Approaching a girl - the female perspective

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1401b:
The problem is, intelligent people aren't very confident. Their intelligence tells them just in how many ways a s**t may hit the fan. To be confident you need to be either in your expert area, to be a good actor, or to be just a little averagely dumb, to not think too much about things and just do them.

Like many Aspies, I have processing power of IQ above average (nothing spectacular though), and social intelligence about 50 Sheldons.
My greatest fear is, that I will be boring because there are huge mainstream social areas on which I have nothing to say. Also, many activities that I do alone or with a help of computer. This kind of life is diffcult to share. Which means, to start dating needs to invent a different life style, to discover activities that two people can enjoy together. Sport is a choice, to fight our couch potato tendencies together is better than separately. But other than that, I haven't much idea what activities a couple can do together. I know what you're thinking of, but let's assume it's too early for that in the relationship

Right, my secret is that I'm actually an idiot

Exactly! There are times I wish I could slice my brain in half and just enjoy life without overthinking potential consequences beforehand, or regret decisions and second-guess afterwards!

Life is easier and more fun when I remind myself, "I'm overthinking this - make a decision and accept what comes without regret."

alcohol
it's not for everybody but it works for me

alcohol is great if you dont plan on doing anything. Alcohol doesnt do anything more than remove your filter. Be it of words or actions. Nobody becomes someone different when drunk, they just show their real dumb selves. For me alcohol has zero effect in most circumstances (i get nauseous after enough drinks) and it doesnt impair my thoughts or actions because i dont hide my true self like normal people do. Or maybe my liver which has fought off tumors is stronger than an average liver.

Anyhow, what i was getting at was that alcohol isnt going to make you a confident smooth talker. It also wont make you brave enough to approach people. At most itll just make you look like a normal drunk

This id a very interesting topic I eant to say A LOT about

I am drunk and not able to inteligently asnwer.

Any further posts will notify my email, so I'll be able to actually say what I want to say.

See you guys then.

anybody got turned on by that? Anybody? Bueller?


My point exactly

Yes, alcohol works wonderfully, a bottle of wine or several tots of something harder, mixed with fruit juice. Not beer, too much pissing to bother. I don't like the taste of alcohol, I hate the price of it and also the hangovers are pretty bad, so I drink only on greater social ocassions, a couple times per year. I never drink to pass out, I want to remember the altered state of consciousness and enjoy every minute of it. I take it as a downright therapeutic medicine.
The more I drink, the more I feel as a puppet with still longer strings. My attention is drawn to this physical experience, away from the world of thought. Which is an interesting experience in itself.

I can say honestly, my strongly drunken self is my better self. It's the only time I feel I truly understand and enjoy other people's company, act with confidence and speak my deepest feelings. Which is duly appreciated by my friends, some are surprised to see me like that. Subconsciously, I want to be free of the brain's tyranny, to be free from self-control and express whatever emotion I have inside, which is mostly a high-quality emotion, must say. So far, alcohol is the only thing that does this magic. Of course I'm terribly ashamed in the morning, but I had read that is a side effect of the hangover

Excellent observation! I've known this for a long time but could never express it so clearly. People constantly tell me I need to be more confident but as someone in the higher range of intelligence I can't help but over analyze everything. It's not like a light switch I can shut off. Like you said, the only time I am confident is when I am 100% sure of something, which doesn't happen too often. I'm also cursed with the Aspie trait of having a near photographic long term memory. I can't get failure off my mind no matter how hard I try especially since I'



I'm actually getting into the drinking habit at 29 even though I can't stand the taste of alcohol. I'm surprised how I can act "normal" when drunk and I actually can have better co-ordination when I have a beer before sports since I'm not over thinking everything I do. I actually become a social butterfly and can pass as an NT but it doesn't last

See? You're already at the edge of the answer. =)

I am NOT wrong. =D

All the world is a stage... and I've got stage fright. =/

Can't help you much there. I'm a friendly person, so I find it hard to let a guy know I'm not interested, non-verbally. Guys I'm not keen on seem to think I am, and guys I am keen on are wondering why I'm not showing it...why I even try to help with love and dating advice I do not know, hahaha! But seriously, it's still in the eyes. If a guy is really paying attention he will be able to tell if I am looking at him with "the look" or not. If I'm smiling but not really looking at him all that much, I'm probably not interested. Other women can comment on whether this is true for them.


It sounds a bit arrogant to say "I won't apologize for being a man". It also kinda sounds like you are saying you just have sex on the brain. I'm trying to think of a time a guy has made a move on me too early...the only ones I can come up with are when it's not "too early", it's just not what I want, i.e. I have decided I'm not interested (but I'm still hanging out with the guy because we are at a movie or something). Hmm...I think an apology is fine. What to do after you apologise I'm lost with though. Awkward.


She could have been interested in you, or she could be like that with everyone. A kiss on the cheek is not all that unusual, some people are just extra "touchy-feely". Do you want to know if a woman who was in a relationship was interested in you? Or would you rather try to figure out the language of single women? Personally I wouldn't bother trying to figure this one out.

None of this sounds very helpful. I might revisit this when it's not 1am.

I read the original post, and immediately related to every question and lack of understanding. I feel it may be easier, as I am female, but the same issues arise; I find it very difficult to put myself in social situations around people I don't know, I don't understand the "romance" portion of the whole deal, except to know that I have to deal with it, even if poorly, I am constantly saying and doing things that are counter-productive to making new friends, and my need for understanding (both to give and to receive) makes things difficult sometimes.

