pretty much all your questions on flirting.

SIRC Guide to Flirting

If you look on the right, there is also a pdf file for an advanced guide to flirting. Wow, so much information.

Thank you again. This is all very helpful.

I'm not sure if it's right to tell that I have AS, because I don't know if I have it. I just read several books and I see a lot of similar traits. I also know that I have many questions about some situations in my life, and I'm planning on asking some things on this forum.

About hugging and kissing I'm not sure if it's sensory, but I know that I only kissed several times and I certainly am afraid. I know that men will know that I don't know how to kiss, and I do not know how to "feel" kisses right. Everybody told me that I do not know how to kiss and that I'm strange. I do not feel pleasure in it also as I have to think of how to hold myself and how to behave and what signs of pleasure I must show, etc. I don't want to be told that I'm strange again.
I also do not know how to establish borders. For example, what do I do if a man wants to do something else except kissing?

It would be much more simple for me if I establish rules upfront that we do not kiss until we both know each other and want to be together. But I think that I will look crazy in this case (if I give such a speech to a man).
I also do not really want a man to hold my hand while we are in a cinema etc. For me it is something big that I would do much later and after he expresses his feelings verbally (for me only verbalized feelings and promises are true).

I know I'm weird. And I feel a bit panicked even after talking about such topics.
If I start to date I do not want to kiss all men I date and I do not want to have sex with all these men. I just want to find one man whom I will trust as a life partner, with whom it is comfortable to be with and after that to hold hands, kiss, have sex and etc. But not before that. But how do I tell that to someone? Especially a colleague at work and other people whom I want to think that I'm normal (I do not want to be thought as a sick person with issues). All I hear is that I'm strange and I'm really tired of it.


What signals men might use? What if he just kisses me?

I had such situations that I abstained from kisses (I declined an attempt to kiss me) and after that our friendship was ruined. No matter how I tried to stay friends and behave friendly and supportive.

I also am not sure how to express my views about sex. The only idea I have is to say that I want to take things slowly. What else I might tell?


I feel like I'm really abnormal after writing all this. I'm really afraid of people telling that I'm strange again.

If you feel that something is a problem because of some issue that you read about that has to do with AS, then you can say the issue instead of AS. This may help explain that you are not trying to be rude. Or, you could just apologize and say you don't want to hurt his feelings. Then he would probably understand.

Being a good kisser takes practice, so you can chalk it up to lack of experience. My boyfriend was a terrible kisser, but after a while of being with him, I decided to "teach" him how to kiss, and it seemed to work. If all else fails, you can ask him "how was that?" after a kiss, or ask him to kiss you the way he wants to be kissed, and then try to imitate it. But that you are open to feedback is important, so you can learn.

If a man wants to go further, you are able to say no without him breaking up with you. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, then he is not the kind of guy you would want to be with in the long term anyways. You can always talk through any issues which come up. Communication is the most important thing.

If you need verbal feedback for physical contact to occur, you could ask him to express his feelings, ie "Do you like me?" "How do you feel about us being together?" But understand that NTs do need physical contact as much as we need verbal feedback. Physical contact is just another way of saying "I really like you and feel both mentally and physically close." It would be hard for an NT to understand that you can like him without wanting to touch him. So if you're really that uncomfortable with touch, I'd say explaining AS would be the only thing that could explain it to an NT without feelings being hurt.

As for waiting till marriage to have sex, that is a common belief and can easily be explained without people thinking you're weird. Just say that you are attracted to him, but you want to wait until marriage. Then ask if he's willing to accept that.

Workplace romances can be tricky, because you don't want to interfere with your work life. I'd say tread with caution and take things slow. But if you want to have a life with this person, you will have to do some explaining sometime down the road. You don't have to tell anyone who you aren't dating, it is none of their business.

If you see him leaning in closely, or positioning his body close to yours, he probably likes you and wants to touch you. If he stares at you, brushes against you, etc... If he kisses you, try not to act too surprised if you did want it. Try to act like you wanted the kiss, so he doesn't feel rejected. If that's still uncomfortable, then you could probably explain yourself beforehand or afterward, so his feelings aren't hurt. If you'd rather not kiss, it would probably be best to talk about it, since it would be hard for him to understand that you still like him.


When guys make a move on you, and you don't respond, they take that as you don't like them. Usually, for guys, once the boundary from friendship to intimacy has been crossed, it can only go two ways: relationship, or nothing. He was probably crushing on you the whole time you were friends, and since his feelings weren't reciprocated, he would probably find being in a friendship unbearable. It can be rough for someone to have unrequited love.

If you did like him, then he would probably still be open to a relationship, if you explain your feelings to him. But you'd have to make the move to show him that you like him, since he made a move already and felt rejected.

[edit] Or... you could just date an aspie. I haven't dated an aspie guy, but maybe they would understand better, or maybe they would have the same issues with relationships as you. In that case, meeting local aspies may help.

Some NTs are more understanding of differences than others, though even then, they may still need lots of explaining to wrap their heads around it. So NT-AS relationships usually require a lot of communication to avoid issues. I've even heard of problems due to AS in these relationships being an issue of translation, as if each has their own language, though none is right or wrong. So explaining yourself will go a long way.

Last edited by deltafunction on 13 Jun 2012, 2:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Works the same way for guys I'm afraid.

Last edited by rabbittss on 13 Jun 2012, 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you! You're so smart, I'm almost admiring you. It is all so clear right now. I guess I will have to return to this topic again to read these things over and over.

Aww, thanks! I'm sure you'll be fine. Hope you get a date with the guy from work =)

If you ever need help, feel free to PM me.

Also, welcome to WP!

All I can suggest is what attracts me... if someone gives me a warm, welcoming smile along with friendly, non-negative conversation I'd be wanting to ask that person out!

Big turn-off? The perma-scowl! Those people who never smile, whose neutral expression is a default frown. Sour, negative, grouchy, miserable people don't attract dates.

Good luck out there!

Try online dating. While it may be a nuclear mine field for men, some women I know have described it as a buffet.

Going out on some practice dates would prob help you.

Yes; when a guy goes all in and gets turned down, there has to be a detox period. It is possible for the friendship to recover; but he's going to need some time.