That said, I have been in a relationship for almost a year. We worked together (have not for about 2 years), and neither of us is particularly inclined to be social (he is NT). Initially I rejected a few spontaneous invitations for activity, as the idea made me uncomfortable, and I'd just extracted myself from a particularly bad, abusive relationship. However, he is amazingly patient, very neutral-tempered, and despite my constant apologizing for my behavior, he says the quirks don't bother him in the least, and he'll let me know if that changes (and has). His demeanor has evened me out substantially, and allowed both of us to figure each other out without friction.

I think my whole point here is that it isn't always necessary to figure out every little aspect of how things are "supposed" to work; I certainly don't understand, and I'm constantly baffled by the choices other people make regarding relationships, but I'm not the only one. Perhaps it would be beneficial to check out "nerdy" events relating to your interests; it would open up conversation, and women who are interested in such things tend to be much more socially lenient (although admittedly you do have to be careful, as a fair number of those women are, in my opinion, completely insane)

For now we have to use alcohol, but maybe the doctors will soon allow us to get a an oxytocin nose spray to get us back to what made our monkey ancestors social animals Of course, until then there is the black market. Reputedly, people like managers or salesmen use oxytocin too, either to better attune to their victims or maybe they spray it into the air to make them more malleable. Maybe I should ask my friend who studies Pharmacology, if he can get his hands on some of this magic monkey juice.

Congratulations! If I may ask, do you do any activities or interests together outside? I mean, it's fine to stay home and talk or whatever, but I'd appreciate some tips for outside activities. Inspiration, if you want. I don't intend to follow everything literally.

Yes, I knew one insane girl over the net She had a great heart, extremely emotional much to her harm. My lack of emotion bugged her a lot, but I could not give her an explanation at the time.
Anyway, I intend to move to Prague, which is the first time I'll ever be anywhere near a decent center of population and culture. There must be opportunities.

Thanks, that's clear enough.

I'd rather figure out the language of single women. Looks like I won't be able to meet this one again. Yes, she might have been a touchy/feely person, but that would be the first one I've met. I'd love to find out one day how to get a woman to behave like that again Looks like I'll have to read through David DeAngelo's materials thoroughly.

I have to credit David DeAngelo for the knowledge. He's a great advisor on relationships. I admit I neglect his newsletter a lot, mostly because right now I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, preparing for exams.

Certainly, being that he is much more active then I am, he convinces me to get out, and go hiking/camping in state parks. I love nature, and I find it fascinating how everything interacts, so it's like being in a live documentary, and we can have discussions about animals and trees and such because he watches educational stuff with me. I also introduced him to disc golfing, which is easy enough, only requires you and one companion, and discs are pretty cheap (you can find them most places for under $10 new if you don't care exactly what it does, or craigslist to get used) but there's also the beach, and if you look, I'd bet you can find a website that has free events in your area (we have one here, it has all the local free/cheap events in about a 10 mile radius) He also races (IMCA Modified builder/driver) which really isn't my thing (and he knows and respects that), but I tag along for support, which gets me out and socializing, albeit poorly, with people he knows, who won't immediately dismiss me because I'm quirky, which then opens up more possibilities for interaction.

Winter was harder (we have them there changin' seasons and whatnot) although this winter was more like an extended autumn, so outside activities weren't entirely negated, but there was bowling, local and semi-pro hockey (I love hockey) museums and planetariums, aquariums and other local (not terribly pricey) attractions. We even went sledding which I haven't done since I was a kid O.o

With NT Girls, they want a man with Confidence! Not money or alcohol or to some extent appearance.
Not all girls want a guy with muscles and a millionaire.

Okay, I think some things might be being overthought a little. I agree, a lot of unconfident people are intelligent, but so are lots of confident people. Unconfident and intelligent people are probably just a little too introspective and meticulous, examine themselves a bit TOO thoroughly for their own good or if meticulous, get anxious if something doesn't go as planned.

Also about the whole guy waiting to call back thing.. here's my opinion-- If the date went well, to the point that when you walk her home she has a hard time leaving, or stop talking-- if she seems excited, if she asks when the next time she can see you again is.. if she kisses you then you can call back whenever.

Now if you don't know if the date went well, tripped on your own shoelaces too many times etc, then maybe wait a day to call back to kinda kick the embarrassing stuff out of your own mind so when you take her out--your focused on being with her and nothing else. She'll only be excited if you keep her waiting because she had hoped you'd call back sooner in the first place.

Mentioning aspergers syndrome isn't a cowards way out-- AS doesn't mean you don't have a personality, or can't be charming or funny or anything else. It just means you have a very hard time getting those traits out as you don't know how to handle or understand a lot of social cues. You're not saying "I have Aspergers, expect nothing interesting and funny and do all the work for me please".

Girls are very analytical in a sense, good hygiene is nice.. but the head to toe thing? Nah. I've seen girls witth some ugly, bummed out looking guys. A guy who can make a girl laugh is in a good place in their relationship (friendship or otherwise), if you can do that, she'll be comfortable around you. Being attractive physically can work in your favor, being very confident can also (enough to at least ask her out). Then.. just being "nice" in itself is a positive too. None of these are required individually, all will help, the most important part is chemistry. If you guys have a style.. or subject matter which you relate to each other on or personality that connects well, the rest become less important.


A guy can say I love you if he wants but if you're unsure if its the right time to say it (Many with AS are).. maybe break it down slowly by telling her in a general explanation how you feel about her, then throw the word love out there and don't just blurt it out. The reason why the love word is scary for men and women alike.. (again in my opinion) is because its being thrown out there without giving thought as to what it means. That said, there's nothing wrong with a guy saying it first.

There isn't anything wrong with mentioning AS, but i'd first attempt to set up the date without it. If she likes you.. she likes you, AS or not.

Also as far as touching.. keep in mind the girls sometimes try and get you to touch them too.